Marriage or Real Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
Marriage or Real Love
4
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 1:50am
I have a dilemma and no where else to go! My friend Jenny and I have been best friends for 15 years. In 2002 we both developed feelings for eachother that were not there earlier. My advancements were however rejected by Jenny and she wanted to remain friends as she was recovering from Annorexia and couldn't cope with a relationship at the time. I got fairly depressed after this. I loved her dearly but hated my life living in sweden after spending several years in Australia. I decided that the answer was to move back to aus as that was the last time i remember being happy. After a year I met my now wife who I love dearly as well. On a recent trip back to Sweden I met Jenny again who looked great. We had as much fun as always. She always makes me smile and we have the best of times together. Unfortunately I nor Jenny could control ourselves and after a few drinks one thing lead to another. Now Im back in Aus and unhappy. I speak to Jenny almost every day and I know she wants us to be together even though she doesn't ask me to leave my wife. I just want to go home to be with her like it was supposed to be but now I have a wife who is fantastic, a company, new house and dogs. Can I leave it all for the sake of the woman I love most in the world or do I stick with my current obligations? What will my family say (although they would be thrilled I moved home again)? How do I divorce my wife after just 3 years when she is such a lovely person and cares for me to bits? I'm bordering on depressed again and I don't know what to do. Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 5:13am

Messed up, you've got to look at the facts.

First up, while you may consider Jenny as your best friend, you've hardly spent any real time with her. Therefore you don't REALLY know her. You can't truly know someone unless you spend a LOT of time with them. I'm talking about a couple of years in real time. I understand that it feels like you do love her, but this is infatuation - not love. Problem is, infatuation can feel stronger than love....can't it.

Second, you hated being in Sweden. Even if you left your wife, would you really be happy back in Sweden? Or are you planning to uproot Jenny and bring her here.

Third, Jenny hasn't asked you to leave your wife. She may simply be enjoying the fantasy of you and her being together. She may have absolutely no intention of having anything serious come of this.

From here you need to cut off contact with Jenny. It will hurt for a while, but it's the right thing to do. You say yourself that your wife is a wonderful woman....don't blow this.

Lastly, can I say that when I was suffering from depression I made some very poor decisions for my life and my marriage. Depression tends to give one a skewed vision of the facts and also makes one very self focused. You may want to consider speaking to a doctor about how you feel.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 6:21am

When you married your wife you promised to love her through thick and thin. I think you owe her the respect of putting all of your efforts into your relationship with her.

Talk out the feelings for Jenny with a therapist. I agree that you seem to be in love with a fantasy that you didn't get to know very well; chances are if you left everything you have now to go back to her you would sorely regret it.

Make the most of the life you are in now; not everyone gets to find a wife he truly loves who is a wonderful companion.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 10:12am

You have made a marriage committment and it sounds as though you care a great deal for your wife. Together you have built a good life. Sometimes we think someone else will make us happier or is basically more exciting and better. However, you have never been in an on-going "romantic" relationship with Jenny. She didn't want it. She wants it now when you are unavailable. Some people only want a person when they can't have them. You have no idea how Jen will be when you are actually available - Jen is simply a fantasy for you now, and that's why she's so exciting. You say you were "supposed" to be together. Not so. If you were, you would have been.


Before you do anything at all, I strongly suggest you seek good therapy and work all of this out carefully. Make sure you are not chasing a fantasy that will fall apart once you have it. And also be clear about how you will feel leaving your wife...? Will those feelings affect your new relationship? This is not as simple as it may seem. Find out what is missing in your marriage and see if you can remedy it. Before you run away from a relationship, it's important to really understand what's going on, what' missing in it, and what your true needs are. Otherwise, it's easy to repeat this pattern once again.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 10:24am

The posts in #2,3,& 4 were very good. I'd like to reinforce that it's a terrible idea to make major life decisions while under the influence of depression. Depression will exaggerate your emotions beyond what is reasonable for the situation. Please seek some real medical treatment and/or counseling for this immediately.

I also agree that you made an unconditional commitment to your wife when you married her. I also agree with an earlier poster that you NEVER had a mutual on-going romantic relationship with Jenny. You apparently have some chemistry with her, but there is no guarantee that things would work out with her. Her fairly recent anorexia hints that she would be more likely than most to still have some instabilities that she needs to work through as well.

You apparently had some chemistry with your wife. Don't let an external situation poison your marriage.