Marriage Problem? Is this normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Marriage Problem? Is this normal?
7
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 10:20am

My dh and I have been married for a year. We been together for 5 years. We have had a bumpy past before getting married. I am actually surprised we worked through it. Everything seemed great, but lately I find myself focusing on everything he does and wanting more from him. I started numerous arguments over the past month and he says everything is always his fault. Last night I told him that he treated me bad while at my parents house over the weekend and acted like he didn't want to be around me. I told him he doesn't care about my feelings and doesn't even react when I cry. He says it's because everytime I cry it's about him. We both agreed that maybe he just can't give me the attention and emotion I am wanting. I feel so selfish thinking that it is true. Plus we have no common interests except going out and drinking with friends, and lately I haven't been wanting to do that either. He says I focus on everything he does, and I always start stupid arguments.


All I know is that we love each so much, but I scared we are heading for something worse.


One thing though is that we just moved to another city for school. We are alone here, but each of us has new friends now from school. He hangs out and bonds more with his friends and has more hobbies than me. I feel like my hobbies are just studying and him..


Could this be the problem? Why do I always feel like I want more from him? I want him to be upset if I am, or want him to hug me as much as I hug him.. Maybe I am wanting him to be like me??

Daisypath Next Aniversary Ticker


2010



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 10:35am
It sounds as though the problem is that you expected things to change (i.e. get better, more intense) after getting married but the reality was that it didn't change your relationship at all. Sound accurate?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 10:54am

Hi marriedlove,

I noticed in your post that a few times you mentioned you don't have hobbies and that the two of you spend your time out drinking together. When you say you moved for school does that mean you are both in college? When two people get married they still have their separate lives. I'm wondering if there are other areas of your life that you are not satisfied with. Do you have meaningful work? When do you feel you are at your best during the day? What part of your life can you bring more fulfillment into? Sometimes when we are feeling unfulfilled we may look to our mate to make us feel fulfilled. That of course is impossible. Our mates can offer love, support and ideas but we still need to create meaning in our own lives since we are each unique individuals. You mentioned your husband has made friends and has hobbies and interests. I'm wondering how you can bring more meaning and fulfillment into your life. Have you made some friends? Do you ever make plans with your friends? Maybe you and your husband can plan a special date together each week other than drinking. Go to a movie, a museum, have a picnic. Maybe you can double date with another couple. Invite one of your new friends over dinner. Just a few ideas!

All the best,
Donna
http://www.BreakThroughLifeCoaching.net

Donna Deming, Life Coach http://www.BreakThroughLifeCoaching.net http://www.BreakThroughLifeCoaching.net/blog/
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 11:22am

Welcome to the board marriedlove,


It sounds like you need to spend more time together as a couple. Could you hang out with him and his new friends? It also sounds like you might be lacking in the communication dept.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 1:59pm

I see on your post that you will be trying for a baby soon. I think you need to not think about that until you work things out.


You both sound so young. I think that maybe finding something to do that you both have in common might be find and help you focus on something else. A hobby, volunteer work, church, classes, whatever.


Also what about counseling to learn how to communicate with each other and withhold the blame?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 4:17pm

Welcome to the board marriedlove,


Only 4 weeks until your first anniversary..... :0) and the WTT for a baby in 2010 - you have long-term goals. I'd highly recommend you develop some interests/hobbies separately - meaning you need some on your own with new friends - and together - like a date night - non-drinking date night - movies, bowling, museum, miniture golf, dancing, etc. something that you both can agree on.


Here's some reading material that may also help:


Loving Men More, Needing Men Less, Judith Sills


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw


Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman


How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together by Sue Ellen Page


Love in the Present Tense: How to Have a High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage, Morrie & Arleah


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 5:15pm

Thank you all for your advice. It really helps hearing from other people besides myself. We are going to talk about it. I honestly think the problem is me. I want him to act differently and show more emotion, but I shouldn't want to change him I guess. We are somewhat opposites, I worry, he doesn't, I'm emotional, he's not, I'm the financial/bill payer, he would never remember to pay a bill, I'm a vegetarian, he's not, I hate sports & video games, he loves it, see where this is going. haha

However, we do love each very much and never want to get divorced, so I need to work on not focusing on what he does so much and not wanting him to change. I am making him unhappy, because of this.

Oh and to answer some questions - I'm 26, he is 28. We both are going to school and made new friends.

I'm also going to think of new ideas to do together. Right now we don't do much except watch TV together sometimes.

Thanks again,

Daisypath Next Aniversary Ticker


2010



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 5:23pm

Opposites often stay together because they fulfill needs that are difficult for you to give yourself on your own. Sometimes marrying an opposite is very therapeutic because he is able to mirror kind of a "lost self", aspects of your personality that were buried during childhood. Maybe his carefree attitude (if that's accurate) is something you admire in him because you may be a little more structured yourself. There are lots of reasons.

I would recommend the book Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix if you want to explore further why you complement one another. It's a fascinating read.