Marriage in ruins

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Marriage in ruins
11
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 1:58pm
I dont even know if anyone can help me and my story is so long. Over three years ago I met my husband. Actually I should say he found me. I was sitting at my desk and I got an instant message ( and as I look back now I dont really know why I answered it) from someone I didnt know. He was in New Hampshire and I was in Indiana. Needless to say without getting into the whole story 7 months later he ended up in Indiana with me and we lived there together for two years. I spent the entire 7 months before I actually met him being scared of what I was feeling and not knowing if I could trust him because I knew he had issues like drug use in his past and poor relationship record. I fell so deeply in love with him and he told me that his past was his past and that he wanted a bright new future with me and that he wanted to be like me and be a part of my life and never touch drugs again or be involved in anything from his past. He knew and I told him up front that drugs were not a part of my life and I would not let them be a part of my life. The first two years were perfect....not without spats and little disagreements but what relationship is.....He was so loving and supportive and everything every girl dreams of. He proposed after we had been together for a year and we planned the wedding for the next year. In May of 2003 we moved to New Hampshire and on October 4th we were married and it was the single most happy day of my life. I did not know that happiness like that existed. I adore this man....I love this man more than anything else and usually more than myself. He seemed so happy too and everyone told me that he looked happy and that they had never seen a groom glow so much and look at their new wife so adoringly. Six weeks after our wedding day he came to me and said that hes not happy being married that he wasnt ready to be married and that he felt forced to get engaged and that he had already gone back to the drugs shortly after me moved to New Hampshire and got back into his old circle of friends who are no good for him and I have a bad feeling that they have feed him full of thoughts and turned him against me. From Thanksgiving to Christmas I tried so hard to get him to confide in me and talk to me about what was bothering him and work on the problems that it was causing us. He wouldnt talk or if he did he would just get upset with what I said and yell and swear at me and say the nastiest ugliest things to me that he could think of, which was totally not like him. He stopped sleeping in bed about a month ago and I have basically been on my own since then. Most days there was a complete lack of communication and nothing was said at all his attitude toward his son my step son was even different. I bought him so many christmas gifts.....actually I bought everyones christmas gifts with my 3 jobs. He took our rent money and bought me a digital camera on christmas eve...causing me more stress. I begged him to stop the drugs and to come back to bed and he would tell me to go lay down somewhere or stop hovering over him he wouldnt even let me touch him or hug him it seemed like an annoyance to him. Christmas came and went and it just kept getting worse and I told him that we needed to work on this or it couldnt work the next day this was 3 days ago he left and moved in with one of his drug buddies who just so happened to break up with his girlfriend as well. Then I got the phone bill $600.00 worth of calls to some girl in California who he says doesnt mean anything to him except someone to talk to. All those nights I tried to talk to him he would wait till I went to sleep and call this girl he met on the internet just like me. I do nothing but cry uncontrollably and sob and shake and get sick and then it starts all over again and I cry some more. The pain is unbearable. Last night I felt like ending it all. Im scared to be alone Im scared that Im getting suicidal. I begged in on the phone last night to make it all go away and just come back home and say he loves me again and he acted like he didnt care and that he didnt know when the next time I would see him again is. Please help me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 2:44pm
I am so sorry that you are going thru this. Your story touched me because I went through a similar thing with my husband and drugs. During the time he was using I had no clue that he was and he hid it so well from me. He acted almost the same by saying horrible things to me and would not talk to me and he would hate when I accused him of things or yelled at him. A few times when I woke up in the middle of the night he was gone and came back later that morning. He is drug free now and has been for almost 5 years now. All I can say is unless he wants to stop and get professional help for his problem, he will never stop. My husband tried to stop on his own once and told me he would never do it again, but 6 months later he started up again. He then realized what he was doing and joined an outpatient clinic on his own and got help. I think unfortunately the best thing for you to do is leave him alone and hopefully he will seek help from you down the line. Right now, the more you try and talk to him and get him to stop, the more he is going to use drugs. I wish there was something to say to you to take away all this pain. If you still want to be married to him and love him, just be there for him when he asks for your help and the both of you can get through this with the help of a treatment center. If you don't feel that you can put up with him or don't want to wait, then I suggest you leave him. Do you still have family in Indiana that you can go back to? Maybe that is another option for you. I do know to that he absolutely has to leave that bad circle of friends for him to stop using. Is there anyway for you two to live elsewhere so he is not tempted by his past? I wish you the best of luck and please try and stay strong and find someone that you can talk to. If you are alone in new hampshire, go back home for the support that you need at this hard time. Please take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 3:09pm
Girl I feel your pain.

I think me and my husband may no longer be together, though ours is a different story...

Please don't do anything drastic over this, be strong.

Please email me or IM me anytime.

We'll talk and help eachother through this.

My email and IM names are:

niki18769@aol.com

niki_qt@hotmail.com

niki0187@yahoo.com

Again, those are email addy's as well as IM so feel free to chat.

Niki
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 3:31pm
I think you should seek counseling immediately. My guess is that you thought your love could save him, that you knew deep down the whole time that he was not free of his drug addiction and you need to get to a place where you know what you are worth because it is so clear to me that you allowed all this to happen because of low self esteem - I am so sorry this has happened and please get help immediately.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 2:30pm

oh gosh hugs hugs hugs!!! i am so sorry for this pain..... honey, you sound like such a nice person, you deserve to be with a good guy. its hard but he is an addict, that is his choice, there is not much you can do about it. you loved him and believed in him - but he is who he is. i don't see what choices you have - living with an addict means living with his lies, stealing money, doing what ever he wants whenever he wants. living with the fear of him giving you an STD and getting other women pregnant. I hope this is not what you want for yourself!


please - get yourself to an al-anon meeting. and if you are really feeling down - call a hotline and get some help. please..... hugs and good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 2:43pm
Oh my gosh, I feel so awful for you after reading your story. And unfortunately, I think all you can really do now is take the time to do what many of us women have had to do time and again in our lives, go through the painful grieving process and live day to day, minute to minute, until we can feel better again. Having said that, I do know, and I hope you do too, that you WILL feel better again; it may be a long time but you'll get there. I hope you have a supportive network of family/friends to help you through this; I have a sister who has talked me through many a tearful moment, more than I can count. You need someone to help you put this whole thing, and your life in perspective for you but you should also realize that you are too good and too important to waste your time with someone like this. Any guy who would swear and yell at you, nevermind the other things he has done, cannot be the right one to spend your life with. In your situation, I would have no contact with the guy, and seek solace and guidance through friends or family or counselling. Good luck and remember no man is worth ending your life for!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 9:59am
You obviously have no clue what I am going through and you do not know me at all. I have never suffered from low self esteem and he was not drug addicted for the three years weve been together until recently. What has made him go back to the immaturity of his youth I do not know and he has admitted that it has nothing to do with me. I am aware that I cannot save him if he wishes to not be saved. My suggestion to you is that if you cannot offer real help and support to someone dont reply. What people in my situation and in others need is support not someone telling them whats wrong with them especially whens its way off key.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 3:16am
Hon, I hate to tell you this but part of your problem is self-esteem issues. If it wasn't then this wouldn't have jumped out in your original post:

Im scared to be alone Im scared that Im getting suicidal.

There are also codependency issues too.

1) :::and not knowing if I could trust him because I knew he had issues like drug use in his past and poor relationship record.

These were RED FLAGS you chose to over look.

2) ::He knew and I told him up front that drugs were not a part of my life and I would not let them be a part of my life.

Yet, you are still holding on to hope of him changing and/or giving up drugs for you.

3) ::I love this man more than anything else and usually more than myself.

This is another self-esteem issue.

4)::Six weeks after our wedding day he came to me and said that hes not happy being married that he wasnt ready to be married and that he felt forced to get engaged and that he had already gone back to the drugs shortly after me moved to New Hampshire and got back into his old circle of friends who are no good for him and I have a bad feeling that they have feed him full of thoughts and turned him against me.

He is reponsible for his choices, including his choice to start drugs again, hang out with said friends again. Drugs is his way of coping. While his friends may have influenced him, they didn't hold a gun to his head, you can't blame them for his choices.

5):: He wouldnt talk or if he did he would just get upset with what I said and yell and swear at me and say the nastiest ugliest things to me that he could think of, which was totally not like him.

From experience you can't talk to someone under the influence, nor can you talk to a drug, or someone with drugs in their system. It changes everything, behavior, perception, wants, needs, desires.

6):: I bought him so many christmas gifts.....actually I bought everyones christmas gifts with my 3 jobs. He took our rent money and bought me a digital camera on christmas eve...causing me more stress.

Different priorities, probably due to the drugs yes, but yet, you are over-giving, over doing to compensate (that's codependent behavior)

7)::I begged him to stop the drugs and to come back to bed and he would tell me to go lay down somewhere or stop hovering over him he wouldnt even let me touch him or hug him it seemed like an annoyance to him.

Again, drugs play a role in his behavior. His description of *hovering* is not a good sign.

8)::Christmas came and went and it just kept getting worse and I told him that we needed to work on this or it couldnt work the next day this was 3 days ago he left and moved in with one of his drug buddies who just so happened to break up with his girlfriend as well.

The drug and his buddies have a stronger hold on him. It's not you. I know you are hurting, but since the two of you aren't on the same page of trying to work it out, get clean, put things back together, etc. there will be no resolution and no help from him.

9)::Then I got the phone bill $600.00 worth of calls to some girl in California who he says doesnt mean anything to him except someone to talk to. All those nights I tried to talk to him he would wait till I went to sleep and call this girl he met on the internet just like me.

Patterns repeat themselves. This sounds to me that he's emotionally unavailable, seeks people through the internet, phone, etc, as they are not real to him. And again his choice to cope with life is drugs.

10)::I do nothing but cry uncontrollably and sob and shake and get sick and then it starts all over again and I cry some more. The pain is unbearable. Last night I felt like ending it all. Im scared to be alone Im scared that Im getting suicidal.

Grief is a powerful thing. I feel for you. Accepting the situation, letting go is very hard to do, but for self-preservation I would strong suggest you try....try through counseling, work on sorting out your emotions, figuring out your options, help yourself, learn that you deserve better treatment than this. Learn that you are NOT less than because of his choices, actions, behavior or drug use.

11)::I begged in on the phone last night to make it all go away and just come back home and say he loves me again and he acted like he didnt care and that he didnt know when the next time I would see him again is.

He can't be your source of happiness. Happiness comes from within. I wish you well, better days and a quick recovery. May you find the strenght to let go, let God, get help and treat yourself well, love yourself more than you love him.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 8:05pm
I know that you hope someone has an answer to fix all of this. Sometimes it's better to admit things can't be "fixed".

Run, don't walk, to a lawyer and get a divorce/annulment. Move back to Indiana. You will be amazed at how much your family and friends will love and support you. They will not judge you. Lesson learned the hard way. (you'll have to decide what the lesson is) Don't try to fix this guy. You can't. But you must protect yourself, your heart, your health and your finances. Be strong.

Take good care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 5:00pm
I turned to this message board because a friend refered me here. You are the second person that has said I have self esteem issues. I have NEVER had self esteem issues nor have I ever felt this way before or been upset in this way over a past relationship. I wonder if you have ever truly loved a person completely to have them completely destroy your happiness. No my happiness is not forever dependent on him. Im not stupid Im college educated. Something like this is devastating and if you cant see that I dont know what to tell you. I have since got a grip on myself.....I only needed a few days to collect my thoughts and gather up solutions and get past the initial grief. Dont pass judgement on me. I was looking for support not a schrink. If I need one Ill pay for a professional. Like I told the last person who said I have low self esteem.....dont give advice to someone or reply to a message if you can only accuse and attack the victom and offer no real help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 5:16pm
I'm sorry if I've offended you. When writing replies it is hard to determine tone and meaning sometimes.

I only point out what I see in what's written, hence my list. Of course you may disagree and that's ok. I wasn't accusing or attacking, merely pointing out what I saw in your post in an effort to help you see things you might not have looked at or thought of. It's hard to look at one's self and be totally self-aware.

Happiness does NOT come from another person, place or thing. It comes from within you.

Again, sorry for your pain.


Carrie

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