Is this marriage too damaged?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Is this marriage too damaged?
1
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 12:46pm
My husband and I have been married for three years, together for a total of five. We are both in our twenties. We met in a sex chat room and 6 months later he moved in with me. He told me that I 'saved' him, because all he had was an 'online existance'. (He told me that he chatted for 6+ hours a day for 8 months before we met - he was actually the first person I had ever chatted with online.) Obviously, I knew that he was into porn when we met and I had no problems with it. When he moved in with me we still did it, I thought that it was a fun way to spice up our sex life. After being together for awhile he told me that he didn't want anything to do with chatting or porn or anything, because it was wrong and that wasn't really him. I was totally fine with that and we didn't do it anymore. We got married and a few months later I found out that he was looking at it, but at work, and I had no idea about it until he got fired from job because of it. All the while he is asking me if I am checking out porno sites away from him, which I wasn't. He said that he didn't want me to do it, it's wrong, bla, bla, bla. He actually told me that he never did stop looking at it, he just didn't want me to know about it because he was afraid that I would judge him. Which doesn't make sense to me bc it's not like I am against pornography.

I was really upset, not bc of the porn, but bc he lost his job (he had to be doing it quite a bit) and bc of all the lying. He told me if I looked at porn I was cheating. He ended up going to counseling for almost a year for it. I found out he was looking at it again (while he was in counseling as well), and I confronted him about this numerous times and all he does is lie about it. The excuses and cover ups are so unbelievable. This has been going on for a long time. I don't understand why he lies about it. I know that there are alot of women out there that wouldn't be okay with their men looking at porn, but he has a wife that would enjoy doing it with him. I am really open sexually, he know that.

I am at the point where I am seriously considering divorce because I can't take the lying anymore. I want a better life and relationship (we don't have kids, thank God). How can you have a close relationship with someone who constantly lies? You can't. I know that some people are thinking that I knew he was into porn when I met him, and I did and I am accountable for that. He never lied about it when we got together at all - obviously if he had, I wouldn't have married him. BTW, when we got married our sex life changed dramatically. He was so disinterested. I was always initiating it. I was always in the mood for it, and I thought he was just stressed or whatever, but all the while he was looking at porn and masturbating.

I feel that I have tried everything to make this work, and I don't want to get a divorce, bc I really love this man. But I don't see things changing. I mean if counseling didn't work, what else could we try? I came out here to get some objective advice bc I am scared to death of being without him, but I am miserable staying him. I just don't know what to do. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Shae

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 1:23pm
Until he really wants help with is possible addiction and/or with his lying, I don't see how you can save the marriage.

You might want to read Pam's story about porn....

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcouplescou/?msg=7864.7


Carrie