Marriage uncertainty

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Marriage uncertainty
2
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:46pm
Hi everyone. I have an issue that I'm just not sure about. my boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year now (I'm 24 and he's 27). While we both agree that we are very happy with where things are right now, the marriage topic is creaping its way into conversation, as something of a possibility down the road. I have never been comfortable talking about marriage, I never grew up dreaming about my wedding, I've really never thought about it much. My boyfriend wants to get married, he wants a minivan and the picket fence and all that. We went to a friend's wedding this weekend and I was horribly uncomfortable and found myself not even being able to look at him during the ceremony. We both love each other very much (he loves me more than I could have ever asked for) but this is something that it starting to create some tension. What is my problem?! (My parents have been happily married for 27 years so it's not a divorced parents issue) Ironically enough I dated someone for a year and a half, and he never wanted to get married and I was very happy with the relationship, but part of the reason he broke up with me is that he saw me getting married and settling down and he knew he wouldn't give that to me... I don't know what my problem is...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 8:28am
I don't know if you're like me, but I've found guys generally want the exact opposite of what I want. If I'm thinking marriage, they're running scared. If I'm running scared, they're looking for commitment. It's just a thought, but maybe you got into the mode of not "scaring guys off" and now it's sticking. A year isn't very long to know someone, long enough maybe, but perhaps you're not completely secure in his love if you were just yourself? I don't know, it's just a thought. Best wishes.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 8:57am

It is not unusual to have "unconcious fears, worries and associations to certain events that causes problems for us that we do not understand. The reason you do not understand why you are afraid or repelled by marriage is that there is some "unconscious" material going on inside.