Married for 3 years with 2 kids, but still thinking about an ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2011
Married for 3 years with 2 kids, but still thinking about an ex
6
Mon, 06-20-2011 - 3:08pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I definitely think you should go for counseling.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Amber,

Don't talk to Noel. Talk to your husband.

You sound bored. You sound tired. You sound neglected. Your husband is the one who needs to know what you need. Not Noel. Not any other man.

By all means, if you think counseling will help you - go. If you think your husband would understand and go with you - yay! Ask him to do so.

All of us need affirmation. Everyone needs to be appreciated. It's a mutual thing in a marriage. I highly suggest you get the book "The Five Love Languages" and read it. It's really a great book when it comes to identifying how we like to be spoken to by our spouse. Your husband, too.

Good luck.

Forget Noel. He's the past. Your husband and children are the present and future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007

There's one important detail missing from your narrative: You haven't described your attempts to communicate your wants and needs with your husband. This is a critical detail. If you communicate properly and if he loves you and has the relationship skills to do so, he will respond by doing his best to meet your wants and needs--and hopefully, that will be adequate.

People get into trouble with this in two places: 1) They expect a spouse to read their mind, believing that love means we have some sort of psychic connection. Telling a spouse what we want or need makes it less satisfying when they give us what we want or need. This is a harmful idea that will ruin marriages. No matter how much we love someone we still have a responsibility to communicate clearly.

2) I believe many people have a sexual need to have their partner exhibit an extraordinary amount of initiative and leadership in bed. For some, this extends beyond the bedroom into other areas of life. This may or may not apply to you. You may or may not consider yourself somewhere on the submissive spectrum, sexually or in general. For a

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2011

No, I really dont want to be a single mother and I also dont want to be apart from my husband. I have talked to my husband before about how I felt, maybe not to this extent but I have asked him why doesnt he compliment me, or be flirty and all he has had to say was he isnt that type of person. As far as me saying I am used to my man being in control, I dont mean that in a bad way, I just mean he has a passive personality and two people who are passive just dont work. I dont know how to deal with this problem together, I mean like I said I have tlaked to him before and there has been no changes so what difference will it make now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2011

Wisdomtooth2020- Honestly, I am very bored, tired & neglected! I have talked to him about this about a year ago and still no changes, I mean once in a while he will compliment me on my eyebrows or feet or something, but what about any other time, am I not beautiful to him anymore? I know my husband will not want to go to counseling, he didnt even want to go to premaritial counseling. I will most definately check that book out, thank you!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
amber2989 wrote:

...once in a while he will compliment me on my eyebrows or feet or something, but what about any other time, am I not beautiful to him anymore?

You've confused me. Your initial post said he "never" compliments you. Now you say he compliments sometimes, but not all the time. You seriously expect a man to compliment you all the time? And when he doesn't, you doubt his attraction to you? Where did you get the idea that this was a good way to measure love and attraction?