Married and in love but need help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2007
Married and in love but need help?
8
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 11:19am

I just don't know what to do.... We have been married going on 12 years and have 2 children (7 and 1 yo). Back in January my DH came to me and said he was unhappy with our sex life (um... ok I have a 5 month old who wouldn't sleep through the night and I was the sole care giver). We still had sex just not how or as much as he wanted it. This isn't the first time this has been brought up over the last 12 years (and before that when we were dating.) At this point Dh was sleeping on the couch most nights and told me it was because of our intamacy issues.


Fast forward to present. Things have been great as far as I could tell. We did some fun (and some not so fun) experimenting in the bedroom and have really turned on the passion. For the last month or so he's been back on the couch. So last night I asked him why. Now I'm really worried it's because of me again. He said he dosen't want to talk about it and that I know what he wants. I do know and I do give it to him, but these last 2 weeks I've been really sick on and off. The only thing I can think is because of my illness he's not satisfied again.


We are pretty good at communicating and we have sex 4 or 5 times a week. I try to do something "extra special" every 2 weeks or so to keep him interested. I love him very much and try to please him, but I always feel like I will never be good enough for him and I've told him so. Just when I think I've met his expectations he pushes the envelope even futher out of my reach. Our marriage isn't a train wreck, but I'm worried it is going to become one.


Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 12:01pm

Welcome to the board incognito_diva,


This something "extra special" that he wants, is it something that you are comfortable with? Most people would be happy with having sex 4-5 times a week. Also he should understand if you aren't feeling well and not able to meet his sexual expectations because of it. He shouldn't punish you by sleeping on the couch.


My suggestion is to try and find a sex therapist in your area.


It sounds like your husband is selfish. At least in the bedroom. Is he selfish outside the bedroom as well?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2007
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 12:32pm

My husband is really a very good man and I wouldn't say so if I didn't think it. He is kind and generous with me and the kids. He's always showing up with flowers or doing something special. He very much wants to please me. There are only 2 areas we have consistent trouble with in our marriage - 1. Sex and 2. I'm a closet slob. Lately, I've been working very hard to keep those 2 areas in order.


He is selfish in the bedroom and fully admits it. He does want to please me too. And yes... I am uncomfortable with some of the things he suggests (and I've told him), but I am willing to try. The things I really don't like and he does, I will go along with once in a while.


As far as a therapist, he won't go. He tells me I need to go alone and find out what's wrong with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 12:39pm

Welcome to the board incognito_diva


I agree with Coltara, your husband does sound selfish, especially because of these statements:


1) but these last 2 weeks I've been really sick on and off. The only thing I can think is because of my illness he's not satisfied again.


2)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 1:06pm

How does he react when you tell him that you are uncomfortabe with the things he suggests?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2007
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 11:44am

Couple

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 12:06pm

Okay. Your last post is contracting itself.


First you write that it isn't about sex. But then you write that he pushes you to do things sexually that

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 12:06pm

::First it is not a sex issue, except for maybe it has run through my mind that he is maybe possibly an addict (? - I don't know)


Second... When I tell him I don't want to do something he keeps pushing and really dosen't show any regard for my feelings. If I flat out tell him "no" we fight - big fights. We've never had big fights except about sex.


Is there a typo in the above statements?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2007
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 12:36pm

Sorry to sound contradictory... I guess I should have said it isn't because of the lack of sex or that sex is non-existant or terrible. We have it often and it's good all around. I think the issue is more do with respect in general. I came back to edit my previous post to see these messages. I think there is a stereotype in marraige that one person wants it more and therein lies the issue. This is not the problem with us. I think there are times he wants and I don't and vice versa, but this is rare. Our timing is impecable.


What I came back to say was.....