Married and still in love with ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Married and still in love with ex
8
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 11:30pm
I dated this guy for a year and he had some jealousy problems. He didn't like any of my friends but most of them were guys. So his jealousy broke us up. And I ended up marrying one of my best friends. Which happen to be one of the guys that he was jealous over. I know now that he had all right to be as jealous as he was. After marrying my best friend he changed for the worse and wasn't at all who I thought he was. And we dated for 2 years. Now I am trying to get my ex back cause I realize so much that I done wrong and the ex was only looking out for me. I want my ex back and I know that he does not trust me at all. But I want to show him that I love him. Only he has a hard time believing anything that I say. He thinks that I was cheating on him the whole time, but I wasn't. I know I am in the wrong and I want to make it better now...I need help!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 11:16am
Just because it isn't working out with your husband doesn't mean that things would be great with your ex. He is a jealous man. He doesn't believe you. He doesn't trust you. Think about that.

Maybe you should walk away from both. Jumping from one relationship to another is always a bad idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 11:26am
I agree with ciao_gina, your ex may look very appealing now that your marriage isn't working out, but that doesn't mean that going back to him will leave you with a perfect relationship. If you are truly unhappy with your husband and there is no way to work things out, then you should separate and spend some time alone thinking about what you really want. With some time and distance, you may realize that you don't really want to be with either one. If, however, you decide that you really do want to be with your ex, realize that he may never be able to get past his theory that you cheated on him and even if you guys do try to work things out, this is an issue that will likely stay with you both for a very long time and his jealously is likely to get a lot worse.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 12:48pm
It has been a very bad relationship with me and my husband from the get go. After only being married to him for 5 months I ended up having to get a EPO on him cause he was abusing me. And while separated I went back to ex a couple of times. It is not cause my marriage didn't work it is cause I know in my heart that I truly love this guy. He was everything that I wanted and I made the Wrong decision about even breaking it off with him. He had all right to be jealous cause I was going to a bunch of guys house and partying with them. But I tried to tell him that he was the only one for me. I brought the jealousy thing on myself....Thanks so much for the replys and would love to hear more on what you all think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 1:11pm
First get away from your abusive husband. Take care of yourself. Your ex may or may not see a change in you over time, but don't plan on being with him at this point. You need to heal. You also need to figure out who you are, what you want, what motivates you and what makes you tick.

Please consider counseling as an option. Work on yourself esteem. Learn why you made the choices that you did so you don't repeat them.

PS. Too bad you didn't recognize your behavior with your male friends as inappropriate while you were still with your boyfriend. When your boyfriend pointed out his concerns about these friendships you dismissed his feelings as being jealous , nor were you considerate of his feelings or the impact of your male friendships on your relationship. The message you sent your boyfriend (at the time) was that the relationship with him was NOT important enough to make changes in your decisions and your behavior.

We have a talk show host here in the Los Angeles area and he always tells women (Tom's view) the male friends just waited until they get their chance with you and Dr. Laura's view that the friendships shouldn't be threatening to the Significant Other).


Edited 1/8/2004 2:07:47 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:23pm
Well I am getting away from soon to be ex-husband. I had to rent my house out and move in with my dad for the moment. I am going to start school in the fall and get my career started so that I can worry about me and my little girl. I know what I am supposed to be doing but I just don't see me happy with anyone else at all. My husband and I were apart for 3 months and I dated other people but also had some time with my ex bf. I know that I don't want to get serious with the ex bf but I do want him in my life to see if we can try to patch things up. I got back with my husband cause I am not one to give up on something. I gave him a second chance cause he said that he had changed and he had went to counciling and things but he has not changed at all. Luckily I am living with my dad and he knows that he can not mistreat me. I am not saying that I want my ex bf back right now I just want some advice on the things to do to make it better with him. How to let him know that he can trust me and those kinds of things. Thanks for the Help!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:27pm
Only your choices and behavior will show him who you are and it will take time to overcome his hurt feelings - I'm sure he feels betrayed...you married another guy. Be nice, honest, don't lie, answer any and all questions he may ask. Be who you are....

Sounds like you are on the right path with doing things that are right for you...the focus on a place to live, school, career and your child. That's great. Maybe it's not time for any relationship but time for you to heal and go slow.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:35pm
Thanks itwinflame!!!! But I am bad when it comes to admitting that I made a mistake. I don't know how to go about letting him know that I want to try to be friends with him from the start. I mean we see each other but it is always at a mutual friends house and I don't want to pull him away from them and talk to him. Plus I don't want to call his house or cell phone. I don't know how to go about it all. And I don't want to seem pushy or anything like that. I want to ask him to do something and don't know how to do that. I know that he is dating other people but I also know that it is nothing serious.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 3:35pm
'but I just don't see me happy with anyone else at all'

Why not stop worrying about who and when you will be happy in love. Concentrate on your new life, your schooling and your child. Take a break and let time be on your side. Don't worry about calling him or proving anything to your ex right now. YOu can't be anything to him if you don't have a happy life without him.

Think about going to counseling to work all of this out