married with crushes??
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married with crushes??
| Fri, 10-15-2004 - 10:49am |
I have been married for 6 years. Most of my marriage I was very overweight. I am now 144 pounds and I feel great. I am 26 years old. I have been recieving attention from men a lot. I have never experienced this before. EVER! I love it. I develop crushes on certain guys. I attend college and there is this guy in my class who is so attractive. We talk a little, and sit by each other. Anyway I am in control of these situations, however I always seem to have crushes on different guys. I can't stop thinking about them. It is always someone. But at the same time I love my husband, I want to have sex with him still and I have no desire to leave him. Is it terrible that I desire other men constantly? I have never cheated but I do wish I could and get away with it. The fact that I never had boyfriends when I was confident with myself is on my mind all the time. Would I have picked my husband? All of my crushes are men who are not like my husband at all. I desire to be single. But I don't desire leaving my husband. Sounds confusing huh? Is it okay to flirt with this guy in class? Is it okay to think of him? Are my crushes ever going to stop? I am sick of them. If it isn't the guy in class it is another guy. I am constantly seeking mens attention. I am to the point where I want to be back where I wasn't confident because I wasn't tempted as much. I am strong, I have been in situations where I could have cheated but I stopped. Can I be strong forever? Is this normal?? Help!

You are one of the few ivillage posters Pianoguy would like to pat on the back...and slap in the face!
I think it's great that you are losing weight and getting noticed. So any crushes that might develop when others pay attention to you are sort of 'a given!'
But...who was there to support you WHILE YOU WERE LOSING THE WEIGHT? Who was there to LOVE you during the times you probably didn't "love yourself?" If you had to choose between staying in a solid 6-year marriage or attempting a 6 week fling with a person who "temporarily turns you on"----WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT? Basically...do you have any consideration for your husband's feelings...or is it more fun to be self-centered? Sooo..
You can either act like a grownup and realize that you ARE married. Or act stupid and try to have "a fling" with the hope that nothing negative will happen? But guess what? One or both of your 'desires' will probably blow up in your face!
Pianoguy
We all are attracted to people. But if we are in a happy healthy relationship it isn't a big deal.
You, on the other hand aren't being treated well by your husband. A crush isn't going to solve your problems only help your self-esteem a little. What happens when your husband really hurts you agaion like he has in the past. What will stop you from approaching one of your crushes for a fling.
Maybe you should concentrate on improving your marriage instead of focusing your energy on other men. Why have you put up with his lack of support?
Still, try your best to not cheat. I know it's hard though. I feel guilty just for fantasizing. I feel bad for some of the things I wish I could do to this young man. I love my boyfriend. Everything is good, all except for the feeling of being wanted. I want to know someone out there is thinking of me, wanting to want me, but could never have me.
Does that make sense? It's hard for me to put my feelings into words.
Good luck and be careful
congratulations on your weight loss and kudos for doing it ON YOUR OWN for YOU. that takes a ton of strength so you should be very proud of yourself...
regarding your issue with cheating - look, you KNOW that cheating is wrong, but I really don't think that the cheating is the issue here - i think that you are having problems with your marriage - you feel that your husband is not supportive of you, maybe you feel that you only married him cause he was the best you could get (at the time, when you were overweight), and i have totally BTDT myself... but - this is something that YOU need to deal with RIGHT NOW. i think that its like when alcoholics stop drinking - but they don't deal with all the "issues" that led them to drink in the first place, its not enuf to just stop drinking. and the same goes for you - its not enuf just to "lose all the weight" because you HAVE TO deal with the issues - your relationships, your self esteem, etc. you've been using your weight as a shield or crutch your entire life - *it* was the reason your relationships failed, etc, and now - oops - you have to face up to REAL LIFE, like everyone else, and THAT can be scary.
so look - get some help for yourself. stop playing with fire. its ok for you to decide, at some point, AFTER you've seen a therapist, that you don't want to stay married to your husband for whatever reasons - FINE. but do the right thing for yourself and get divorced FIRST...