married with crushes??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
married with crushes??
7
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 10:49am
I have been married for 6 years. Most of my marriage I was very overweight. I am now 144 pounds and I feel great. I am 26 years old. I have been recieving attention from men a lot. I have never experienced this before. EVER! I love it. I develop crushes on certain guys. I attend college and there is this guy in my class who is so attractive. We talk a little, and sit by each other. Anyway I am in control of these situations, however I always seem to have crushes on different guys. I can't stop thinking about them. It is always someone. But at the same time I love my husband, I want to have sex with him still and I have no desire to leave him. Is it terrible that I desire other men constantly? I have never cheated but I do wish I could and get away with it. The fact that I never had boyfriends when I was confident with myself is on my mind all the time. Would I have picked my husband? All of my crushes are men who are not like my husband at all. I desire to be single. But I don't desire leaving my husband. Sounds confusing huh? Is it okay to flirt with this guy in class? Is it okay to think of him? Are my crushes ever going to stop? I am sick of them. If it isn't the guy in class it is another guy. I am constantly seeking mens attention. I am to the point where I want to be back where I wasn't confident because I wasn't tempted as much. I am strong, I have been in situations where I could have cheated but I stopped. Can I be strong forever? Is this normal?? Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 11:10am
jennymcoles...

You are one of the few ivillage posters Pianoguy would like to pat on the back...and slap in the face!

I think it's great that you are losing weight and getting noticed. So any crushes that might develop when others pay attention to you are sort of 'a given!'

But...who was there to support you WHILE YOU WERE LOSING THE WEIGHT? Who was there to LOVE you during the times you probably didn't "love yourself?" If you had to choose between staying in a solid 6-year marriage or attempting a 6 week fling with a person who "temporarily turns you on"----WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT? Basically...do you have any consideration for your husband's feelings...or is it more fun to be self-centered? Sooo..

You can either act like a grownup and realize that you ARE married. Or act stupid and try to have "a fling" with the hope that nothing negative will happen? But guess what? One or both of your 'desires' will probably blow up in your face!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 12:50pm
Okay, I guess I should have went further in to details. The only person who was there for me when I was losing weight was me. The only person who helped me like myself was me. My husband has been here supporting me financially. Which I am not complaining about. I have been a stay-at-home mom for 8 years, since I was 18 years old. I have had no emotional support from him for 9 years. I complained about it for years and then decided the only person who is going to make me happy is me. He is emotionally closed off and always has been. I married him that way and I plan on staying with him that way. So I get my attention from these crushes. Then I come home and I am happy. He is happy because I am not nagging him for some kind of intimacy. If we have sex it is because I initate it. He never acts as though he wants me. We had sex more when I was bigger. He has never complimented me on my losing 50+ pounds, never mentioned it. My whole life with him everyone has always said to me "you are so lucky to have him." Now people are saying the opposite. I love him and he is a good father. I don't plan on cheating. I just wanted to know if it is normal for a married woman to have crushes and want to act on them. Not act on them, want to act on them. There is a big difference. I want to, yes, badly. But I am not going to. I have had the chance to and didn't. Couldn't is the word. Couldn't. I don't want to hurt him purposly. Like he has me in the past, but that is another story. If these crushes are making me happier and in the long run, him happier (because I'm happier) are these crushes that bad of a thing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2000
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:49pm
Congratulations on your weight loss and your boost in self-image and self-confidence!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 3:58pm
You are playing with fire. Trust me, you may think you'd NEVER EVER cheat, but if you keep putting yourself in situation where it's possible, you probably will. Attraction to others than your spouse is going to happen. But that's why you stay alert and don't purposely put yourself in situations to be tempted. You are just making excuses to justify your actions. If you want someone else, then let your husband go. If you want to stay married, then stop behaving this way. It's mean and unfair. You CAN help yourself...you don't have to flirt, you don't have to be so tempted. You are chossing to do so...why torture yourself? It's dumb. You say you're happier flirting, but it's a farce. Soon, just flirting won't do it for you and you'll want more. Don't do something stupid...sex with someone else isn't what you think it will be. The guilt you'd feel would be horrible and you'll quickly realize that the fantasy is a far cry from reality. I would refocus your efforts on your husband. Try to talk about your new body and how you feel. Ask him what he thinks. Start a dialog and at least TRY to rekindle the romance. And if it ends up not working out and you're not happy, then maybe move on. But don't become a cheater...you think you had low self esteem being overweight, just wait until you become an adulter and lose your intergrity....talk about a self esteem killer. Crushes are normal, but purposely setting yourself up to cheat isn't. That is wrong. JMHO
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 4:54pm


We all are attracted to people. But if we are in a happy healthy relationship it isn't a big deal.

You, on the other hand aren't being treated well by your husband. A crush isn't going to solve your problems only help your self-esteem a little. What happens when your husband really hurts you agaion like he has in the past. What will stop you from approaching one of your crushes for a fling.

Maybe you should concentrate on improving your marriage instead of focusing your energy on other men. Why have you put up with his lack of support?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 11:06pm
I know what you mean by wanting those crushes and not acting on them. I too have come across some good looking guys who gave me the attention I crave. It's hard to not act on those crushes. I've come so close to giving in. I've fantasized about this one young man who gave me the time of day. Sweet but married. (As for me, I'm in a long term w/ a daughter relationship.) But to know that this young man, cute as anything, would give me attention I wanted, that's all that matter at that point in time. Of course I knew what he wanted but in the back of my head, I was thinking so what, he's cute. How desperate does that sound? I just wanted someone else to want me. I wanted to feel wanted.

Still, try your best to not cheat. I know it's hard though. I feel guilty just for fantasizing. I feel bad for some of the things I wish I could do to this young man. I love my boyfriend. Everything is good, all except for the feeling of being wanted. I want to know someone out there is thinking of me, wanting to want me, but could never have me.

Does that make sense? It's hard for me to put my feelings into words.

Good luck and be careful

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 1:09pm

congratulations on your weight loss and kudos for doing it ON YOUR OWN for YOU. that takes a ton of strength so you should be very proud of yourself...


regarding your issue with cheating - look, you KNOW that cheating is wrong, but I really don't think that the cheating is the issue here - i think that you are having problems with your marriage - you feel that your husband is not supportive of you, maybe you feel that you only married him cause he was the best you could get (at the time, when you were overweight), and i have totally BTDT myself... but - this is something that YOU need to deal with RIGHT NOW. i think that its like when alcoholics stop drinking - but they don't deal with all the "issues" that led them to drink in the first place, its not enuf to just stop drinking. and the same goes for you - its not enuf just to "lose all the weight" because you HAVE TO deal with the issues - your relationships, your self esteem, etc. you've been using your weight as a shield or crutch your entire life - *it* was the reason your relationships failed, etc, and now - oops - you have to face up to REAL LIFE, like everyone else, and THAT can be scary.


so look - get some help for yourself. stop playing with fire. its ok for you to decide, at some point, AFTER you've seen a therapist, that you don't want to stay married to your husband for whatever reasons - FINE. but do the right thing for yourself and get divorced FIRST...