Married & Falling for Someone else-HELP!
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Married & Falling for Someone else-HELP!
| Thu, 02-19-2004 - 6:35pm |
I am 32 yrs old and have been with my husband (who is 39) for 11 years (we are married only 3 of those 11 yrs). I was 21 when I met him and he was the first guy that was totally faithful to me and adored me. About 2 yrs into our relationship I realized he had an alcoholism problem. He drinks everyday (about 10-12 beers EVERYDAY). When he drinks he gets loud and obnoxious and at times very violent. He has NEVER hit me but he scares me by breaking things and punching his fists through walls and kicking in doors. He has stopped doing this to a great extent, however it does still happen once every couple of months.
(Before it used to happen almost weekly). This has been going on for about 8 yrs of our time together. I used to cry my self to sleep every night hoping that he would change, but I am at the point that I am kind of numb to it and it doesn't bother me anymore when he blows up. I feel like I could be falling out of love?? I started going to the gym about 3.5 yrs ago b/c I couldn't take his verbal abuse every night anymore. He used to try to control me and scream at me for going to the gym, but I stood my ground and kept going regardless.
To make it more complicated.....I met this guy at my gym about 3 yrs ago.
He introduced himself to me and I said “Hi” but pretty much blew him off b/c I was going through such a horrible time with my husband at the time. Well, 3 yrs later he still goes to my gym AND I was walking down the hall at my job the other day and there he was!
He just got hired upstairs in a different department at my company!
We started talking and he told me how he remembered talking to me 3 yrs ago at the gym.
We have now become friends and are emailing each other and working out together at the gym.
We have so much in common and I really am falling for him. He said he has a girlfriend but is still looking b/c they do not really get along. I don't know what to do b/c I really want to tell him how I feel about him. I am completely falling for him but I don't want to get rejected. Should I tell him how I feel. I don't think this is a crush. I feel this urgency that if I don't tell him how I feel I will regret it. How do I find out if he feels the same way? Is it really bad that I don't even care that I am married????
Help! My husband is not a bad person when he is sober, but I am so sick of having every occasion ruined by his drunkeness. I think this guy is interested also, but may be intimidated b/c I am married…Help!
(Before it used to happen almost weekly). This has been going on for about 8 yrs of our time together. I used to cry my self to sleep every night hoping that he would change, but I am at the point that I am kind of numb to it and it doesn't bother me anymore when he blows up. I feel like I could be falling out of love?? I started going to the gym about 3.5 yrs ago b/c I couldn't take his verbal abuse every night anymore. He used to try to control me and scream at me for going to the gym, but I stood my ground and kept going regardless.
To make it more complicated.....I met this guy at my gym about 3 yrs ago.
He introduced himself to me and I said “Hi” but pretty much blew him off b/c I was going through such a horrible time with my husband at the time. Well, 3 yrs later he still goes to my gym AND I was walking down the hall at my job the other day and there he was!
He just got hired upstairs in a different department at my company!
We started talking and he told me how he remembered talking to me 3 yrs ago at the gym.
We have now become friends and are emailing each other and working out together at the gym.
We have so much in common and I really am falling for him. He said he has a girlfriend but is still looking b/c they do not really get along. I don't know what to do b/c I really want to tell him how I feel about him. I am completely falling for him but I don't want to get rejected. Should I tell him how I feel. I don't think this is a crush. I feel this urgency that if I don't tell him how I feel I will regret it. How do I find out if he feels the same way? Is it really bad that I don't even care that I am married????
Help! My husband is not a bad person when he is sober, but I am so sick of having every occasion ruined by his drunkeness. I think this guy is interested also, but may be intimidated b/c I am married…Help!

Yes because you aren't doing anything about it. You say you cry about it and hope that he will change but what are you doing to change the situation? Dating a new man will not fix your marriage or your husband's behavior or addiction. Deal with the problem in your marriage first. If you want to leave then do the honorable thing and divorce him before you cheat.
If you cheat on your husband with this guy then one day the new guy will wake up and wonder when you are going to cheat on him.
'He said he has a girlfriend but is still looking b/c they do not really get along.'
So he is doing the same thing. Not facing his current problems with his girlfriend and looking for an escape with a new person. YOu are are already off to a dysfunctional start.
This guy at the gym is motivating you to want to get out of your marriage BUT that's the wrong place for the motivation to come from. If you are fed up, then do something about it, suggest counseling, go alone if need be, stand up to your husbands abuse, go to Al-Anon, leave, fix yourself (your self-esteem, work on communication) if you run from one relationship to the next you will not be happy.
Carrie
The problem is that I have already tried counseling about 2 1/2 yrs ago, and
alone since he would not come with me. The counselor told me that it sounded like my husband would not stop drinking unless there was an ultimatum (such as me leaving him).
I guess that is what I need to do.....maybe a separation to make him know that I am serious. But even then I will have to deal with him flying out of control and threatening suicide! I guess I have been waiting for 10 yrs for him to change and I feel like I am missing out on better things in life. IS THAT WRONG TO FEEL THAT WAY?
By your posts it seems like you think I am wrong for feeling that way?
Have either of you ever dealt with an alcoholic?
It can be very tiring and depressing and I don't want to feel that way anymore......:(
Neither of us said it is wrong to feel like you are missing out. OF course you are missing out on a lot. You are missing a satisfying relationship and a mentally healthy lifestyle among other things. Plus it is never wrong to feel anything.
In my opinion, I think it is wrong to *act* on those feelings the way you are heading. Flirting with someone else when you are married is wrong. Flirting with someone who has a girlfriend is wrong. Jumping into a relationship without working on yourself first is wrong. And not dealing with your current relationship is wrong.
Do you have kids?
I hope you find all the happiness and love you deserve, just not in the form of an affair.
Carrie
I hope I figure this out too. It's all I think about.
I used to hope he would change, but now I am not even sure if I can
ever love him as much as I used to. There have been too many times that
I have been hurt by his words, actions, and behavior that I can't get
those loving feelings back even when he isn't drinking.
I am losing respect for him and I want to be with someone that I can
respect and love. The worst thing is that we don't do anything together.
I am very active and he is very sedentary and only watches TV at night (and drinks beer).
I met him when I was 21, which is probably the reason why I am realizing all this now.
Now I am 32 & I know what I want out of life.....I am having a hard time leaving b/c I feel sorry for him. He is so dependent on me for everything, and he is having a hard time dealing with the fact that he is turning 40 this year. I am afraid that he will hurt himself if I leave. I am almost afraid he won't LET me leave.....thanks for listening......I'll stop rambling now.