married to the force
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married to the force
| Mon, 04-12-2004 - 12:01am |
I need advice! I married my husband about 8 years ago when he was a warehouse worker. We got along well and spent time together. About 2 years into our marriage he became a police officer. The changes in him started immediately. He works nights and volunteers for overtime constantly. When we do spend time together he only talks about his job,his cop freinds, co-workers, police equipment, programs...you get the idea. We have nothing in common anymore. I've tried over and over to exlpain to him that i feel left out and lonely since i stay home with our 2 children. I've asked him to attend marriage counseling several times. He agrees, then the idea just gets pushed away the next moment when a cop buddy calls to tell him about the great bust he just made. What this boils down to is.. I'm tired of being just being married to a cop. I want to be married to the man under the badge, I just don't know how to get him back . More and more often i find myself thinking of divorce. Is there any way to fix this?

Have a you thought of getting more involved with his work yourself? I don't know how old your children are, but maybe when or if they are school-aged, you could be a dispatcher, etc., or just attend meetings or social functions with the force. At least your husband is in the same town, unlike women married to men in the military. It seems doubtful to me that you're really going to get your husband to change much. Either he'll talk about police work, or eventually, he won't talk about anything much at all. You probably don't want that.
Still, even though his work absorbs so much time and attention, there must be something he needs for a breather from it once-in-awhile. I don't know how long he's been a police officer, but sooner or later he'll probably experience some burn-out. At that time is probably when you're going to get his attention more. If he's a good man and doing a noble work, I guess I would just support him in it as much as I could. You may need to make some sacrifices for the sake of others. Maybe you could cultivate friendships with other women who have more eclectic interests? I guess I would encourage you to hang in there. If you suspect there's more going on here, like other women, I would check it out. Otherwise, I suppose you'll have to put-up with his stories; the work is probably very stressful, as well as exciting, for him, and he needs you for a sounding board of sorts. He's probably dealing with life and death issues regularly. That would take its toll on anyone. Have you thought of a support groups for wives of police officers? I think there may be one here on ivillage, or maybe in your town. I'm sure you need to vent also.
Take care.
This decision is yours and yours alone to make. I doubt your husband will change anytime soon b/c it sounds as if he's happy and satisfied with his life the way it is. Please remember that. If you're not satisfied and happy with YOUR life, then you need to make choices and decisions which will bring you what you want and need. You're not going to get a "do over" when your life is done. This is it. I'm an advocate of making the most of it. It took me 13 unhappy years to learn that. I don't think it was a waste of 13 years b/c it lead me to learning very valuable life lessons. And that, in turn, led me to making choices and decisions for myself from which I've found true happiness and contentment today.
I never ever thought I'd be capable of being a single mother of 2 but....my 2 children today are happy, well-adjusted great kids. My ex and I parted amicably and always wanted what was best for them. We just both admitted we weren't the right fit for one another -- we wanted different things out of life, had different goals, different priorities, different needs (like you and your husband). That doesn't make either of you right or wrong, good or bad. It just makes you incompatible. My own view is that children raised in an unhappy household don't benefit from it. If their dad isn't around very much physically and even less so emotionally for them, then they're not reaping a whole lot from you being together as a family either. Both parents can be in the lives of their children, love them, support them and be there for them, even if they aren't married.
That's just my own point of view. What you do and what is best for you and your kids is up to you. I wish you strength and wisdom, and future contentment.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcopwives
I'm sure they will have some answers or at least be able to understand exactly what you are going through. Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie