Married. I want kids. He doesn't. What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2011
Married. I want kids. He doesn't. What to do?
Mon, 06-27-2011 - 8:43am

A little background:

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I have lupus, and having children needs to be a well though out process. I was having concerns and stressing about bringing a baby into the world with my problems. My husband has always comforted me and led me to believe that while he didn't feel like he'd ever really be ready to tell me to have children, that when the time comes that I feel like we should try, he would be there with me trying as well.

Well, last night we started talking about his childhood. He was abused by his dad. His mom abandoned the marriage, and then chose money over him, effectively abandoning him. He has since started a relationship with his mom again. His grandparents just looked the other way. They all go on like nothing ever happened. I've always known about the abuse. As we talked about how he feels like all of that has made him bottle up his anger and resentment, he decides to let me know that he feels like he doesn't want to bring a child into that. He doesn't think he is a good person, and says that he is very selfish. He is a perfectionist and thinks he will never be good enough, and will never be a good enough father. I countered with the fact that he has grown so much over the almost 8 years we've been together.

I know he would be a great father. He has told me there is no talking room, that he can not give me a child. He even went so far as to say that if I decided to stay with him that he would want to get a vasectomy before we had sex again. I don't know whether to wait a few weeks and approach the subject again? It's like I'm being torn between two things I can't live without. My husband who I have built a wonderful life with, or a child that I desperately want. He won't go to counseling to talk about his insecurities and past. I can't wait forever. I will be 27 in December. I know I am still young, but with an unpredictable disease, I have a limited amount of time. What do I do?

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

I don't think there is much you can do. He doesn't appear flexible and if he won't even go to counseling, then there is nothing you can do. He had put you in the unfortunate spot of choosing between the two things you want most.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

People don't "grow out" of the damage of childhood abuse!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007

Its a tough choice for you but do know that if leave him, you are open to find another man who would want kids with you.

By staying with him, you are chossing to be not a mother and nothing can fill that void.

By leaving him , you are losing 8 years but opening to a possibility of finding another guy who would want a family

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001

Have you discussed this with him in this context, that he is forcing you to choose between him and children? That he is living his life based on fears and that his choice not to get any kind of help is forcing you into an untenable position? Have you told him that it was unfair of him to lead you to believe you would have children when he had no intention of having them, and that action was selfish and manipulative? You need to lay your cards out.