Married. I want kids. He doesn't. What to do?
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|Mon, 06-27-2011 - 8:43am|
A little background:
My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I have lupus, and having children needs to be a well though out process. I was having concerns and stressing about bringing a baby into the world with my problems. My husband has always comforted me and led me to believe that while he didn't feel like he'd ever really be ready to tell me to have children, that when the time comes that I feel like we should try, he would be there with me trying as well.
Well, last night we started talking about his childhood. He was abused by his dad. His mom abandoned the marriage, and then chose money over him, effectively abandoning him. He has since started a relationship with his mom again. His grandparents just looked the other way. They all go on like nothing ever happened. I've always known about the abuse. As we talked about how he feels like all of that has made him bottle up his anger and resentment, he decides to let me know that he feels like he doesn't want to bring a child into that. He doesn't think he is a good person, and says that he is very selfish. He is a perfectionist and thinks he will never be good enough, and will never be a good enough father. I countered with the fact that he has grown so much over the almost 8 years we've been together.
I know he would be a great father. He has told me there is no talking room, that he can not give me a child. He even went so far as to say that if I decided to stay with him that he would want to get a vasectomy before we had sex again. I don't know whether to wait a few weeks and approach the subject again? It's like I'm being torn between two things I can't live without. My husband who I have built a wonderful life with, or a child that I desperately want. He won't go to counseling to talk about his insecurities and past. I can't wait forever. I will be 27 in December. I know I am still young, but with an unpredictable disease, I have a limited amount of time. What do I do?