married man with female friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
married man with female friends
5
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 10:56am
OK, here is my situation. Myhusband is very flirty naturally, this I knew as we were jut friends for 20 years before we became a couple. Here is the situation. He is going to school at night. He has been talking to this one girl on a "friendly" basis. She calls his cell phone frequently and they supposedly talk about school and "life in general". I found out yesterday he never told her he was married and I flew off the handle. He specifically told me he had told her and everyone else in class that he ws married and we are expecting a baby next month. He even went as far as to say how he shows my picture to them and talks about me in class as I already do what he is going to school for. I askede him to call her right then and there and straighten it all out and inform her he is happily married. he refused so I did it. I nicely told her that he is married, having a baby and that I feel he should've told him this up front. She agreed. I then asked her top lease not call him any more as he obviously had some other agenda besides freindship and she agreed and said she would feel the same way. Myhusband is now saying I overreacted and that I am too jealous and don't trust him. I'll admit I am a bit over jealous and untrusting,but there are things in his past that made me that way. I told him I will allow him to have female friends as long as he promises to be upfront right away and tell them he is married and if he wants to exchange numbers, he shoudl give the house phone, not the cell phone. I want this marriage to work out as I love him every much and I thought everything else was great between us. Am I being fair?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 1:48pm
I can be a jealous person, too. However, I HAVE to trust my husband. If you can't trust him, you shouldn't be with him.

You mention in your post that you "allow" him to have female friends, as if he's yours to boss around. He's not your child. He's your husband, your partner, your equal. You also mention that he's done things in the past that cause you not to trust him. These things need to be worked out.

I admit, I am jealous. I've been tempted to make the same sort of telephone call that you made. But I stopped myself. Because I respect my husband more than that. I try to treat him with the same respect I would like to be treated with. That means letting him have his privacy and accepting his female friends. That also means having confidence that he loves ME, and only ME, or he wouldn't be married to me. He may talk, or even flirt, with other girls, but I'M the one he sleeps next to at night.

I do have to say that it would bother me that he didn't tell her he was married. I would ask him why. Don't accuse him of anything, just ask.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:40pm
Hi!

You are being way more than fair to even let him have female friends!! He is married, there should be no need for female friends, other than the female half of other couples the two of you hang out with together. Do you have male friends that call you on the phone or call when they know your husband isn't around? I can see him talking to people in his classes, during class time, but there is no need for him to be having "friendships" with other women when he is married (and especially not telling them he's married and expecting a child!!). I don't know about you, but I always hung out with guys more than girls when I was in school and unfortunately, if there was any physical attraction, it usually led to either more than friendship or at least attempts were made.

I hope your husband is good and embarrassed the next time he goes to class!! Hopefully, she has filled all the other women in the class in on his marital status.

Good Luck and take care!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 6:03pm
Wow, I can't believe anyone thinks it's okay for your husband to have one particular female friend that he talks to on a regular basis and lied to about being married. Even if he didn't actually say he wasn't married, he lied by omission, which is just as bad. I think it's perfectly fine for a man or woman to have friends of the opposite sex, but when one particular "friend" seems to be taking up more than a reasonable amount of your SO's time and he or she encourages it, then there is reason to be concerned.

You were right to get upset. However, I think your calling this woman and telling her what you did was out of line. That should have come from your husband, and it should have been because he WANTED to do it, not because you gave him an ultimatum. Your calling her isn't going to change his behavior. It might change HER behavior with him, but there are always going to be attractive women that are going to threaten and challenge your relationship. If your gut instinct is telling you that there is something going on that you should be concerned about, listen to your gut feeling.

Someone else mentioned that in almost every case where a man has a woman friend who he is attracted to, it eventually leads to more. The only thing stopping him from stepping over the boundary is lack of interest on her part or lack of opportunity. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 7:08pm
I agree with Wisernow. So she won't call him now and agrees with you. That just confirms that his intentions were more than friendship. You can make all the rules you want but the much larger issue here is that he has a desire to see other women.

What is happening or missing in your marriage for him? I am not blaming you. I believe that when one person has a desire to stray then they aren't happy with what they have. It sounds like counseling is in order to find out.

Avatar for wishfulkittn
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 9:34pm
I agree with wisernow2002. You should not have called the girl, and you stepped over the line by doing that. Is everything going to be okay if you can convince women to stay away from him? If you can convince them that he is married and is about to have a child? That *isn't* YOUR job. Your man was out of line by not letting this woman know he was married, and he didn't tell her because he didn't want to. Had he been talking and seeing her on the basis of "just friends", he would have had no reason to lie. You aren't going to be there to talk to and convince every gal that he talks to. Look at what kind of man you are with. Some women just DON'T care if the guy is married/has kids. Remember that. You should be with someone who won't put you or HIMSELF in situations like this. Don't have much advice, as he is going to do what he wants to do. You are kidding yourself though if you think that stuff like this can be solved by you calling the other women.