Married but not in"love"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Married but not in"love"
5
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 10:24pm
I have been married for 4 years to a great guy, however there is another man that I have known for 10 years and had a relationship with previously. He keeps popping up and we both realize that we still have VERY strong feelings for each other. He is currently in the middle of seperating from his wife and I am currently questioning my marriage. Although I love my husband it is not that passionate, I can't live without you love that I feel for this other man. We were never able to really explore a relationship but have always felt that we had a very deep connection (I have never felt with any one else, even my husband) Part of me thinks I should just concentrate on making my marriage work and never have contact with this other man, but it breaks my heart to think I would never talk to him again. Its been 10 years of missed opportunity and poor timing with this other man and now it really has me wondering what could have been. WE both know it would have worked and been the best relationship but timing and circumstance didn't allow it to happen. Maybe for a reason, I don't know, all I know is that whenever I talk to this other man I get butterflys in my stomach - I just have to think about him and that happens.

I am so confused and feel like my heart is being torn in two - I really just need to hear opinions from strangers who don't know me.

Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it - positve or not

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:48am
Make sure you are not mixing up love and lust. You can possibly be feeling major lust for this man but end up very dissappointed when you find out that you don't have enough in common to sustain a long term love. Do you know all his likes and dislikes, his political views, his views on raising children or on handling money--spend it all or save it all. There is so much that could turn a great romance cold and dead in the long run. Sometimes we long for something until we get it and then we say "what was I thinking!" Before you loose a good man think long and hard as to how much you actually know about the other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 7:33am
eyelovegreg...

Pianoguy thinks you might be a future victim of a "rebound romance!" This man you seem to be willing to dump your husband for might have an outside appearance of perfection, but perhaps a hidden scar or two as well?

I'm sure you've heard the term: "You can't go home again?" Well, with most past relationships, that quote is also true.

Just to play devil's advocate....if your husband had his eyes on another woman (even though you might have been devoted as hell to him)...how would you feel if he suddenly dumped you? If you have a TRUE DESIRE to work out your marriage...DO IT...and DROP THE THOUGHT OF REIGNITING AN OLD FLAME.

"Getting burned" a 2nd time can be devastating!

Pianoguy (who has the emotional scars to prove it).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 10:00am
I must agree with everyone else, sometimes the grass looks greenier on the other side of the fence. Many times these things are all about lust and not love. As you mentioned you have a great husband and you have only been married 4 years. I think you really need to cut ties with this other man and concentrate on your marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:35pm
Not just lust, infatuation, the idea that someone relations to you well, feels the same spark, etc is very exciting, espeically if you are attention/passion-starved. It does NOT mean everything would be wonderful if the two of you got together. You would both have to deal with grief of the break-up of your marriage (and for a while the glow of this infatuation/lust/attention would deflect those feelings of grief). Most people feel they have failed somehow at the break of a marriage/relationship and it take time to heal, no matter how well you think you know this man. You haven't lived with him, don't know his daily habits and routines.

Instead, you are right to think about focusing on your marriage, falling in love again, making it exciting.

Ellen Kreidman, says in her book, The 10 Second Kiss, that people fall in love and stay in love not because of how they feel about the other person, but how they feel about themselves when they are with that person. This guy has given you attention, let it be known he has feelings for you, but who knows how he really treated his wife, how he communicated his needs in the marriage, how they resolved the issues or didn't.

The grass is not greener.

Reading material for you and your husband:

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 10:51pm
Thanks for your advice - I guess the biggest problem I have is that I do know everything about him - we can talk about anything and everything - its always been like that. this is what makes it SO hard to not be with him. Cause we both know in our hearts that we are missing out on the best relationship of our lives.