Married to Only Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Married to Only Love
5
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 11:54am

Ok. So I'm new to this whole message board thing, but I definitely need some help.

I have been married for 2 months short of a year. I got engaged when I was 19 and married when I was 20. By all my calculations, I'm 21 now. I met my husband when I was 13 and we dated up until the point where we got married. The only one time we have ever broke up was when we were seniors in high school and it was for four months. Not that I could count it, because he did the breaking up and I was left for those four months just trying to recuperate from the end of a 5 year relationship. I dated no one at that time and he dated 2. Needless to say I have never been with anyone else. I have never dated anyone else, (We're not talking about middle school) never really done anything with anyone else. I moved straight out my parents house right into his apartment. Nothing in between. I was 18 when I moved out. I could say that part of the reason we got engaged is because my family is Seventh Day Adventist and in our religion you just don't live with people unless you're married to them. That could be part of it. But it would be harsh to say that it was all of it.

So, this week has thrown all that into sharp relief. Andy (my husband) has a friend that I was hanging out with. He trusts me to hang out whenever wherever because I've never done anything to break his trust. I'm not so trusting because he cheated on me twice before we got married. So anyway, me and his buddy were hanging out, drinking and later I found myself lip locked in the kitchen with him. I didn't stop it and for one reason or another I didn't feel guilty about it later. I even considered carrying on this relationship in the future. However, I'm too honest. I told Andy last night. We started talking and he said that maybe I was feeling like I had missed out on some part of life. That I had never actually had a relationship with anyone else. He offered to give me a separation to see if that could possibly fill in my need to be independent. He says he's completely happy with the relationship, but he wants me to be also. I don't know. He works 15 hours a day to support me and I feel like I'm being a horrible kind of wife. I've always grown up with people who believed that women were subordinate to men. But I feel myself struggling against the restraints. I need advice. Anything.

Goddess_Sakinah

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 12:35pm

Welcome to the board Goddess_Sakinah,


I have to say I agree with your husband's thinking on why you kissed the other guy. What do you think about it? It is pretty common in people who get married when they have never dated anyone else.


You could go to counseling to help you figure out what you are feeling. Do you love your husband? Do you want to stay in the marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 12:37pm

Do you have a job? Why is your husband working 15 hours a day? This leaves you alone for much of the day and when he is home, he's probably dead tired. I get the feeling like you are feeling alone too much. Personally, I would go get a part-time job, (if you don't have one already)or look into ways that expenses could be cut down so he doesn't have to work so many hours. Your just lonely. Now that you have gotten involved with kissing this friend, you need to not be alone with him. You have a very forgiving man in your husband. I wouldn't just go "Free willy" on him if I were you.

If your getting a job isn't an option for whatever reason, look for a group of people you can have something in common with that keeps you busy. Learn to crochet, take a class. I don't know. I just think if your husband is kind enough to forgive this, he deserves way more than a wife that goes out to "find herself". But that's just me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 12:47pm

He works 15 hours a day sometimes. He's a cable guy and the days can get long. He's doing it not because we need the money but because he hates being in debt. He just graduated from a rather expensive school for Recording Technology and he's working as hard as he can to gain financial freedom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 12:52pm
I love my husband. I've loved him for as long as I can remember. The other thing that seems to be happening in our relationship is that he's very submissive. No matter what I do he never gets very angry, he always forgives me and usually the blame gets placed on the other person. Like with this instance, he seems content enough to blame it completely on his friend. He only talked about what he was going to have to do about his friendship with this guy. It's slightly frustrating for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 1:32pm
I can understand the being frustrated at being with a subbmissive men. I have one of those myself. He doesn't know any other way though, I can promise you that much. Perhaps that is why you didn't feel guilty about kissing the other guy. He may have made you feel like a woman?
If you were taught to be submissive too, being submissive to a submissive is very frustrating. I am in the same situation. Here's the thing though. You have a man who is willing to work long, hard hours to support you. That is hard to find. My husband does the same. He needs to be given much respect for that as many men won't work at all.
Two: He should dump the friend who was scamming on his wife. The guy isn't a true friend. If the guy was a true friend, he would want what is best for the both of you and kissing you isn't what was best for the two of you. So while your husband is talking about what he should do about the other guy, he is sad the relationship has taken this turn but knowing it has to end at the same time. Your husband's manhood had been violated here, even if he can't put it into words.