Married, pregnant, miserable

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Married, pregnant, miserable
11
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 11:35pm
My husband and I have only been married for 2 weeks, a couple of days ago I found out I was pregnant, when I first told him he was very happy about it.

The next day he came to me and asked me to have an abortion. He made it clear that at the very least he would be very unhappy if I didn't go along with his wishes, he also made it appear as if he would leave if I didn't abort. There are some differences I've tried to understand and cannot.

I have 2 children from before our marriage. A 4 year old and a 2 year old. I am an American woman. I am 23, he is 24. Abortion is something I cannot agree with, it goes against my own beliefs drastically. He tells me I don't love him because I'd said I couldn't do that. I have tried to make him understand that I would not ever be happy with that decision and he doesn't understand.

My husband is from India, and for those who don't know...abortion is encouraged there because of overpopulation problems. It's a commonly done practice, and everyone does it. He has a very careless attitude because of this. He wants us to have time to ourselves (I'm not sure where he figured the 2 kids in there), more time to be married before we have a child (I somewhat understand this at least, it is nice to enjoy our married time together, however, pregnancy takes 10 months, that's a lot of time!) and that he feels like his life would be over if I don't abort. I am going to having this child. Is there some way I can tell him this that will encourage him to stay and work with me on this? Both of us are very much opposed to divorce. Are there words I can possibly use to make him understand I need his love and support? And that by keeping this child I'm not ignoring his needs?? I have thought of his side of things..the fact remains..I am pregnant, that cannot be undone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 1:38pm

first - hugs and i am very sorry for what you are going thru right now. I am sure it all feels very overwhelming to you - I can't imagine being in your shoes.


wow! what a mess you are in right now. all i can say is - there is not going to be an *easy* way out of this. something/someone is going to have to "give" here.


it looks like you have two problems - or one problem (the differences between you and your husband) and now one issue (your different reactions to an unplanned pregnancy. you need to solve this issue but you also need to settle the bigger problem. because, in a marriage, there are going to be many many other problems which pop up - money, kids, inlaws, money, sex, household chores, money.... - and you need to decide if you can accept your husbands attitude which is "this is what i expect you to do, if you really loved me you would do this without hesitation, and if you don't do what i want i will leave you."


regarding your pregnancy: what it really boils down to is what is more important to YOU (lets leave your husband aside for a moment). is the life of your unborn child more important than your marriage? is your marriage more important than your unborn child? I don't know what to tell you. I would never abort an innocent baby to please my husband. and its nice that that is the way things are done in india (?) but you are living in the US. when people don't want babies they either abstain from sex or they take precautions that are 200% foolproof - and BOTH of you made this baby. if you decide to stay in this

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 5:33pm
Thank you. I agree that there is some issue with how we're dealing with things. I told him I didn't like how he would tell me to do something as a command, and expect it to be done. He asked if he was being too dominant and I told him he was. I told him I preferred things be 50/50 - we discuss an issue, our opinions, feelings, reasoning..and resolve is then. Not he says where to jump and I ask how high. He told me he will be working on that.

As far as my being pregnant goes. My religion and beliefs will always prevent me from having an abortion. I finally made it clear that under no circumstances would I be able abort. I told him I loved him. I respected his opinions, his needs. But that I could not go against my own beliefs and religion. He begged and pleaded and made it much worse. But in the end decided he couldn't handle not being with me even more. It is something we need to work on. We have hit similar issus before, larger ones...but he's handled them beautifully thus far.

When we were married his parents were unaware of it, marriages in India are largely arranged, not love based. The parents choose the bride, or the husband in the case of a girl. And having children before the marriage is unheard of. Marrying someone with children is unheard of. Marrying someone outside of his caste is unacceptable. He finally told his parents, after the wedding. And they flipped out. They told him he had to come back to India. He almost felt like he had to...he chose to defy them. And stay with me. That was before he knew I was pregnant. I don't know. I guess we'll see. Regardless I think we both need to be more clear about our needs and speak them, rather than assume the other one KNOWS.

I do value my marriage. I've not ever been married before because no one was ever the right person. He is that person to me. He always has been. I'm not miserable now. I'm also not happy. I hope he warms to the idea of a newborn..he's got 10 months or so. I'm wanting to go buy baby things and stuff, but I'm afraid to ask for fear of it bringing up that pain for him. I don't know. We'll see I guess. We're also moving into a new place next weekend, which doesn't help the stress at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 5:58pm
You give very little information. But what is apparent is your two children do not, at least at this time, reside with you. He probably never intends, nor will permit them to do so.

He got into this marriage to have a wife right now...and perhaps children in the future. And so you having children that you don't have custody of - they're not his kids and he's not going to want you to spend time, money, or effort in affiliating with them. That'll also take time away from him - as a new husband and you as his wife.

You've married into a cultural difference...and if you can stand back and objectively review this you'll see the problem. While you view divorce is wrong based on your values and beliefs...that is becuase of the culture in which you've been raised. in our society we have a very stratified line...with conservatives in political an other venues using "abortion" as a stick to hit the democratic, non-conservative parties - about how bad, wrong, inappropriate abortion is - unless it is medically advised due tothe condition of mother or child. Even then, some religious sectors say "carry the child even if it is born dead, or deformed, or if it costs the mother her life - that's a low price to pay to bring a child into this world."

His culture is one of overpopulation, where women are second class citizens and not equal in partnerships or marriages and what they want is not considered in the man's reasoning process. He's thinking about the bigger picture, long term goal - and his own immediate needs. In his culture, women don't work as a rule, and the man deciding if a baby is born given that he' going to support it entirely is appropriate in that culture, by whatever reasoning they use.

You're dealing wth a cultural issue...what you believe is wrong...he does not believe is wrong to do. Since there is no way to span that gap, you're now left with considering each other, in regard to your own needs and your love of your partner...and one of you is going to CONCEDE...there is no compromise available here.

I'd suggest first you discuss your two children with him. If you were thinking that your marriage at some point would provide them with a full custodial home and thus custody is what you'd get - you need to discuss that with him, and see if he is willing to do that. Quite often, in his culture, the children of another man are spurned, and a woman having children by a living man (not a widow) is considered damaged used, and second class baggage.

If he says that your children are not ocming to live with you - if that is what you wre planning on...ask yourself if you're prepared to be a single parent of at least this child, with the other two being in custody of the father or whoever currenlty has them.

Because he's saying that he will NOT tolerate a child at this stage of the marriage. You're saying that you will NOT abort. There is one answer - and that is split up, with you taking the cild becuase he doesn't want the child...so are you prepared to be a single parent to this child of mixed race?

Don't sit around for 9 months trying to fgure out what to do - only to find that you're bringing a child into the world that he's never wanted and always stated that position, and that he's unwilling to interact with, fund, or support in any way - while he leaves you because you disobeyed him.

In legality, it is one thing to say that you're subject to the laws of the country you're in. That is quite true - recall the student in china who was flogged for defacing cars. While this country was in outrage...that country was serenely metting out a punishment they considered fit the crime. There's an indicator of how cultural differences are going to affect youadn this child and him.

So, legally, in this country - should you two split, and his paternity be confirmed - you could seek support and visitation - with no guarantees of receiving either one if his wages cannot be traced, or if he does not continue to reside in this country.

But culturally, if this man who has grown up with he expectation of being the head of his household says "abort" and you do not - he will do what his culture dictates, not what "your culture" dictates. Laws preside over actions, but childhood cultures and environments prevail in all dealings at all times.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 6:11pm
Whoa..I did apparently leave out a bit of information..lol. My children have lived with me from day ONE. They have minimal involvement with any parent but me. I live with my father. My husband and I are NOT living together until we have our own place. He loves my children and calls them his own. I think the reality has not sunk in for him yet though. He's known from day one that where I am my children are, it has always been like this and will always be like this. Sorry for that misunderstanding. My children do live with me, I am their sole gaurdian and I've always had full custody of them :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 6:18pm
So you married a guy without him already having a place to call home of his own...that you could move into?

It's great...but I think you've got fantasy confused with reality here. It's one thing to claim that he'll love, support, guide, and nurture them at all times...and it's going ot be quite another rude awakening to find himself with two children to support, and raise, to nurture, and mentor and discipline - while working, and having a wife (pregnant not the point).

It's just a shock to people that have never had children how much time, energy, effort, and how draining they are to raise on a daily basis. I just doubt that he's prepared for that if prior to marriage, and even post-marriage - he's been able to go home whenever the stress gets bad....and that he's never lived independently on his own, and made ends meet - that is going to add to the stress 10-fold.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 6:37pm
I never knew him India. We met here, he has his own apartment (which is too small for me and the kids to share with him) that he shares with 2 roommates - also from India. He's been here for a year, which is about how long I've known him. I know there is a huge gap between our cultures, but never before did I hit it so head on. The house I'm living in now we've also outgrown, 2 children and the two of us just won't fit...I don't mind sharing a bedroom with the two kiddos, but sharing one room between 2 kids and my husband, just is bad. We've gotten our own place (we go sign the papers tomorrow for the lease) and we'll be moving by the week's end. I think basically the deal here is...while I'm here...at the least my dad is here...and he is the doting grandfather, he LOVES being around the kids...so while Tushar is here the kids are usually occupied with my dad. And if my dad isn't here then it's pretty likely my little brother is, and again, they all interact a lot. I have a very close family. So having time to ourselves on a regular basis is something he's gotten used to, the realities of having children all the time without the built-in breathing jungle gym is going to be a bit of a shock. I don't think it's sunk in yet how much work they take. I am a stay-at-home mom and always have been, so that doesn't bother me. The slave/master way he's trying to deal with things he doesn't like...does. I did tell him it bothers me..he loves and respects me enough to try to change that. I'm also a bit fiery..if he steps on my toes I will let him know. Quickly. There is still that HUGE cultural gap. I never thought I'd run into this. It's that out of my area of understanding, it's like someone speaking french to me...I just stare like um, what? No matter how much I listen to Frech I will never learn it just from listening. Or understand it. That's what this is like. He has said he'll stay. But like a friend of mine said...it's like he keeps waiting until I'm on solid ground..then yanks the rug out and watches me fall. I have made a pretty solid decision. If he keeps changing his mind I will end up doing this with the help of my family rather than my husband. I know the realities of being a single parent, that's what I've been for almost all of my kid's lives...lol. Bi-racial certainly doesn't bother me either, a child is a child..and s/he will be beautiful regardless. I'm just sort of..hoping something will snap in his brain and he'll realize that he too wants this child. I did tell him that I know women are treated differently where he is from...and I told him...in this country women are revered, especially when they're expecting a child...and I need to be treated this way.

So what's this boil down to? I don't want to divorce him. I will if I have to. I am perfectly capable of being a single mother, I've been doing it for 4 years. I am perfectly capable of being single as well. I did that for well, a year or so before Tushar and I met. I want a NICE way of making my husband understand how I feel. I showed him a beautiful photo of me holding my newborn son, it was a picture that makes most women's wombs ache..a picture of my little brother holding my newborn son, obviously scared, it's a sweet picture..and a picture of my father with tears running down his face and a huge smile holding my newborn son. I didn't get the greatest pictures of my daughter, but there is a whole collage on my wall of pictures of her in her various moods..and he's seen that..including the first time I kissed her as a newborn. I guess things are just...that different. I've been thinking of buying something baby-ish and giving it to him..I'm not sure how good of an idea that is though. Whew, darnit I ramble on sometimes, sorry about that :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 6:44pm
And of course I forgot the other points. He's been going to grad school the entire time he's been here. He graduates in May with a MBA in Business Management. He's currently in the process of earning a prestigous internship with Wal*mart..we're pretty sure he will get it. As it is he works on campus part time. Since he is now married, that will increase, as well as the internship, which while it doesn't pay great, it is 40 hours a week, and it does pay. Which is better than some of the other, less prestigous, internships around. A lot don't pay at all. Which would be...hah, impossible. The idea with moving was to avoid shuffling. I want us all to go to one place, instead of moving the kids into his tiny apartment, or moving all of his stuff into this cramped house. It's a lot less upheaval on the kids. One place, they do love Tushar, he interacts with them, he jumps as fast as I do when they cry (sometimes faster, esp. lately) and tries to console them or discipline them. It's a slow process but he's handling it very well. Like my son has gotten physical with him a few times, like hit him with a toy..and I've seen *many* people behave badly when someone hurts them, regardless of who the someone is... a lot of people have an instant angry reaction. Tushar did not, he took the object from him, told him "no no no" and that was that. He does handle the day to day stuff relatively well...he just hasn't had to deal with them for a long period of time. So this will definitely be a big thing for him. That's part of why I don't understand this. He knows I already have kids..why would he ever think I would be accepting of an abortion?? I guess I'm just dumbfounded now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 7:12pm
Look, realize that everything that you think is great, positive, devine, and desired in terms of parenthood, and the responsibilities of it - if he doesn'tshare that same definition of parenthood you and those kids of yours are in for one heck of a shock.

It seems like none of this was thought out. Here's a guy who's never in this country supported himself in an independent fashion. Now, if he was living with his two roommates so that he could "save cash" - that's one thing. If he was living with two roomates because he needed to in order to make ends meet on what he makes and what he likes/wants/will continue to spend money on....you all are in for a rude awakening.

Because you've apparently never financially supported yourself. Which, I understand how that happens...but trust me, you've no idea of the financial burden and backlash this is going to be when instead of your dad and your family "handling your problems' because you're being such a wonderful mother...you're dealing with himi and having to accept and deal iwth the problems either together as a compatible couple...or as individuals trying to get your needs met with a disparity of priorities and options on both sides of the fence.

So, if this guy has never fully supported himself in this country entirely, while still having the cash to blow on his fun.....it is highly unlikely that what he makes is giong to cover everything. IT's a funny thing about budgets, because they often work on paper and not in real life. I learned that being a single parent, and depending on assistance from my folks. On paper, I looked at my earnings, my rent, my utilities and gas for my car, the one my parents provided, and I had no child related expenses because my parents provided everything for him. On paper, I should have been able to pay the bills and put back about $50 each month, living in a very conservative and moderate lifestyle. But in reality things kept happening. Tires blew out, the radiator blew up, the TV went out, my parents didn't like my choice of a blouse so "I" had to pay for it if "I" wanted it...that sort of thing, and it wasn't long before my outgo exceeded my income - just based on "living expenses" - no frills.

So if neither of you have ever done that....I really wold consider jumping into that pot very slowly. As in you two living in that apartment, and you two covering the bills, and you deaing with this pregnancy - and you leaving with dad with paying the bills for your kids, and leaving hte kids with your dad and you parenting htem every day - even though it'll mean extra effort.

Because he's ordering you around....and he's going to order those kids around, I guarantee it. And when he does, that fiesty temper of yours is going to rightfully riled, and instead of living in a peaceful home - those kids are going ot find themselves in the middle of a war zone.

Cultural differences are huge.....and in taking someone on as a partner that has cultural differencs, or a handicap, or a chemical imbalance (not talking addiction - but like bipolar) what you're doing is saying that you are going to be the more rational, reasonable, responsible, objective, and discerning person...and that getting YOUR way isn't going to be your goal - learning how to get along is going to be your priority.

If both of you go into this cohabitation, another new thing, with that approach, without the kids there - and you two learn how to pay the bills, and save for expenses, and every day you both go and parent your existing children till bedtime...that'd be fine. What I wouldn't do is bring your kids to your housew hile he's gone, rushing them back to grandpa when he's coming home.....you want your kids to think hhe's more important than them - you take that approach and that'll guarantee you some resentment and rebellion on everybody's part.

But if you go to them when he works, you parent them like you always have at your dad's house and he has to come to your dad's to eat, and to parent the kids, and then after they're asleep you both leave.....he's going to get some idea of how impactive and how innundating raising kids is.

Which doesn't leave you any room to decide about this next child, at all. So, go talk ot your dad, ,find out if you having another child, coming back hoome as a divorced again single mother of 3 kids who doesn't work - is going to impact the futures of your children.

Because if your dad is supporting your kids - there is a limit to how much higher education and emergency funds he's got to finance your kids. You're going to add another mouth to the mix...and you need to find out if that position financially is one that he can bear.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 7:20pm
This might help you to realize the gap that you're attempting to span.....

His culture dictates that his word his law in his household. That his servants, wife, and children are all in subservient submission to his wants, needs, demands, and requirements. That's "life in India" -in brief.

In this country, you're an equal to him legally in marriage, but only are you "equally" his partner if he gives you equality by listening to your needs, and considering your needs - when determining what to do. This country allows you to leave him without permission, should he violate "your rights as you view them".


From there, you can see that his culture is much easier for him to live in than ours, and his cultural standard is much easier to keep than ours. Less communication and confrontation is involved in ordering people around, and banishing or punishing them for disobedience when not obeyed.

You can't understand why he's so "pro abortion"...and you can't believe that he didn't accept this with open arms.

Listen to what you said earlier...the man is defying his parents, he's absolving himself of his familial ties and approval and alliance, he's marrying an American, with children, he's as yet never entered the profesional environmetn and supported himself - and now he's being called on by his culture (and by your lack of ever holding a job) to support a wife and now if this pregnancy continues - 3 kids.

He's turned his back on his beliefs, his options, his standards, his culture - to "be with you". You're going to get a backlash and a half from that at some point.....rest assured.

Meanwhile, you now want him to forfeit his cultural standards - his being dominant and setting the rules - to adhere to your cultural standards which are to him inappropriate, wrong, and incorrect.

There's a saying...when in Rome, do as the Romans do. That simply means understand and accept the principles by which THEY are going to operate....that in no way requires you to ooperate by those same values, priorities and standards, it simply is advising you that hwen dealing with them - you should, if you're in Rome, and want to make things easier on yourself.

There is also another truism......."Know the rules intimately so that you bend them to your advancement, and do not break them to your detriment." Dahli Lama

You shouldn't be shocked that he doesn't wnat another mouth to feed...he threatened to flee back to India when he found his parents were in disapproval of his actions...don't be suprised if at some point he doesn't go back there, with this in his country being "all a mistake" and irrelevant...and you stuck over here, married to a guy that you can't find to divorce, if you could afford to get one.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 8:54pm
You assume so much it's astounding..lol. How is you just KNEW my children weren't living with me? And how do you KNOW my dad couldn't afford another mouth to feed? I have spoken to my dad, he would be thrilled to keep us all here. And further..I would NOT send my children to my dad's house when Tushar was home. At most they would go to my dad's house for a weekend once in awhile as a treat to them. Perhaps this is something that has happened in your life..but while your arguments are valid for the topics you're speaking on..none of the topics apply personally to me. The assumptions you've made thus far are *very* far off.

1. My children are my first priority. Above my husband. Above myself. Period.

2. With a MBA in business management he'll make around $100k a year...minimum. His family is well off. My family is well off. We will not be poor or starve.

3. He worked for 6 years in India *before* he came here, he has a well established career already, he's finishing it by getting the best degree possible for his career. He supported himself before coming here, while he's here. And he has roommates that DONT PAY RENT. They have just come here from India - he's part of the Indian Student Assoc., International Student Assoc., Student Government member - because of those things he is often the person to go pick up international students from the airport. These roommates happen to be Indian, have just moved here, and it is a severe culture shock. That is another part of why we won't be moving into his apartment, he's leaving it for them. He is letting them stay there because they are fellow countrymen and he knows how scary that first month is.

4. I worked up until I got pregnant, I have lived on my own quite successfully - I chose to live with family because my children would get the best upbringing possible - and have, they see a loving stable MIXED family life.

5. The thing I asked advice on was how to deal with telling him of the pregnancy in the best way possible. I did. I told him I loved him, I respected him immensely, but I would not go against my beliefs...and by myself or with him I would raise that child. He has chosen to stay with me. So my visits here...are over. I resolved it myself. Without dealing with someone who just KNOWS everything..while not even *trying* to understand my personal position. Thanks for the advice, maybe if I have a different situation I'll come back. I don't think so though.

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