Married sex life dead

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Married sex life dead
3
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:22am
I was reading some posts on people staying their SO just didn't want sex anymore. I have that problem with my husband. We've been married a year and we were active in the begining but since the January we only were intimate once. I've talked to him about it and he says he's tired and stressed and that it's him. I've gotten in the room to spend time with him and when I start making any moves he starts a conversation with me. He has done this the last two times. Maybe he's confused. I was wondering if it's stress or is it really me? I asked him if he still wanted me and he got defensive and asked how I could think such a thing. He hugs and kisses me and even makes me soup when I'm sick so what's wrong with him? Why does he reject sex? (I've already hit emotional breakdown.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:38pm
Whatever you do, do not freak on him, by asking him stuff, like, "is it me? Are you still attracted to me?" and all that stuff, although it is a normal response. Do not do that, it will only further push him away.

That much I know. If it is you, he will not tell you anyway.

Try to lay low, and do some detective work on your own, without meeting him head on. Be patient, in time, you will find out what the issue is. All married couples go through this at one point or another. You are smart not to ignore it, but give him some breathing room so it does not get worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:04pm
Personally, I couldn't stand it either and I would feel the way you do.

So, here's what I'd do, take him for a walk, around the neighborhood, on the beach, park or lake and start a conversation: I feel so much for you. I love being close to you. Having sex or not having sex is usually reflects issues in a marriage. Since I still want sex, I'm wondering what's wrong that I'm not aware of. If he doesn't then I'd say - Sexual express of our love and caring is very important to me and I need to know if there is anything I can do to help, or if I should be suggesting a dr appt or a counseling appt?

Reading material to consider also:

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Dr Phil's book has a section in which you rate how important a sexual relationship is to you, maybe he will read the book with you?

When you say you make a move, what kind of move are you making? One that you would like to receive or one he would like to receive? Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, says how different men and women are in this regard and the advances are very different.

Do you think he is depressed and/or overworked? I've heard depression and stress really take a toll on a man's libido.

Sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully someone else will have some ideas for you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:44pm
The best response I can think of to this is a Bible verse. It says, "Do not deny each other, because you're bodies are not your own. If you must separate, do so for a short time, then come together again lest you enter into temptation". It's kind of a rough paraphrase. Anyway, I don't think you should hold it over his head. However, my ex-husband held it over my head constantly, and I responded. I think better of it now, but it did teach me something. Even though I really loathed the man, I could actually will myself to be involved with the situation because it was what he wanted.

I know it's a little different for a man, performance wise, but isn't he being a little selfish to not even try to meet you half-way? To me, this is not negotiable. He has a duty and an obligation. Why else did he marry you? Otherwise, you could just be good friends. Even if he can't get into it for himself, maybe he could reach outside of himself a little and do it for you. If he's too selfish to, I would seriously rethink the situation. Maybe that's a little harsh, but people need to grow-up sometime. Best wishes!