married to soldier gone too long

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
married to soldier gone too long
2
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 7:57pm
Hi, I'm hoping to get some feedback really quickly. I have been married to a soldier, this year will make 5 years. I used to be a soldier myself for only 3 years. We tried to have a baby for over 3 years and it seemed like it was not going to happen and then when we were not expecting it I was pregnant. About 2 weeks after finding out I was pregnant he got orders to Korea and when I was 6 months pregnant and high risk and having problems he left for Korea. He came back when the baby was born, missing her birth by 3 days. He was not very nice to us at all. He seemed different and instead of being happy that she was here and lovely, he focused on the angers he felt at the army and himself for missing everything. I understood his anger but I have pictures of the baby with him in the back looking like he wanted to kill someone. I went through a lot also being in this military town and not having no friends or family here and having the baby without him, but my beautiful baby was important to me. Then he started something new in Korea - gambling and spent all our money and did not even think about the things that the baby needs. He only stayed 2 weeks with me after the baby was born and then had to return to Korea. I did it all by myself. When the baby was sick; when she wouldn't sleep everything and he was no where to help and was doing crazy stuff in Korea. My baby was born November 2002 and he finally came home October 2003. We tried to work through some things and for him to get to know his daughter. There are many unanswered questions about things he did in Korea. I used to love the ground this man walks on now I don't think I trust him or like him anymore.

The whole thing is that before we could work through any of these problems and try to rebuild again if possibl, at the beginning of December he was sent to Iraq. He is supposed to be home in about a month and even though I am glad he will be out of the dangers of the war, I am not sure I want him back again, but I know I can't just leave him like that because he may have gone through so much there. At the same time I do not feel no intimacy for him anymore and do not know how he will react when I do not respond the way he expects.

Like most men he would not want to address the questions I have that are causing me distrust, fear and feelings of insecurity. He will think it's over and done but I can't function properly in this marriage if I feel so much distrust.

I know this is long but you would not be able to answer me properly if I did not mention certain key things.

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 9:54am
'but I know I can't just leave him like that because he may have gone through so much there.'

Then he needs to take responsibility and get help for his anger, addiction, post war anxiety etc. You can not stay with him because he went through a lot. Seems he wasn't supportive of you while you were going through a lot with the baby, right?

Think about what is best for your child and what she will learn growing up in this environment if he doesn't change. Maybe marriage counseling is an option. If he won't go, then that speaks volumnes about how invested in the marriage he is.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 12:10pm
Thanks for your response.

My sister told me that she was hearing something in my voice. This morning I spoke to my mom for a long time on everything and she said she also could hear something in my voice and when she said what it is she heard, I realize for the first time how very scared I am. What everyone is hearing in my voice is FEAR. I am so afraid of my future and what is going to happen. I finally sent him an email telling him that there are too many unanswered questions and too much hurt I am feeling and we need to talk about these things, IF we are going to be able to make this marriage work and we could do so with a counsellor. He has not responded to that email. I have not felt like eating for the past 2-3 weeks. I did not even realize that my legs have started shaking. I am so scared that he is going to take this all very badly. I am so scared that he has deep secrets about things he did in Korea that he will never tell me. Things that I have suspected but don't feel he will tell me the truth about and our marriage will just be a lie. And - maybe - these things will come back to haunt us in the future. I am afraid of HIM. I am afraid of 3 weeks or so from now when he comes home from Iraq. I am afraid of so much. I am afraid to stay but I am afraid to go. I am afraid of how this will all effect my baby girl. I was raised in a wonderful family and wanted the same or better for her. I have lost all trust in him and I am sure that I do not love him anymore. I feel like packing my bags and going before he gets here but like my girlfriend says he may fight me for her just because he could even if he really does not want her. I don't want her in a tug of war.

I feel like running away, and I would have been long gone if we didn't have this baby together.