Married, but unhappy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
Married, but unhappy
4
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 11:20am
I have been married for 5 years. We married right after college and he is perfect in every way - he is handsome, kind, loving, and incredibly intelligent. I love him, but for some reason I am very unhappy in our relationship. I feel that we married very young and the more men I meet the more I feel like I was cheated out of something - I could have been married to someone more fun, adventurous, and wealthy. My husband is a member of a very respected profession, but the men I have been meeting through my profession seem to exhibit so much more power, confidence, and wealth, and I find that really attractive. I know that I will stay with my husband forever (if it is my decision), but I want to be happy with him. I feel like every time I make friends with a new male friend I end up falling in love with him. Most recently, I fell in love with a male friend of mine with whom I spend a lot of time. It took all of my effort not to get physically involved with him, but I feel that emotionally I definitely did connect with him. The other thing is that I frequently think and fantasize about past relationships I had before my husband. I am not really sure what is wrong with me and why I am so unhappy with someone I love so much and who loves me so much. I am not sure if some of it may have to do with the fact that my parents are divorced and I am not sure what it really means to have a healthy relationship, but I really want to be happy with my husband forever. I truly love everything about him. Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 12:15pm

Welcome to the board ctjanegoddess,


The reason that you are becoming attracted to

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 12:34pm

Welcome to the board ctjanegoddess,


Well, my belief system is if you *think* you are missing something, then you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 5:33pm

There could actually be a physical reason that this is happening, too. When we "fall in love," there is a physical reaction in our bodies. There is actually a change in your brain that can be seen on an MRI and a chemical change that can be detected, as well. This physical change can last from a year to four years. It may be that your "falling in love" period lasted a long time. When your body went back to "normal," you were unprepared for how that would make you feel. The love that you have for your dh now is a "mature love," the kind that is meant to last a lifetime. It does, however, open you up to other things that weren't as apparent before, as you are seeing.

It is important to put your energy back into your marriage rather than into wondering why you are feeling this way, whether you should end your marriage, whether another one of these men would be more fun to be with, etc. Of course one of those other men would be fun to be with... for the same period of time as explained above. Then you would be right back where you are now. You are on a fast track to becoming someone you don't want to become, a spouse who cheats on her spouse or leaves her spouse in order to have "fun" with other men. That's why it's so important that you put your energy back into your marriage.

You have the ability to change your marriage if your dh is willing. Spend time together that you haven't been. Go for a walk in the park. Go to the local farmer's market together. Go on a picnic. Spend more time in bed together. Go to dinner together. Go our for drinks together. Have lunch together once in a while. Go somewhere for the weekend. Go on the vacation you've always talked about. I'm sure you get the idea. TALK. LAUGH. ENJOY.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 4:52pm
Thank you all so much. I feel so much better and will do everything possible to save my marriage. My husband is such a wonderful person and I am very lucky to have him. I am going to 'schedule' a lot of fun things for us to do. I think I have been spending way too much of my energy on my male friends, on feeling bad for myself because I am not sure what is going on in our marriage, when I should have been spending time with my husband.