Married to a widowed spouse
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Married to a widowed spouse
| Fri, 01-09-2004 - 5:04pm |
I am married to a wonderful man for over a year. We are very excited to be expecting our first child. My husband was engaged several years ago when his fiance' committed suicide 2 months later. He seldom talks about her or discusses what happened. We occassionally do things with her family, once or twice a year. I know he dated before he met me, but never seriously since his fiance' died. I am divorced from a 7 year marriage, neither of us have any children. Occassionally we talk about things I did during my previous marriage or what occupation my former husband was in or about his family, but we never discuss his fiance'. Since we occassionally see her family, I feel like I should know something about her. When we meet with her family, we never discuss her or even bring up her name. He will answer any of my questions if I ask, but I seldom ask because he never brings her up. Is it healthy for this just to be left in the past? Is this part of his way of moving on?

If it really bothers you, then maybe during a quiet time when you're just sitting around together some evening, you can bring up his former fiancée. Maybe you can say it in this way..."I'm not sure if it is too painful for you to discuss, but I'd like to know more about (her name). And then once we talk about her, we need never bring up the subject again, if that's what you want."
But I think great caution should be taken here. Keep in mind that those who have died sometimes take on a "sainted" image to those left behind - People tend to remember the positives and not the negatives, and then you may feel that you are trying somehow to compete with this "perfect" person, who was really not perfect in real life.
I know I have natural curiosity and might want to know too...but I think I'd let sleeping dogs lie. He loves YOU, he's married to YOU. What has passed IS the past.
Good luck with your forthcoming baby!