Married to young and living with regret
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Married to young and living with regret
| Thu, 10-18-2007 - 11:13am |
I have never posted anything like this but sometimes I feel like emotionally I am spinning out of control so I am hoping for some much needed advice and suggestions. I have always felt so different, in my marriage, socially, and with family & friends. Like I am living a lie of sorts and hiding something because I met my now husband at the age of 17 and he was 31. We began a relationship that he initiated when I was 17. He was my boss and hired me as a camp counselor. I was so very young and naive and looking back I think I needed the affection of an older man because I did not have a father that ever showed me any love. It was not sexual until I turned 18 and was out of high school. Approx a year after we began "dating" he told me that he had been married twice before and that he fathered a child out of wed lock with yet another woman. It was shocking to me but he treated me with kindness and respect and I THOUGHT I was in love. I was very innocent and naive and he was my only sexual experience. We got married two weeks after I turned 20. I worried from the beginning about the age difference so I felt pressured to start our family. We had three children in 5 years. I discovered very early on that he could not fulfill my needs as a woman or partner. There were so many SERIOUS issues that surfaced regularly regarding his past, things that I could simply not relate to or deal with. There was a total inability to relate to him because we were at completely different experience levels. Twenty six years later, I have such deep resentment and scars from feeling as if I have missed out on so many necessary experiences that make a human being feel whole. Of course there is so much more to this story. Years of hard work and struggle raising our children and the additional strain that places on a marriage. That is definitely one thing right though. Putting every ounce of time and love into 3 kids took its tole but we now reap the rewards. They are grounded, stable, successful, social, hardworking, independent and loving young adults. They never suspected my discontent. I guess I am a good actress. I am not in love with their father. I feel so let down by my parents when long ago they should have had he knowledge and insight to say no to me seeing him, (they allowed me to go to my senior prom with him for God's sake) What good parent encourages that sort of thing with their young daughter? And deep resentment toward him for not knowing better.
He robbed me of time, experience, independence and self esteem. I will never be able to happily share the story of how we met with our children. I am embarrassed and ashamed of so much of it. Now all these years later, I want to experience life on my terms before I get to be too old and I honestly feel in my heart that he owes me that. I want to know what it is like being with a man that I truly have feelings for, that I feel a connection and chemistry with.
I want to experience sex with another man. I want to be a little self centered, self indulgent. My husband goes overboard trying NOW because he realizes my discontent is real and warranted. I can't help how I feel despite his efforts to "FIX" this. The time is lost now and I just want some of the experiences so that I can feel like a normal human being. I am not a proponent of divorce. Our family has been so close. That doesn't end just because the kids grow up. It would devastate everyone. I can't be the cause of that. It would eat me alive. I just need some time to find my independence and grow. Again I feel he owes me that time. He had it but stole it from me. I am now working on my second professional career outside the home just about when he is ready to retire. Oh God! I don't view him the way I should. I am still a very vibrant, sexual, and attractive woman. Guys flirt with and stare at me and I can't help but like it. Something my husband was NEVER good at!! He is not a sexual person. HELP!!!!
He robbed me of time, experience, independence and self esteem. I will never be able to happily share the story of how we met with our children. I am embarrassed and ashamed of so much of it. Now all these years later, I want to experience life on my terms before I get to be too old and I honestly feel in my heart that he owes me that. I want to know what it is like being with a man that I truly have feelings for, that I feel a connection and chemistry with.
I want to experience sex with another man. I want to be a little self centered, self indulgent. My husband goes overboard trying NOW because he realizes my discontent is real and warranted. I can't help how I feel despite his efforts to "FIX" this. The time is lost now and I just want some of the experiences so that I can feel like a normal human being. I am not a proponent of divorce. Our family has been so close. That doesn't end just because the kids grow up. It would devastate everyone. I can't be the cause of that. It would eat me alive. I just need some time to find my independence and grow. Again I feel he owes me that time. He had it but stole it from me. I am now working on my second professional career outside the home just about when he is ready to retire. Oh God! I don't view him the way I should. I am still a very vibrant, sexual, and attractive woman. Guys flirt with and stare at me and I can't help but like it. Something my husband was NEVER good at!! He is not a sexual person. HELP!!!!

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Welcome to the board ashhrts81,
Where to start......
::I feel so let down by my parents when long ago they should have had he knowledge and insight to say no to me seeing him, (they allowed me to go to my senior prom with him for God's sake) What good parent encourages that sort of thing with their young daughter? And deep resentment toward him for not knowing better.
You feel what you feel.... I'm going to, as gently as possible, tell you a few things 1) if they would have said 'no', my guess is that you would have ignored them, rebelled against them and went anyway, even if you had to sneak out of the house, 2) ALL parents do the best they can in the moment, 3) you can blame them forever, or you can be an adult now and take responsibility for each and every one of your choices in life.
Welcome to the board ashhrts81,
I agree with everything the previous two posters have said.
I
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Thank you for your reply. It was very difficult for me to post so much personal information about my life.
I understand everything you are saying. It's very difficult when you feel as if you have lived your life
for everyone else and on everyone else's terms. It is only now that my husband is trying. He ignored the
fact that he even had a wife for nearly 20 of our 26 years of marriage and I can say without question that
I was MISERABLE being married to him, I even hated him at times. I carried all of the responsibility with house
family, his and mine, the kids and my job. We have had completely different goals and agendas for our life together.
We tend to make mistakes as young people if we are not guided properly or if we are raised in any type of abusive environment, both apply to me. Unfortunately marrying the wrong person and having children has life long consequences. I know that I overcompensated with my own children to make sure they were always properly guided and would make informed, mature decisions about their lives which they are.
Sex is a very important part of being married and he has had so many physical issues and well as erectile dysfunction that that fact alone has just fueled my curiosity. He will not discuss this and has always had a very hard time with anything remotely personal. He is very old school and gets very embarrassed. It's difficult for my heart and my head to feel sexually toward him. This I cannot help. I just want to have normal feeling toward my mate but do not want to devastate my family. This is obviously a no win situation.
I am sure counseling would be helpful. This message board was a starting point for me.
Of course I don't think he would give me permission to go out and cheat on him. Some couples find open marriages work for them or maybe even a trial separation. I'm just grasping here out of frustration. I have felt so alone over the years and I do accept SOME of the responsibility.
Thank you for taking the time to express your views. I truly appreciate the feedback. Words are so very powerful.
WE never know how another person's words might effect us, so thanks.
This post is going to sound very blunt, please bear with me.
You are only the victim of choices you willingly made. Throughout your post, I see no semblance of you taking responsibility for any your own decisions but rather you blame your husband for "robbing" you. You blame your parents for letting you grow up as the consequence of your own actions. Yet you have no blame for your own free will.
Seventeen year olds often make stupid choices, but at your age now, you have a lot of growing up to do. Stop blaming other people and playing the victim. No one "owes" you anything, including your husband, whom you consented to marry. You're not allowed to be in a marriage with someone and sleeping with other men, that's not how the concept of marriage works. You can't live the "selfish" life you want and continue to be an acceptable wife and mother. If you're really that unhappy, then divorce him and turn your family upside down, but until you recognize that you're lying in the bed YOU made, you will continue in a state of denial and you won't be able to change yourself. And I'm pretty sure you need to make some changes.
PLEASE get counseling, you have some tough decisions ahead of you and it would be best if you sought the help of a qualified professional to help you do the right thing for you and your family.
Hi ashhrts,
Your second post sounds more calm.
I understand that you feel victimized and perhaps at that age, you were. However you are an adult now and I'm not trying to make you feel badly at all, but I don't think you'll get anywhere until you lose the "innocent victim" mentality and start taking ownership of your actions. You're talking as though you're still seventeen and being "emotionally raped." I'm sorry for your experience but upsizing the drama in your past isn't going to help you get over it, it's going to keep you dwelling in it which is the last thing you need. Get out of your 17-year old head. Start by sincerely forgiving the people who have made decisions you didn't agree with. Accept your situation for what it is now, not how you got there; because that's something you can never change.
You can't expect to find inner peace about this by continuing to play the blame game and continuing to feel victimized by your own choices. It's clear that you need a professional to talk to but I hope you can start yourself on the right path by finding forgiveness toward people and things in your life.
You know what? You only live once.
You said you
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