Married to young and living with regret

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2007
Married to young and living with regret
37
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 11:13am
I have never posted anything like this but sometimes I feel like emotionally I am spinning out of control so I am hoping for some much needed advice and suggestions. I have always felt so different, in my marriage, socially, and with family & friends. Like I am living a lie of sorts and hiding something because I met my now husband at the age of 17 and he was 31. We began a relationship that he initiated when I was 17. He was my boss and hired me as a camp counselor. I was so very young and naive and looking back I think I needed the affection of an older man because I did not have a father that ever showed me any love. It was not sexual until I turned 18 and was out of high school. Approx a year after we began "dating" he told me that he had been married twice before and that he fathered a child out of wed lock with yet another woman. It was shocking to me but he treated me with kindness and respect and I THOUGHT I was in love. I was very innocent and naive and he was my only sexual experience. We got married two weeks after I turned 20. I worried from the beginning about the age difference so I felt pressured to start our family. We had three children in 5 years. I discovered very early on that he could not fulfill my needs as a woman or partner. There were so many SERIOUS issues that surfaced regularly regarding his past, things that I could simply not relate to or deal with. There was a total inability to relate to him because we were at completely different experience levels. Twenty six years later, I have such deep resentment and scars from feeling as if I have missed out on so many necessary experiences that make a human being feel whole. Of course there is so much more to this story. Years of hard work and struggle raising our children and the additional strain that places on a marriage. That is definitely one thing right though. Putting every ounce of time and love into 3 kids took its tole but we now reap the rewards. They are grounded, stable, successful, social, hardworking, independent and loving young adults. They never suspected my discontent. I guess I am a good actress. I am not in love with their father. I feel so let down by my parents when long ago they should have had he knowledge and insight to say no to me seeing him, (they allowed me to go to my senior prom with him for God's sake) What good parent encourages that sort of thing with their young daughter? And deep resentment toward him for not knowing better.
He robbed me of time, experience, independence and self esteem. I will never be able to happily share the story of how we met with our children. I am embarrassed and ashamed of so much of it. Now all these years later, I want to experience life on my terms before I get to be too old and I honestly feel in my heart that he owes me that. I want to know what it is like being with a man that I truly have feelings for, that I feel a connection and chemistry with.
I want to experience sex with another man. I want to be a little self centered, self indulgent. My husband goes overboard trying NOW because he realizes my discontent is real and warranted. I can't help how I feel despite his efforts to "FIX" this. The time is lost now and I just want some of the experiences so that I can feel like a normal human being. I am not a proponent of divorce. Our family has been so close. That doesn't end just because the kids grow up. It would devastate everyone. I can't be the cause of that. It would eat me alive. I just need some time to find my independence and grow. Again I feel he owes me that time. He had it but stole it from me. I am now working on my second professional career outside the home just about when he is ready to retire. Oh God! I don't view him the way I should. I am still a very vibrant, sexual, and attractive woman. Guys flirt with and stare at me and I can't help but like it. Something my husband was NEVER good at!! He is not a sexual person. HELP!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2007
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 9:16am

Thank you, it seems as though you actually have some understanding of my situation.
I am making some positive changes in my life and TRYING to accept some of the things I cannot change.
Unfortunately I cannot force my heart to be in love with him.
So there will always be feelings of hopelessness in that regard.

To those young ones thinking of marriage:
Take time to know yourself first. What's the rush?
Be strong and confident in who you are and what you want from life.
Marriage is difficult, marriage with children more difficult, marriage to the wrong person with children the MOST difficult thing EVER!!!

Divorce is so prevalent. Take marriage and having children seriously! Parenthood can be rewarding and wonderful but it also changes your life forever........ and divorce will changes theirs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 9:36am

Whilst I also agree that one must accept the choices they make in life, I will concur with you that your parents let you down very badly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2007
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 9:55am

Yes, you did the math right!! And amazing........you GET IT!!
We have very little in common but the love and well being of our children.
He forced his lifestyle down my throat and I always kept the peace for the sake of the family and went along with it living our life together.......HIS WAY all the while feeling miserable, alone and cheated inside. A choice I made in an attempt to do the right thing for our kids. Divorce has lifelong consequences on them. This I took seriously so I sacrificed my own happiness. I hit an all time low a few years ago and if I had posted then and received some of these replies, I don't know if I could have handled it.

You're right, life is too short. No one has the right to alter someone else's well being. Despite his great attempts at this late stage of the game to fix things, I cannot change how I feel. He honestly is a good person
who just couldn't see his ways until recently. He pours it all on so heavy now realizing now all the pain and scars are very real but it has little affect on me other than I question why this experienced man couldn't do or see all of this years ago. It makes me angry that I had to get to a point of utter desperation before he would try. I tend to not give up on people and I had a job to do with our children who are amazing human beings. It becomes even more difficult when you see yourself in your children and they are out living what life should be for people their age.

Thank you for your post. I sincerely appreciate your views. One day at a time.

Oh, and BTW in response to that one post, I do not have the mentality nor the mindset of a 17 year old and by no means would I want to go back to that age. We should always try to put ourselves in the shoes of others and not judge too harshly. Afterall 26 years of marriage to an older man can certainly not be condensed to a few posts on a message board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 10:10am
I didn't mean to imply that you've got the mindset or mentality of a 17 year old. What I meant was that you're dwelling in the past, and that's understandable... But in order to move forward you're eventually going to have to let the hurt, scared, taken-advantage-of 17 year old self go! That's not who you are now, you're stronger than that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 10:50am

I have to say that personally in my opinion, any 30 yr old man that wants to seriously date a 17 yr old girl has something wrong with him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 11:00am
Absolutely agree. Even the world's most mature 17 y old and the most chid-like 30 y old will have absolutely no common ground or basis on which to build a r-ship. The younger person
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Sat, 10-20-2007 - 9:25am

Are you willing to give him the same freedom?

It is not enough to have a good mind.  The main thing is to use it well.-- Rene Descartes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Sat, 10-20-2007 - 10:30am
Also there is a great liklihood that the 19 year old will continue to mature while the 30 yo is probably as mature as they're going to be.

It is not enough to have a good mind.  The main thing is to use it well.-- Rene Descartes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2007
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 10:35am
Yes, I would certainly be willing to give him the same freedom. But in case you missed the part about how old school and hung up he is about sex, that would never work. This, one of the huge differences between us and one that will never be overcome especially with the health issues he has suffered from. Unfortunately, there is no cut and dry solution to this situation. I would break the hearts of my children. I feel they would never understand the reasons and I would end up justifying my actions which would hurt everyone even more. Unfortunately we cannot force our heart to feel chemistry where there is none. I have tried over and over, and have forgiven MUCH. He is trying now too but I can't just magically turn on romantic feelings when so much has been lacking. We are companions for the sake of our family. As a loving, giving human being who has sacrificed so much for her family, I cannot turn around now and destroy a family unit. That to me is not a choice at least not now. I am emotionally scarred from being his wife for so many reasons. I am not in love with him. This I cannot help. Maybe, at least if there was physical and emotional chemistry between us, the age difference, the other serious issues, and my age (17) when we started "dating", would not feel so insurmountable. My heart and my head are never at peace. It's a daily emotional battle that I wish I could overcome. Thank you for your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2007
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 11:07am
Thank you, EXACTLY my point. We all need time to mature and grow into our own so we can make informed decisions about our life and not feel controlled by someone who we feel is so "worldly" with a "he must know everything" mentallity. It's very unhealthy feeling as though you are always on a completely different playing field.
I am scarred for life because of this "relationship"!! I have been extremely insecure. I am embarrassed about the age difference and how old I was when I met him. We NEVER discuss our age in front of the kids. It's like a big secret all the time. I am extremely sensitive and protective about personal information in every social setting so as not to feel judged by my peers because they as well as our children unknowingly make comments and judge people in similar situations. The kids are innocent of it all. I have protected them from any potential hurt and have only cried behind closed doors. Oh and BTW, it's a 14 year difference. A HUGE difference when you are 17..........not as extreme or drastic if you are 25 or 30 going into it, as you have experience behind you. This is not rocket science!!