Married to young and living with regret
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Married to young and living with regret
| Thu, 10-18-2007 - 11:13am |
I have never posted anything like this but sometimes I feel like emotionally I am spinning out of control so I am hoping for some much needed advice and suggestions. I have always felt so different, in my marriage, socially, and with family & friends. Like I am living a lie of sorts and hiding something because I met my now husband at the age of 17 and he was 31. We began a relationship that he initiated when I was 17. He was my boss and hired me as a camp counselor. I was so very young and naive and looking back I think I needed the affection of an older man because I did not have a father that ever showed me any love. It was not sexual until I turned 18 and was out of high school. Approx a year after we began "dating" he told me that he had been married twice before and that he fathered a child out of wed lock with yet another woman. It was shocking to me but he treated me with kindness and respect and I THOUGHT I was in love. I was very innocent and naive and he was my only sexual experience. We got married two weeks after I turned 20. I worried from the beginning about the age difference so I felt pressured to start our family. We had three children in 5 years. I discovered very early on that he could not fulfill my needs as a woman or partner. There were so many SERIOUS issues that surfaced regularly regarding his past, things that I could simply not relate to or deal with. There was a total inability to relate to him because we were at completely different experience levels. Twenty six years later, I have such deep resentment and scars from feeling as if I have missed out on so many necessary experiences that make a human being feel whole. Of course there is so much more to this story. Years of hard work and struggle raising our children and the additional strain that places on a marriage. That is definitely one thing right though. Putting every ounce of time and love into 3 kids took its tole but we now reap the rewards. They are grounded, stable, successful, social, hardworking, independent and loving young adults. They never suspected my discontent. I guess I am a good actress. I am not in love with their father. I feel so let down by my parents when long ago they should have had he knowledge and insight to say no to me seeing him, (they allowed me to go to my senior prom with him for God's sake) What good parent encourages that sort of thing with their young daughter? And deep resentment toward him for not knowing better.
He robbed me of time, experience, independence and self esteem. I will never be able to happily share the story of how we met with our children. I am embarrassed and ashamed of so much of it. Now all these years later, I want to experience life on my terms before I get to be too old and I honestly feel in my heart that he owes me that. I want to know what it is like being with a man that I truly have feelings for, that I feel a connection and chemistry with.
I want to experience sex with another man. I want to be a little self centered, self indulgent. My husband goes overboard trying NOW because he realizes my discontent is real and warranted. I can't help how I feel despite his efforts to "FIX" this. The time is lost now and I just want some of the experiences so that I can feel like a normal human being. I am not a proponent of divorce. Our family has been so close. That doesn't end just because the kids grow up. It would devastate everyone. I can't be the cause of that. It would eat me alive. I just need some time to find my independence and grow. Again I feel he owes me that time. He had it but stole it from me. I am now working on my second professional career outside the home just about when he is ready to retire. Oh God! I don't view him the way I should. I am still a very vibrant, sexual, and attractive woman. Guys flirt with and stare at me and I can't help but like it. Something my husband was NEVER good at!! He is not a sexual person. HELP!!!!
He robbed me of time, experience, independence and self esteem. I will never be able to happily share the story of how we met with our children. I am embarrassed and ashamed of so much of it. Now all these years later, I want to experience life on my terms before I get to be too old and I honestly feel in my heart that he owes me that. I want to know what it is like being with a man that I truly have feelings for, that I feel a connection and chemistry with.
I want to experience sex with another man. I want to be a little self centered, self indulgent. My husband goes overboard trying NOW because he realizes my discontent is real and warranted. I can't help how I feel despite his efforts to "FIX" this. The time is lost now and I just want some of the experiences so that I can feel like a normal human being. I am not a proponent of divorce. Our family has been so close. That doesn't end just because the kids grow up. It would devastate everyone. I can't be the cause of that. It would eat me alive. I just need some time to find my independence and grow. Again I feel he owes me that time. He had it but stole it from me. I am now working on my second professional career outside the home just about when he is ready to retire. Oh God! I don't view him the way I should. I am still a very vibrant, sexual, and attractive woman. Guys flirt with and stare at me and I can't help but like it. Something my husband was NEVER good at!! He is not a sexual person. HELP!!!!

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Then I guess you have to decide whose hearts to break.
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.-- Rene Descartes
You are indeed wise..........all things I have thought about and given serious consideration too,
which is why I have stayed and kept the peace and harmony.............. for them.
It helps to vent.
Thank you for your posts!
Moving on.................
"PS. You might want to wait a couple of years.
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.-- Rene Descartes
Interesting.
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.-- Rene Descartes
You do need to find something for you.
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.-- Rene Descartes
Z
Thanks zlibby76 and welcome to the board.....
Of course all that was written before she shared more of her story, so don't put me on a pedestal.
'..I have a friend who left her dh for another man.
It took me a long time to get the courage to post my personal story on this board and I have to say thank you to you all for your AMAZING words, advice and wisdom. If nothing else changes, at least now I don't feel so alone with this daily internal struggle.
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