Married to young and living with regret
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Married to young and living with regret
| Thu, 10-18-2007 - 11:13am |
I have never posted anything like this but sometimes I feel like emotionally I am spinning out of control so I am hoping for some much needed advice and suggestions. I have always felt so different, in my marriage, socially, and with family & friends. Like I am living a lie of sorts and hiding something because I met my now husband at the age of 17 and he was 31. We began a relationship that he initiated when I was 17. He was my boss and hired me as a camp counselor. I was so very young and naive and looking back I think I needed the affection of an older man because I did not have a father that ever showed me any love. It was not sexual until I turned 18 and was out of high school. Approx a year after we began "dating" he told me that he had been married twice before and that he fathered a child out of wed lock with yet another woman. It was shocking to me but he treated me with kindness and respect and I THOUGHT I was in love. I was very innocent and naive and he was my only sexual experience. We got married two weeks after I turned 20. I worried from the beginning about the age difference so I felt pressured to start our family. We had three children in 5 years. I discovered very early on that he could not fulfill my needs as a woman or partner. There were so many SERIOUS issues that surfaced regularly regarding his past, things that I could simply not relate to or deal with. There was a total inability to relate to him because we were at completely different experience levels. Twenty six years later, I have such deep resentment and scars from feeling as if I have missed out on so many necessary experiences that make a human being feel whole. Of course there is so much more to this story. Years of hard work and struggle raising our children and the additional strain that places on a marriage. That is definitely one thing right though. Putting every ounce of time and love into 3 kids took its tole but we now reap the rewards. They are grounded, stable, successful, social, hardworking, independent and loving young adults. They never suspected my discontent. I guess I am a good actress. I am not in love with their father. I feel so let down by my parents when long ago they should have had he knowledge and insight to say no to me seeing him, (they allowed me to go to my senior prom with him for God's sake) What good parent encourages that sort of thing with their young daughter? And deep resentment toward him for not knowing better.
He robbed me of time, experience, independence and self esteem. I will never be able to happily share the story of how we met with our children. I am embarrassed and ashamed of so much of it. Now all these years later, I want to experience life on my terms before I get to be too old and I honestly feel in my heart that he owes me that. I want to know what it is like being with a man that I truly have feelings for, that I feel a connection and chemistry with.
I want to experience sex with another man. I want to be a little self centered, self indulgent. My husband goes overboard trying NOW because he realizes my discontent is real and warranted. I can't help how I feel despite his efforts to "FIX" this. The time is lost now and I just want some of the experiences so that I can feel like a normal human being. I am not a proponent of divorce. Our family has been so close. That doesn't end just because the kids grow up. It would devastate everyone. I can't be the cause of that. It would eat me alive. I just need some time to find my independence and grow. Again I feel he owes me that time. He had it but stole it from me. I am now working on my second professional career outside the home just about when he is ready to retire. Oh God! I don't view him the way I should. I am still a very vibrant, sexual, and attractive woman. Guys flirt with and stare at me and I can't help but like it. Something my husband was NEVER good at!! He is not a sexual person. HELP!!!!
He robbed me of time, experience, independence and self esteem. I will never be able to happily share the story of how we met with our children. I am embarrassed and ashamed of so much of it. Now all these years later, I want to experience life on my terms before I get to be too old and I honestly feel in my heart that he owes me that. I want to know what it is like being with a man that I truly have feelings for, that I feel a connection and chemistry with.
I want to experience sex with another man. I want to be a little self centered, self indulgent. My husband goes overboard trying NOW because he realizes my discontent is real and warranted. I can't help how I feel despite his efforts to "FIX" this. The time is lost now and I just want some of the experiences so that I can feel like a normal human being. I am not a proponent of divorce. Our family has been so close. That doesn't end just because the kids grow up. It would devastate everyone. I can't be the cause of that. It would eat me alive. I just need some time to find my independence and grow. Again I feel he owes me that time. He had it but stole it from me. I am now working on my second professional career outside the home just about when he is ready to retire. Oh God! I don't view him the way I should. I am still a very vibrant, sexual, and attractive woman. Guys flirt with and stare at me and I can't help but like it. Something my husband was NEVER good at!! He is not a sexual person. HELP!!!!

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Please forgive my sarcasm, but it seems I don't have much to look forward to. Your comment about it becoming worse as we get older and the likelihood of facing a long widowhood. Not the most reassuring thoughts and believe me I think of that often. It certainly does not help the situation as to how I view him since we are so different anyway. Not only are we never in the same season but we are rarely ever on the same planet.
P.S. No offense but I hope I never want an AARP membership! (lol)
I didn't want the AARP membership either but, hey, you gotta take whatever perks you can get, lol.
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.-- Rene Descartes
I do understand the desire to grab some of life while you still can.
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.-- Rene Descartes
Yes there is history and yes there are photographs with smiling faces but if you look closely to MY eyes in those pictures, there was much pain in them. I hid it well. This post is a long one but very therapeutic for me so thank you for indulging me this time and space. Being young is the reason for the misguided mistake even though the consequences have been the same. When you feel so abnormal as a couple, as if you have nothing in common with your spouse or your peers, that you never see eye to eye, that his eyes don't even see you, or ears don't hear, etc., it becomes difficult not to focus on the differences in experience as well as the age. Maybe it's just, we are very different people period.
A little background about our life as a married couple. From very early on when couples should be exploring each other sexually, excited about each other, playful, flirty........all of these things.......he never was. Doesn't every woman want to feel desirable & sexy by her mate. He didn't understand any of that. We did not have chemistry that way. He was uncomfortable with my teasing and sexual innuendo. I became frustrated very early on that we did not click this way, knowing something was drastically missing. He never made me feel like a sexual being. The act itself lackluster. And I admit to having the skeletons from HIS closet in my head. Keep in mind, he being my only lover and I was EXTREMELY naive!!!!! I could not get past the idea of his previous marriages, the fact that he fathered a child with another woman AND his other rendezvous. I was somewhat insecure.
To prove how an emotionally abusive household and lack of guidance from your parents will alter your judgment..........why was I attracted to a man so much older in the first place? Why did I marry someone I didn't have a true connection with? Why did I have three children with this man? I questioned none of it at the time. I "thought" I was in love. I had no idea what love even was. I wasn't shown it from my father. Me and my siblings were a bother to him. He abandoned us and our mom on multiple occasions growing up. We never knew where he was or if he would return and when he did he would take it out on us. This shakes a child's sense of security. Why I wasn't sleeping around in high school to make up for that, I don't know.
Jumping ahead, the age difference and my own self imposed pressure to have children right away was not good. I needed time to develop in many areas of my life. Doesn't every young person?? He had that chance. I was wife # 3, an idea that still to this day bothers me greatly!! I was not ready to have children but took the responsibility of that VERY seriously.
I will speak briefly on how he made me feel very ignorant at times. He would stand behind me and correct or "make suggestions" on many of the things I did. He felt I needed to be taught these things apparently. We fought about this constantly as well as how he would interrupt me in social settings and felt the need to speak for me. He stole my voice and my self esteem. It ate me up inside that he continued to do this and that he could not see his ways being harmful to me.
We both worked full time but my work was from home. People mistakenly think that when you are home you are sitting around eating bonbons! This could not have been further from the truth. Our children came one by one. He slept through so much of the most difficult parts and was oblivious to my struggles. I felt he was never there for me and he let me down time and time again. Although he did help me with my work when I needed it from time to time. He would go on weekend fishing trips with friends despite my discontent. His job ended at 4 pm each day, mine was 24/7. Our youngest had major sleep disturbances and I was up with her 5 times every night for an entire year. Throw in, all the childhood illnesses, trips to the doctor, three rounds of chicken pox, teacher conferences, volunteering, field trips, fund raising, on and on and on.............All the while, I did ALL of the housework, all of the family events for his and my side, all of the shopping & cooking for every holiday, kids b-day parties, all of the cooking, laundry, etc, etc, etc. AND ran a small business. He played with the kids but I was out of THAT loop because I had chores to do. No matter how many fights we had about these issues, it changed nothing. I was the dutiful little wife and mother being a superhero of sorts, being everywhere and everything for everyone everyday for 20 years. I was somewhat of a perfectionist during it all so I put 100% of my energy into everything. To say it drained me is a major understatement.
I would find him asleep on the couch time and time again. When I was ready to plunk down after a long day, he had the remote in hand, and was sprawled out on the couch. I was not offered a place to sit. And if he was sleeping through yet another BORING educational show on cable and I took the remote to find a bit of comic relief, he would suddenly wake and snap back, "I'm watching that." I felt I had no rights.........not to mention, no support. The only thing that brought him to life was his yearly big family vacation, that drained our budget preventing us from getting ahead. He would not negotiate this. He didn't care how I felt. Again I had no voice and to keep the peace with the family, I felt I had no choice. The small house we lived in and still do to this day was one that HE bought before I ever met him. Don't most couples want to share in that experience too. Buying a home together or at least upgrading to something bigger and nicer for their family. Working toward that goal as a couple. This was NEVER a priority for him, his was his family vacation each year. And if anything was to alter that plan he would not take part in it. We received a rather large inheritance 10 years into our marriage and still this did not motivate him as the provider to try and upgrade his families lifestyle and improve life for all of us in general. This continues to be a major source of conflict between us because our goals and desires have been so totally different. He said that if moving changed our.........um HIS lifestyle, i.e., his big expensive trips, that he did not want to do it. I simply wanted a compromise. Take a big trip every other year. Doing something a little less expensive once in a while. Working toward improving our lifestyle as a couple together. This involves sacrifice at times, something I was willing to do. I scrimped and saved and did without, trying desperately to achieve that goal but I was the only one EVER trying. It just was not important to him.
•Whenever we would go out either alone or together he brought something to read as I drove and he would get annoyed with me if I interrupted him. I felt so alone with him right beside me.
I was invisible to him. I could not believe how he could continuously be so inattentive toward me and not realize how it affected me. He was never very insightful. We would get to our destination and he would get out of the car and walk away while I fiddled with the kids, their things, locking up the car, etc.
•The kids' after school activities were very draining on top of everything else. It involved much of my time and put some financial strain on our budget. I think sometimes he thought we had unlimited resources. Nothing altered his wants, trips, eating out, buying new things. We do not and have not lived lavishly but our needs are all met and we did do some major home improvements. Our kids appreciate what they have and work hard to earn things. They were not spoiled by material things. But something we did agree on was that we wanted them to experience these things and gain, confidence and independence all while keeping the focused on positive things.
They were a great source of entertainment for us, and something now that we both miss.
•He would never see conflict. Any issues with the kids/teenagers would be my responsibility to handle. I felt like the bad guy so many times and unsupported. Every unpleasant situation, was mine and mine alone to figure out. He walked through life with blinders on. He didn't notice or pay attention. It was hurtful to feel like I was in this alone. He would listen to me vent and be supportive that way but not get involved otherwise. He did not like confrontation of any kind. It was my job solely to make them accountable for their actions whatever that was. I think this above all else hurt me the most because I felt it damaged my relationship with my oldest daughter for a time and he never cared enough to step in and help her to understand how unfairly she was treating me. She had him on a pedestal, there was never any conflict between them because he didn't notice what was going on half the time. Thankfully we got through all of it and have a great relationship. But oh what a headstrong teenager can do to a parent. Don't get me wrong, never was it about boys, or drugs, curfews, etc. It was a terrible feeling she gave me when I tried to guide her rather than leave her alone like her dad did. I knew that my own upbringing was partially to blame for my protectiveness at times and I felt very judged. I was never able to explain my reasons or that my own parents let me down. That I feel/felt it was a huge mistake getting involved with an older man when I was 17 and then marrying him.
•The extended family dynamic. His family was "perfect" if there is such a thing, and live a few hours away, mine, not so perfect, and there were many conflicts there. They live in the same city. I was constantly feeling as if I was different in that regard too and that some of my issues of unhappiness were because of the type of upbringing I had.
So in my mind I was made to feel, perfect upbringing=perfect person,
not so perfect upbringing=unstable person. This made me even more insecure.
Through it all, I have been patient, understanding, driven with regards to my children, wanting to raise strong, independent people. I accomplished that goal. I made the choice to stay so they would be well adjusted, happy, and emotionally stable individuals. I know the pain and torment of not being that..........and I would not be responsible in any way for contributing to that.
He finally saw the light after our oldest daughter left for college. I am a bit resentful that NOW, now that the load has lessened he is mister homemaker, shopping and cooking and doing some of the laundry. Trying to support me in anyway that he can with my second career. I will never understand why he couldn't do or see that long ago. It would have spared me SO much anguish. Now I deal with the scars of it all and still feeling like I missed out on love.
He is a good person with a good heart and he has been very supportive of some major family issues. We have both lost in recent years, my best friend and mother to cancer, he lost his mother and then sister to cancer. We have been there for each other and yes we do share history that is a fact. I don't give up on people. Unfortunately, much of the history is filled with painful memories. I have worked to let some of that go and time aids with that goal.
There is much to be thankful for and I appreciate his efforts now. From outside appearances we have a happy home and family. It's my own internal struggle. I am not and will never be in love with him. This continues to sadden my heart. I fear I will never know true love.
Thank you for taking the time to care.
Forgive me for being blunt but why did you stay in this marriage this long if you were so unhappy?
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.-- Rene Descartes
You stated it best, my youth kept me in it early on and the kids up until this point. And there is no "love of my life" waiting in the wings. You sound like a pretty amazing person. I can't help but wonder why you don't place more responsibility on our parents. I was 17 and still needed guidance. Thankfully, I was there to council, guide and talk about any and all issues with my kids as they grew to ensure they would make WISE, informed decisions about their life. Isn't that what a good parent should do? Me and my siblings have all faced difficulties in our lives. A parents role is a vital component in raising healthy, happy, smart individuals.
I don't believe I ever suggested that I wanted to leave him, just seek some adventure on my own to feel healthier emotionally. You have been great about the details but somehow overlooked that I HAVE worked throughout our entire marriage. There were a few points along the way when I was not, but overall I worked TWO jobs and then some.................my paying job and then the mom job. A year ago I went back to school and am now licensed in a respected field and am just looking for the right fit as far as a job. You have indeed given me a lot to think about and again I appreciate your input. There are positives, I need to focus on those. We have an amazing family and when we are all together it's magic. That is not something I could EVER just walk away from. The kids growing up and leaving for college one by one has certainly contributed to some of these feelings. They were the main focus of my life. I redirected that energy by going back to school and starting over with a new career that takes me out of the house vs. my home based business which allowed me to be hands on when they were young.
I think you are right though, my husband went for a younger mate, since he struck out twice with two older ones. And I WAS VERY young and naive!!! Any relationship takes work and there are no guarantees, this I know. The problems I feel I have now would probably not compare to the whole new set of problems I would gain. I am not one to make any sort of hasty or rash decision, especially one that affects others. There is good between us.........this is what I will focus on. He is willing to do ANYTHING within his control to make me happy. He is a good man and an amazing father. And this in a way has served as my counseling. I needed to hear some of it. The "bitterness" is fading. It's difficult holding onto that. I am the type that takes pleasure in the little things in life and don't need a lot of grandeur. Thank you and the best of luck to you and your family.
I don't place responsibility on my parents because it doesn't belong there.
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.-- Rene Descartes
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