To marry or not to marry? HELP!
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| Tue, 03-30-2004 - 4:40pm |
So my boyfriend took the email in a TOTALLY wrong way. In his mind I said, I would never marry him, I was going to marry my best friend, and my boyfriend is not on my level. Well in the email I did say something about marrying my best friend in the future, but it's based off of an inside joke that we've had since before my boyfriend and I even knew each other. Basically I was really depressed one night from getting my heart broken, so my best friend said "don't worry! Someone will sweep you off your feet, if not let's make a pact that if neither one of us are married by the time we're 30, we should get married." It was a joke!!! An inside joke at that.
So the point is my boyfriend should not have read that email...it was NEVER meant for his eyes and the majority of what I was saying was me venting feelings and emotions because I was angry. I was angry becuase he had told me a few days before that that he thought he might want to move out on his own when the lease is up. he always says that when we get into an argument! Then when everything is all good, he wants to stay together.
So after the last few days I have had to really think about if I want this relationship. after a lot of being honest with myself I realized that I can, to my own suprise, definitely see myself married to him if he could just get motivated to ensure that we would have a secure future together. We don't have to be rich, but secure. I also want to be able to be a stay at home mom for my future children's first 18 months of life. I've been speaking to his mom and she is completely supportive of both of us and says that we both need to do some changing. I need to concentrate on help boosting his confidence, and he needs to do soemthing to become a man of the house. I have a Bachelor's degree, a full time job, a part time job teaching, in school part time to work on another degree, and I am currently working on my insurance license. He on the other has had no formal training, education, or much experience. since we've been together he's always worked in the mail room. They do pay him pretty well considering, but you can't raise a family off of a mail room salary. It's not even the money that matters so much to me, it's been his lack of motivation to better himself. Sure it's ok when he was 23, but you have to grow up and become a responsible adult. His mom completely agrees and is frustrated that all he wants to do is do the bare minimum and play video games.
But like I said not too long ago, he and I were talking about his 25th birthday coming up and he seemed to feel the pressure that he has to start doing something to secure his future. So that gives me hope. I want to sit down and talk about marriage and the future with him and see what happens. I am just so confused about the way my thinking is. Everyone says that you'll "just know" when he is "the one". Well most of me feels he is the one, but the parts of me that haven't are based off of things that he can change......his motivation to better himself, quit smoking, stop dressing getto/sloppy. I mean I will not try to change him, and I wouldn't expect that overnight....but I just want to make sure it doesn't seem shallow....I feel so shallow.

Your words: I told him that my best guy friend and I decided that we would move in together if my boyfriend and I don't work out.
That means you made a contingecy plan, which translates to not being fully committed to the relationship you are in.
::I also said my boyfriend is sorta getto and lacks motivation.
Now insulting is that? Sorry, if I thought this about my boyfriend, I would never share it with anyone.
::Well in the email I did say something about marrying my best friend in the future, but it's based off of an inside joke that we've had since before my boyfriend and I even knew each other. Basically I was really depressed one night from getting my heart broken, so my best friend said "don't worry! Someone will sweep you off your feet, if not let's make a pact that if neither one of us are married by the time we're 30, we should get married." It was a joke!!! An inside joke at that.
So basically, you are still sharing intimately with another man besides your boyfriend.
::So the point is my boyfriend should not have read that email...it was NEVER meant for his eyes and the majority of what I was saying was me venting feelings and emotions because I was angry.
Most people will read what's right before them. Human nature. Sure he shouldn't have but he already has and now you have to deal with it.
Everyone wants security. If he's moving more towards his own future security it will reflect in your relationship. But how are you going to tell him you see 'marrying him' when he isn't even speaking to you?
Carrie