marrying a depressed man

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
marrying a depressed man
5
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 2:25pm
How do you marry someone who is mentally depressed? My fiance is so unhappy with his life, and his mood swings are so erratic. One day he will be Mr. Wonderful, and the next day he will not even want to be around me. When we first met we had such a great time together. Since then, he has quit drinking (he was alcoholic), become addicted to exercise, yet has become so emotionally depressed that he never wants to do anything anymore. He is embarrased easily by any attention in public. He is angry a lot. What sort of steps should I take to save this relationship? He admits that he is depressed, unhappy and angry, but has no faith in counseling or medication.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 4:10pm
He has no faith in counseling or medication.... hmmm, so basically he's unwilling to try anything because the depression has him stuck OR he likes what he's feeling and is unwilling to make a change?

Then the ball is in your court.... you either stick it out with no hope for a change OR you tell him - I'm unable to get married to you as long as things remain this way, so I'm asking that you push through your fears and reservations and go to counseling with me. If he won't, then you will have to decide whether to stay or go.

Reading material that may or may not help:

When Someone You Love Is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself, Laura Epstein Rosen

The Pain Behind the Mask: Overcoming Masculine Depression, John Lynch


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 2:25pm
Mary...

It's just a man's point of view, but for some of us who have faced A LOT OF SETBACKS IN LIFE...it's hard to do a 180-degree turnaround and suddenly be optomistic about everything! Pianoguy won't share "his war stories" with you, but some of 'em are pretty terrible.

What YOU really need to do is ask yourself if you can honestly handle the mood swings, the highs and lows, and various other quirks your b/f has and will continue to put you through? Love might conquer all obstacles, but even the most understanding people don't want to go through the "I hate my life" scenerio from a people they love.

Have you considered giving your man 30-days of space? It might be enough time for him to take a good look at himself, his life, and the fact that he's got to come to terms with himself...before he can let anybody (including yourself) into his life.

Pianoguy

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 7:03pm
How do you marry someone who is mentally depressed?

I wouldn't. Unless he was seeking treatment and the treatment was working. Then I might consider it. Otherwise, no way.

My dad is bi-polar, manic depressive and let me tell you, it was no picnic growing up with him. He is now being treated and is doing pretty well, but it has been a LONG road. In the process, we went through a lot.

If your BF refuses treatment, then there isn't a darn thing you can do for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 12:26pm

I did exactly what you are considering doing - i married the depressed man, the man who wouldn't go to a phsychiatrist

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:32pm
Depression is debilitating to the person affected. It's also unrewarding and baffling for their loved ones. It seems clear only he can really help himself. If he's interested in that, I know of a website that may be of some help: http://www.process-healing.com/page1.htm#1. I've recommended it before but I never really explained it. It's quite long, about ten pages. However, the doctor put it out there for free to help people and it's helped me



Basically, he shows how a person can experience a trauma but keep it out of their conscious awareness. However, even though they may not remember it, reminders of it can evoke the emotions they originally felt when the trauma took place, without their having a clue as to why they feel the way they do. The reminders can be very general, such as a loud noise, etc.

He asks people to pick something that causes them some anxiety, such as public speaking, that scores about a 7-8 on an anxiety scale of 1-10. (First he tells them to ask their subconscious if that issue is o.k. for them to work through. If not, pick another. I explain more in the next paragraph.) Then he says to just think through it, issue by issue, until you're o.k. with it, relaxed, happy, even. It really works!

First, however, you should ask yourself if that one's o.k. to work through by asking the subconscious (some fears are too intense to work through at certain times). He says the subconscious is language developement/speach. It records information/describes events but doesn't feel them. You can get in touch with that aspect of yourself by asking for sensations in your fingers representing answers for yes, no, maybe and not sure. He has other methods, also.

Of course, he explains it better, but once you've worked through an anxiety consciously, you can then ask your subconscious if it's o.k. for it to work through other anxieties, fears, apprehensions, etc. without your even having think about them. To paraphrase, he says to ask the subconscious to bring-up the issues with each problem, tag/identify them, put them to sleep then bring them up one by one and resolve each. All this without your even having to think about it. Basically, it takes the pain, fear, anxiety, anger, etc., out of whatever's bothering one. And it allows the conscious to know what the unconscious knows and vice versa, but without the pain. Anyone can practice this whenever something bothers them. It allows one to use all their abilities in the here and now, instead of being distracted by irrelevant past issues.

I only share this because I had problems so big I thought I'd NEVER get through them. Problems with major depression, also. In a matter of weeks, after a lifetime of despair, I actually feel GOOD. And it's not just a quick fix, a hysterical reaction. I feel calm and relaxed. I could never say that before.

I really hope this helps him. It sounds like you really love him, but if he continues in his depression, like a person who's drowning, he'll probably only pull you down with him. It sounds like he's down a long ways. Counseling may help, with a competent therapist. I admire your willingness to bear with him. I agree with him about the medication. I've read about the side effects of many of the drugs and many of them are serious and permanent. I've even read about people committing suicide six weeks after starting an anti-depressant, when the drug was supposed to kick-in. Basically, from what I've read, they just block communication within the brain. How much better it would be to just IMPROVE communication within the brain.

I hope he gets better and you two have a happy life together. Best Wishes!