Marrying a man w/teenage daughter
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| Mon, 05-17-2004 - 5:13pm |
I get along fine with the youngest boy, who is very sweet and is still a bit of a child. The oldest boy is in college and is almost out on his own. But I sense a potential problem with the daughter, who looks and acts like a college girl. Since I have no kids, it's particulary hard for me to "tell" when she is being manipulative. So far, my focus has been on my relationship with Tom. I've spent some time around his children (at dinners, etc.) but not a lot of time. I'm starting to notice that now and then, the daughter annoys me, and I am reacting to subtle things she does.
For example, there are times when she demands Tom's attention, in effect, "pulling him away from me". And not for anything that's all that important, it seems to me. This doesn't happen often, but I'm noticing it more and more and I'm wondering how "intentional" it is. I am NOT going to get involved in a power struggle with this girl, but I wonder if that's what she's trying to do.
Tom and I have talked about getting married and the understanding is we will within a year or two. I expect he will probably propose by the end of the year. He has told me that he'd like us to marry next year, if we marry. I'd like that, too, but am wondering if we should wait until the daughter is in college. That's over two years from now, which seems a long time for Tom, as well as for me. On the other hand, I don't want to walk into a minefield if it can be avoided. Plus, frankly, I'm also not too keen on sharing my home with another woman, which is what it would be like for me with this daughter.
Any insights about what I should do? What experiences have those of you in my position ever had? Should I just wait until she's in college before marrying this man? Would appreciate all advice from women with teenage daughters, especially women who marry men with teenage daughters who don't have daughters of their own. Thanks.

And she's too immature and lacking in life experience to know it - but YOU are not.
She's going to be the #1 woman in his life - all of his life. If he's a mature and responsible man and parent - that won't come into conflict. If he's not - it will, with you or anybody else.
The girl probably is doing it intentionally, she's a girl in high school who apparently was abandoned by her mother (any age is critical) and her father has been her sole source of parental guidance, love, nurturing, and support - and as a result, she views you as a threat, YOU are the "other woman" by her way of thinking.
Only HE can diffuse this - and if he doesn't see it, and you want to continue in the relataionship - discuss marriage and plan on NOT doing it until the daughter is NOT living at home...not just "off in college' where she might drop or flunk out and be forced to return in a habitational state.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I think that to avoid conflicts in the family it would probably be best to wait until the daughter is out on her own. Most young adults aren't too interested in their parents' lives anyway because they are too busy building their own lives, so there would probably be a lot less conflict if the OP waits until then to marry this girl's dad. It's not until the mid to late 20s that most people become interested in their parents again.
If the daughter were younger and the OP could be more of a mother figure to her, then it might be different, but at this stage, the kid is bound to see her as a rival and that doesn't bode well for anybody.
But I would not throw in the towel just yet. I think I would suggest an engagement and marriage but with the addition of family counseling.
Go slow. If the mom is not in her life you could play an important role. And you would receive so much more than you give to be in his daughter's life. But know that this will take work. You will have to be the bigger person and give her space, patience and time.
The counselor would be able to give you all good advice on what to expect.