Mass confusion about an ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2007
Mass confusion about an ex
2
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 11:17am

My husband and I have been married for about 6 years. We have two children (6 and 3) and one on the way. I have never been unfaithful nor had any desire to be unfaithful to him, but I recently got an email from an ex-boyfriend telling me that he wishes we were together, that he believes I am his one and only true love and everything of the like. That he believes we should be together; that he wants me to leave my husband, but would not ask me to do so, that he would not let the fact that I have kids and an ex-husband keep him from being with me. (This email, coincidentally, came about 3 days after I had a dream about him.) Other strange things happened like he sent me an email saying he had a vision of us hiking together years from now--and he has no cause to know that in the past few years, I have taken up hiking as a hobby--when we last had contact, nothing could have been farther down on my to-do list. It just amazes me that I feel like he knows me on some level that no one else does or can. From any other ex, this would have meant nothing. However, this one was huge in my life. I have known him since middle school, and we started dating in high school and continued throughout college. We had a wonderful, caring, fun, passionate, respectful relationship, but at many times it was long-distance and we both had issues dealing with the distance; at times, I believe we did not know how to "handle" the passion and would have screaming matches. I ended up cheating on him, and he refused to trust me again and take me back, despite numerous attempts into my first year of graduate school in 1998. (My ex has said that he does trust me now, in short, as he realizes we were trying to make a very grown-up relationship work when we were just too young and he realizes that relationships are complicated.) We were friends and still would be intimate once in a while, the last time being a month before I started dating my now husband. The ex and I always had a very deep connection, and it would often happen that we wouldn't talk for two months, then I'd have a dream about him and he would call me the next morning. There was and is something very magical about mine and ex's relationship.

In sept 2000, I felt that something was not right with my husband and my relationship (he was my boyfriend at the time). I thought and thought about it and realized that at this point we had been dating for 1.5 years, and I wasn't sure if I'd ever want to marry him. And I could not stop thinking about my ex. So, I asked my boyfriend for a break, and did not really give him a reason why other than I just wasn't sure where our relationship was going. The next day I called the ex and asked if I could visit him (he had moved far away), no pressure, but just to see if anything was still there. He told me "my girlfriend is here, and this is going to be a major fight. Can I call you back?" A week or two passed, and I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I got back together and he proposed. I accepted, we got married in Jan 01 and then my ex called me about a month later. I told him I was married and expecting and the conversation ended abruptly. In the Summer of 2003, I thought about my ex again and began emailing him, trying to get some information about how he felt about everything, and he essentially blew me off (later I found out because he was feeling bad about revealing his true feelings, knowing it was unfair since I was married). I cut off communication then because it hurt my feelings to think my feelings were so much larger than his at the time.

When I decided to marry my now husband, I realize I was not ready. I believe that I married him because I "knew" the ex would never trust me again or want to be with me again. I also knew that my husband was a catch and that anyone would be lucky to have him, let alone me. I knew no one better would ever come along, and that he would be a great husband and father and a good guy to be with. My husband is great. We have had lots of problems from day 1. Our relationship was fizzling sexually before we got engaged (as an important note, sex with my ex was never short of amazing). At the beginning of our marriage, my husband was very heavy into his career, and I put mine on the backburner, completely, so that he could pursue his. I agreed that this was "the right thing to do" because with two attorneys, I did not like the idea of having a full-time live-in nanny, which would have been the only solution. I was fine with this except for the fact that for the first 3 years or so of our marriage, I felt like a single mom, and we had a lot of fights where he told me that I just couldn't understand and I became very resentful. He also told me that he was not happy with our sex life and that I was not making him feel wanted. He first told me this during my first pregnancy and told me that I would have to do something about it or he would do elsewhere and get satisfied. Now, he is wonderful with the kids. Our sex life is boring, and while I desire sex and enjoy masturbation and fantasizing about others (yes, my ex), I do not fantasize about my husband or look forward to sex with him. This has been true for about 95% of our marriage. Sex has become a chore. I just do not enjoy sex with him and it's not that he doesn't try, or that I don't try. I think he's a very good-looking guy, but I just feel I do not have that attraction for him.

We disagree strongly on money and how it should be spent and saved, and lately since he does very well financially, he has been bragging quite a bit about how successful he is at a young age, and "we should do this" or "we should do that" and spend the money. We also live in a very wealthy area, where money and things are very important and I feel very distant from it. And miss very much what I came from, which was very middle class America. I also have had problems because I feel he looks down on where I came from.

I started receiving these emails from my ex about 3 weeks ago. I have spent so much time thinking and crying about it (I realize that my pregnancy hormones are not helping, but they do give me an excuse as to why I am crying) and now I just don't know where to go. I told my ex that we need to stop emailing each other with romantic thoughts about each other. He told me that he completely understands and respects whatever decision I make, though he doesn't have to like my decision, and that he will always be my friend. He told me he still loves me and that all he can think about is us eating dinner together every night for the rest of our lives. Literally every love song on the radio reminds me of my ex. I am ashamed by how much I miss him and want to be with him. How when I have a bad day, I want to call my ex and have him hold me. I have been very cold and distant to my husband, and I do not know what to do. I want to be with my ex, and I honestly believe if I thought I could do it without losing everything including everything I have helped my husband build (I am an attorney who graduated law school when I had a one-month-old and thus, never was able to fully enter the workforce--I have largely been a stay-at-home-mom and have enjoyed doing it) and my children and their love that I would leave in a second. I know that I need to take the time to try to work things out with my husband. I know I owe him and our family that, I just don't know how to handle it, especially in light of the fact that I am pregnant right now (due in December). I want to give my marriage the respect it deserves, but at the same time, I am so afraid of losing my ex again. And I know all these feelings are wrong, and I hate myself for having them. I'm also pretty sure that if I were to leave my husband, I would have to be ok with being alone and not having the ex as a full-on boyfriend at first because I would need time for myself and the kids to heal. There is no question that my children are my priority and there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for them. I know my husband knows this as well, as does my ex.

I don't know the proper course of action going forward because my husband will not take lightly to hearing that I still have feelings for an ex, and I do not think it is something he will get over. Nor do I know if I can get over the ex. Please advise as to what you think I should do next. If you think there's some magic chant I can say, I will try that too. TIA.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 2:47pm

Welcome to the board blueroses2007,


The first thing you need to do is end all communication with your ex. All being in contact with him is doing is making you want him more and your husband less. I also think marriage counseling, as well as, individual counseling would be very benefical. I don't think you should mention anything to your husband about your feelings for your ex. At this point, that discussion would

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 3:26pm

Dear Coltara,

Thank you for responding. I agree that I need to cut off all communication with my ex. I have obviously had problems doing that in the past whether immediate or years ago.

As far as whether I would be considering divorce if it weren't for the ex popping back in the picture, I do not know. These are problems that I have kind of accepted, and just kind of assumed that everyone's relationship was like this. I just figured it's how it is, and that there isn't a better way. I forgot to mention that my husband and I also have terrible communication--I cannot bring up something that bothers me without it becoming a full-on fight. I've known for a while for this and other reasons that we needed marriage counseling, but have been fighting it, since my parents divorced and I am afraid to be "cut of the same cloth" as they are. I think the ex's appearance has made these come to a head earlier than they would have, but if he never popped in the picture, I don't know if I would be as eager to act on anything. I definitely think that it has made me question my relationship with my husband in a way that I really haven't, all at once, before. Also, if it were up to me, and divorce was unavoidable, I would keep it at bay as long as possible, provided things were not ugly here, to help preserve any kind of normalcy for the kids.

Thank you again for the advice and for not being harsh on me