mate unfaithful?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
mate unfaithful?
2
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 8:19pm
I am a 40 year old woman and I have lived with my boyfriend (he is 49) for 16 years. We have 3 children between us (his:son 30 yrs old, mine:daughter 20 years old, ours:daughter 14 years old and 2 granddaughters by the 2 oldest kids). I have always wanted to get married, he has asked but only while drinking, I feel he should ask when he is not under the influence. At any rate...we have had our normal share of marital problems but within the past 2 years it has gotten worse.

I am peri-menopausal and he has started having erectile problems. Last year he wanted sex a lot, I did not..that casued friction so I sought Dr. advice and got help. All of a sudden my libido was full force and all of a sudden his was not. Anytime I have initiated sex in the past year he always has an excuse for NOT wanting it. So, for the past year, the only time we have sex is if HE initiates it and then he has been drinking when he does want to.

His work requires him to travel a lot so he is gone 4-5 nights a week, (to different cities and states) sometimes longer, depending on the job. When he does get back in town, he goes to bars. Well, he started taking Levitra a few months ago, which helps if we have sex (I have told him there are other ways to be intimate and pleasure one another, he is not interested). A month ago I went on the road with him for a week...he had his Levitra...I was curious, so each morn I would see how many were left...he only took 1 while with me, that was the first night, after that, one pill was gone every morning when I looked after he left for work and needless to say, we did not have anymore sex that week.

When I asked him about it he got very upset and said I had no business looking thru his stuff (even though it was in "our" suitcase). He was so angry about it, I became suspicious. I know he still gets the Levitra because I check the prescription reciepts I have to turn into the insurance for reimbursement (hmm? does he think I am ignorant). Our sex life is back to once every other week. He says he stopped taking them because he does have heart problems and takes Nitro as needed. I just feel like he is cheating on me. When I ask he adamently says NO. But signs point to yes.

There are other signs that he is cheating. I did make the mistake and tip my hand, so he now knows I suspeect.

I am driving myself crazy over this. I just wish he would be honest. If he is cheating I just want to know..and why? He has always been very sexual...looks at porn mags...I never had a problem with that, sometimes we would even rent porn movies and watch them together. But so much has changed, I don't know what to do. He won't talk to me about it.

Please help with any insight because I am at my wits end and about to lose it.

Thanks, Nadinetn

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
In reply to: nadinetn
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 9:38pm
I'm no expert on cheating, but in my opinion, I believe if the pills are missing, he's taking them for a reason. If that reason isn't you, then who's he doing it for? His job doesn't make the situation no easier. If he's able to be gone for days at a time and in different states or cities, he has every oportunity to cheat. Ecspecially if he's gone a few nights out of the week. Plus if he drinks away from you like he does around you then more than likely, he's cheating. My boyfriend once told me that men may tell you that it's easy to turn a woman down, but it isn't. He said it doesn't mean that they don't love you, he says that it's harder for men to say no but they can say no. I didn't like hearing that from him but I know it's true.

Just go with your instincts and if you've been having sex, I'd get checked for STD's. Not saying anything about you, it's just you do sleep with him. Don't worry yourself over it, just do what you have to do! It's easier said then done! But just be strong.

I am only 20 yrs. old but I've been through heartaches since I was 16. So I had experiences of being cheated on and I have insecurities now. I'm afraid my boyfriend of 17 mos. is gonna cheat on me, but I have no signs that he has so I have to let him breath. I just begun letting him leave the house for hours at a time. I know that if he doesn't get his space that he's gonna take it and I won't like the way he does get it.

You can e-mail me if ya want. CMooney@adelphia.net I would love to talk.

Good Luck & God Bless!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
In reply to: nadinetn
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 2:20am
Most women don't realize that men go thru their own version of menopause. As their sexuality slides and pills enter the picture they feel the overwhelming desire to prove that they are still a man. They hate aging as much as women, maybe more. As their ego goes down the toilet they sometimes do stupid things to feel young again: buy a red sports car, get a fake tan, a toupee, sex with bimbos or wear a girdle. It's agony for the wife that feels neglected and there is no sure fire cure other then stroking their egos with praise for their looks or muscles etc. Sort of what women need to hear when they start to feel less then young and perky. Most women just hang in until the man finishes the "phase." Still I believe strongly in communicating how much you love and need him and that your worried he may do something to hurt the wonderful thing you have between you. If he knows how your worrying and hurting it may help calm him down and build him up.