mature advice needed ....
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mature advice needed ....
| Mon, 09-13-2004 - 3:55pm |
Hello All,
thank you for taking the time to read my story and give some advice....
Here goes - I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 and a half years. We get along great and have similar values and beliefs. The only problem in our relationship has been that he has had a lot of trouble telling me the truth when it comes to things that he knows will upset me and create problems with us. I have helped him a lot to change his ways ( I guess you could say he was a fixer upper boy.... but he was VERY willing to make those changes). In the first year we were going out, he made a lot of mistakes that we've gotten through. When I find out about them or he tells me about them, he is always very upset and mad at himself that he lied to me about them. We've been through this a couple of times, and just recently I found out something else. These are not cheating issues or anything like that, just things that he has done in his past, that he doesn't really want me to know about. He has also lied about smoking, etc.....Our recent fight almost ended our relationship, because I do not want to marry someone who is not honest with me. I told him that he needed to either smarten up and get some guts to tell the truth and be a man, or he can hit the road. I was very serious and still am, and he knows this. Since that fight, I am very worried that there are other things he is not telling me. I am also very worried that he has cheated on me (in the first year we were going out....I am not worried anymore, he is very dedicated to me and I think he was back then, but its just that he has screwed up and that makes you wonder whether there are other things, right?) and is just too scared to tell me. I have seen quite a few good changes in him since then, thank god. I asked him about a certain thing the other day and he told me the truth. I told him now, that he needs to work on telling me right away, before I get the chance to ask him - to take the intiative and fess up before I have to drag it out of him. He agreed and continues to make changes to make himself a stronger, less passive person.
Anyways, I guess my question would be whether or not he has lied too much that I should just call it quits or should I look at the good changes he is making and help him in the process. I truly love this man and this is the ONLY problem we have experienced (him not being able to tell me t hings because he's scared i'm going to break up with him). I have also made changes, tried not to get so mad at him when he does certain things, because I have a tendency to over react. I am showing him that he can tell me things and it is okay, I won't automatically break up with him and we can work through it.
Thank you for taking the time to read this very long story, and I hope I have painted a good enough picture of our relationship and who we are in order for you to give me some positive feedback.
thank you for taking the time to read my story and give some advice....
Here goes - I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 and a half years. We get along great and have similar values and beliefs. The only problem in our relationship has been that he has had a lot of trouble telling me the truth when it comes to things that he knows will upset me and create problems with us. I have helped him a lot to change his ways ( I guess you could say he was a fixer upper boy.... but he was VERY willing to make those changes). In the first year we were going out, he made a lot of mistakes that we've gotten through. When I find out about them or he tells me about them, he is always very upset and mad at himself that he lied to me about them. We've been through this a couple of times, and just recently I found out something else. These are not cheating issues or anything like that, just things that he has done in his past, that he doesn't really want me to know about. He has also lied about smoking, etc.....Our recent fight almost ended our relationship, because I do not want to marry someone who is not honest with me. I told him that he needed to either smarten up and get some guts to tell the truth and be a man, or he can hit the road. I was very serious and still am, and he knows this. Since that fight, I am very worried that there are other things he is not telling me. I am also very worried that he has cheated on me (in the first year we were going out....I am not worried anymore, he is very dedicated to me and I think he was back then, but its just that he has screwed up and that makes you wonder whether there are other things, right?) and is just too scared to tell me. I have seen quite a few good changes in him since then, thank god. I asked him about a certain thing the other day and he told me the truth. I told him now, that he needs to work on telling me right away, before I get the chance to ask him - to take the intiative and fess up before I have to drag it out of him. He agreed and continues to make changes to make himself a stronger, less passive person.
Anyways, I guess my question would be whether or not he has lied too much that I should just call it quits or should I look at the good changes he is making and help him in the process. I truly love this man and this is the ONLY problem we have experienced (him not being able to tell me t hings because he's scared i'm going to break up with him). I have also made changes, tried not to get so mad at him when he does certain things, because I have a tendency to over react. I am showing him that he can tell me things and it is okay, I won't automatically break up with him and we can work through it.
Thank you for taking the time to read this very long story, and I hope I have painted a good enough picture of our relationship and who we are in order for you to give me some positive feedback.

Pianoguy is going to be honest....and everytime I am...I usually get chewed out by an ivillager or two. But I'll risk it...so here goes...
You AREN'T his mother! So...stop acting like one! Dragging a confession out of anybody will make you look like a bully...and this usually leads to an unhappy ending! While I disapprove of your b/f's behavior (the lies and the possibility of him cheating), the ONLY PERSON you can fix is YOU! If "over-reacting" has been and continues to be a problem...work on that!
You don't have to date this man if you feel he has been unfaithful in some way....BUT....
Trying to mold the people you care about into a specific image ISN'T REALISTIC or FAIR! There must have been some qualities in this guy to make you fall in love with him in the first place, right? So emphasize those...and back off on the negatives!
While your b/f may not behave or 'measure up' to your definition of a man....keep in mind that ALL OF US SCREW UP FROM TIME TO TIME! EVEN YOU!!!!
Just to play devil's advocate...and please don't take this the wrong way. If the 2 of you ever decided to get married (assuming your b/f measured up to your "standards" as a man)...who would REALLY 'wear the pants' in your family?
Pianoguy
Your story sounds so similar to mine.
Did most of these "past" things he's done occur before you met? If so, and those things don't affect you personally in any way (like fathering children, STDs, bad credit) they are none of your business, and he shouldn't have to tell you. There is no one on earth who hasn't done things they regret or would have done differently if they had a chance to go back and do it over again. No one gets that chance unless they can time travel. If the past things you're talking about occurred while you were together, and they directly affect you then that's a different story, but it's hard to tell from your post. Would you clarify please?
With regards to the smoking thing, I knew that he smoked in his past (before he met me) but he fialed to tell me that he still smoked. I asked him one time and he said that he still smoked.
With regards to the girl thing, I asked him how many girls he had been with (before he met me) and he told me all excpet 1 (which was the girl that he met in the caribbean that he fooled around with). I found out just recently (because I asked him if there was anything he needed to tell me) and he old me.
There was another incident where I asked him who took some pictures he had (of a game he attended) and he siad he didnt know, but I KNEW that his ex-girlfirend took them and he didnt tell me cause he hates talking about his ex's.
The number of women he's dated or had encounters with before he met you is none of your business. It doesn't matter whatsoever and it doesn't affect you personally. He forgot to tell you about one vacation encounter? I can't remember half of the guys I only knew for a short time in my life. He wasn't required to give you an accounting of his previous liaisons in the first place.
If he hates talking about his ex's, then why force him to, and why would you insist that he dredge up unwanted memories over who took a lousy picture? Why do you have a need to know? Why are you trying to control him especially through his past? Pianoguy is right - you are NOT his mother.
You've basically said to him "you turn me on, so let me mold, shape, knead, and paste you into whatever i want and need in a mate."
And so now anything that was "him" - which is what actions are - they're "who we are" our values and beliefs and standards justify and entitle our actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, ords, ideas, and desires.....he lies.
Now.....whether he's lying so as not to upset you....or lying so as not to lose the benefit of you in his life by his definitions....or lying because he has the right to lie like he's always thought he had the right to lie,a nd you just "make it necessary" with all your rules, restrictions, regulations, and requirements - only he can know.
But you've set this up where you're his "parent"....and let me tell you something, over time he's going to stop thinking of you sexually or in terms of desirability. YOu're goin to be the authority figure that he has to get past, or eliminate - in order to "have a life as an individual."
People that want "fixer upper's" as mates - usually need all kinds of fixing themselves.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I know, and I have made mistakes in the past with trying to control him, but that is being worked on. He has lied to me in the past because he does not want to lose me, and I truly believe that. He only lies about the things that he thinks will hurt me, and I somewhat respect him for that. But what he has to realize is that by him trying not to hurt me, he is just hurting me more by lying. He has definetly made serious improvements, and I think if i show him that I'm not going to jump all over him when he makes a mistake, he won't have to lie about it....what do you think?
If he is the wonderful guy you say he is, and he must be to want to please you, then go with that! Stop obsessing over his faults...We all have them! I would not be surprised to find a letter on another site from a guy who is all bent outta shape over a woman he adores who insists on him telling her everything about his personal life before he ever met her! And it would be your sweet loveable man.
When some one is hanging over you forcing you to tell the truth about something they don't want to discuss, it can be very intimidating! I know a lot of men who would tell you a lot of things you didn't want to hear at that point and it wouldn't neccessarily be about their past! I cannot believe you are as you say trying to make him into a better person... A person doesn't usually lie unless they believe the truth will make us hysterical! If you think he is less than perfect now you are in big trouble as the years go by.
You have to ask your self why are you in this relationship....a relationship is supposed to be an opportunity to think about someone else's needs every once in a while! What all of us need, at bottom is the same: to be free of the past, free to start over, free to feel that wer'e good and decent people and free to feel that there is something good and true and beautiful we can contribute to each other and the world as a couple! The person who makes us feel this way is a gift beyond rubies or gold. Who cares if he used to smoke, or how many women he had before you!!!!
Sometimes a man isn't coming toward you not because he doesn't love you, but because he does not know how. Or he is too afraid. That can be very true and very sad; but if you are to be his woman, you cannot be his tutor. The bottom line in love is not whether someone loves you, but whether someone CHOOSES you. The second biggest mistake...after acting like a man's mother ...is acting like his teacher. Put bluntly, he doesn't get it up for her either! When a sacred honoring, and repectful context for love has been established, then indeed we can take on the various roles that make up the many facets of love. Parent and teacher and lover and friend can all be there and part of love's emotional mosaic. But if all those roles show up too early in a relationship they can grow fuzzy and muddy and diminish love's strenth. In time he will come to hate your control ...the parent /teacher thing will come to repel him in time!
A woman who tries to do a man's emotional work for him has chosen to play the role of his mother! It can be very tempting for a woman to do a man's psychic work in a relationship, until she recognizes that A) She can't; and B) even if she could, if she is an adult herself, she wouldn't want to! Mothering a man by definition cancels out his manhood and fortifies his dysfunction. By you trying to compensate for his lack by putting more of yourself forward is simply neurotic.
A woman cannot win by mothering a man because a man does not want to sleep with his mother. A woman who emotionally does too much for a man will always end up losing him! We rarely learn our lessons in life from someone who is judging us or blaming us...we learn them from people who love us despite our faults.
You asked for some mature advice...I may have rambled on a bit...but I hope you understand what I have tried to say...
Blu