Mature love - living together after 60- good idea or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2012
Mature love - living together after 60- good idea or not?
8
Sun, 11-10-2013 - 9:44pm

I met Ray on line in March 2013 and we have clicked since meeting.  What was to be a coffee date turned into a six hour antique shopping, dinner and drinks and returning home seven hours later. we seem to have so much in common and get along so well.  No disagreements, harsh words in all this time.  He has two ex wives and I have one ex husband. Our children are grown with kids of their own and llives of their own.  Our sex life is a satisfing one.  More of a mature and nurthering kind although at times very passionate.  We satisfy each other and are happy to be in each others arms knowing we are loved. I feel happy, safe and content with him in a way I never felt with my husband of 40+ years.  We laugh and smile, tease and at times cry tears of utter enjoyment.  We spend almost every day together and i frequently sleep over at his place.  Usually spend the entire weekend together.  His large family has embraced me and I have slowly introduced him to my children/grandkids and they all like him very much.

My struggle is he wants me to move in with him...I rent and he owns a condo. I don't want to be his tenant, I don't want to  be responsible for his mortgage, homeowners insurance, etc. AND to be honest i worry that if he ever decided he was done with me I could be on the streets.  I cannot be homeless at age 65. Cannot. I do want to be with him but don't know how to tell him.  I expressed my concerns and he claimed he would never put me in that situation but I'm old enough to know things happen.

Advice, suggestions, experience with this situation...would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Jeanne

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

IMHO, moving in together after knowing someone only 6 months, is not smart.  You need to be together for longer, for ALL the warts to come out.  See him in ALL situations, ALL the holidays, after he's had a couple drinks, when he get frustrated.  Right now, it's still honeymoon behavior.   And he needs to see you in all different situations, too. No rerlationship is ALWAYS kissy, kissy.

That being said, since you are a renter, I don't think you could lose in the situation, as long as you use your head.  I mean, now you pay your rent, renters ins, utilities, etc.  If HALF of his mortgage, insurance, utilities, etc is less than ALL of yours right now, then I see no problem.  Pay your half, and save the difference.  That however, is the key.  SAVE WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE SPENT.  That money does NOT go into a joint accout. And put it in writing.  He keeps his money, and you keep yours, and if you have a falling out, just move out, with a nice cushion to start with.  And any furniture you cannot take with you, have your children store for you for a certain number of years, so you don't have to rebuy everything

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I agree with sabrtooth.......too soon!  Even though you spend a lot of time together, you're only seeing him at his best.  Has he told you why two divorces?  Have you ever seen him angry?  Has there been any talk of marriage in the future?  I see nothing wrong with "living together" at your age, but there are legal ramifications that need to be taken care of.  Again, sabrtooth has some good suggestions.  His children "liking you" is one thing......will they appreciate you being together 24/7?  Definitely keep you finances separate.......and have you ever even discussed who pays for what?  You could also have a joint account that is just for common expenses, each of you contributes your share of the expenses, whatever other monies you have are kept separate.  There is also the matter of what happens if one of you dies, especially him.  I know of a case where an older couple married.....he was a widower, she was never married before.  They were together for a few years, and he got sick.  She took care of him for 2-3 years then he died.  A week after the funeral, his sons came to the house and told her she had a week to get out.  You never know what people will do when there's money involved.  Make sure you both have wills with instructions about the survivor if something happens to you.  You both need wills to cover any or all contingencies.  You two need to discuss all these things before you just up and move, and it would be a good idea not to rush things till you're together a little longer.  I hope it works out for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

I think 6 months is too soon. Sure everything seems wonderful now but you 2 are still in the honeymoon phase. I would wait at least a year before even thinking about moving in with him cause even though you 2 are together a lot it's not the same as living together 24/7.  He will wait for when you're ready if he really loves you. And as you said you would not want to be put out on the street if things did'nt work out. I don't think you should move in with him unless you have a back up plan of somewhere else to go and can save some money to get another place if things don't work out. And I would definitely keep your bank accounts seperate. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

I agree with the other posters. Know him a minimum of 2 years before moving in with him, and make sure he remains the good partner he is now. If you do move in with him, know that you don't have to pay half of his mortgage if it's more than you'd pay for an apartment. You're not on the title so why should you do that? An appropriate amount would be what'd you'd pay for an apartment plus half of the other utilities you use. When you figure out the amount, instead of paying him, offer to pay some of the utilities, like the electric bill and the cable bill. That way you'll feel a little less weird about paying him like a tenant. If it's more than you want to pay, tell him what you're willing to pay to ensure you always have enough in your savings account, and see if he's okay with that. I hope he continues to be the good man he seems to be, for your sake. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

One other thing that I forgot, and no one else mentioned........health care decisions!  This is something else that needs to be in writing, or at least there has to be an understanding.  If you're not married, you're not allowed to make any decisions, or even asked for an opinion.  If either of you should pass away, who makes (and pays for) funeral arrangements?  Do you both have living wills?  If not you should, even if you don't move in together.  These are things you have to think about when you're any age, but particularly when you're older.  One other thing, unless your name is on the title, there's no reason you should be paying on the condo!  In many ways, it makes more sense to get married than to live together!  You both have more rights (and obligations).  There are a lot of things to discuss before you pack your bags.  And it's way too soon anyway.  You need to get to know him better.......you don't know someone from a few sleepovers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well I'd say err on the side of caution and wait a while more, but I don't see any problem with living together.  My uncle has a fiance--he's 85 I think and I don't think they will ever get married.  They basically live in her place in Fla--he had his own place but I think he is selling it now, but he also owns a home up north.  So during the summer she came up to be with him.  I'm in my mid-50's and I wouldn't want to get married again but I might live with someone.

I just think things have to be spelled out, preferably in writing, which isn't that romantic, but it's necessary.  I do think you should pay for some expenses, whether you call it "rent", pay for some utilities, groceries, or whatever.  It shouldn't necessarily be half because he is getting the benefit of a mortgage/tax deduction which you won't get.  It might be based on what you could afford or what you'd be paying for an apt.--I mean he must be able to pay all his own expenses right now, so anything you would pay isn't really based out of need.  You actually do have protections as a "tenant" that he couldn't just "throw you out"--he would have to give you a certain amount of notice, just like any other tenant (usually one month)--that is even if you don't pay rent.  I don't know why you would think you would be on the street since you could rent another apartment, so just make sure you wouldn't be paying all your money for rent and you have some left over for savings, just in case.

As far as wills/health care proxies and all that stuff, I'd think that in the beginning of a relationship, which this is, I wouldn't expect to be acting like you are married and be beneficiaires of the will and all that stuff.  If things get more serious, then he could change his will so that even if he wants to leave his condo to the children, which I think that most people who have children from prior marriages probably want to do, he could make it so that you have a "life estate" which means that as long as you are alive, you could still live there.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2013

Hi Jeanne, glad you've posted with your question. I agree with the other posters that it might be a little soon. Although he does sound like a great guy, you might want to keep the living arrangements as they are because things could easily change. The worries you've expressed are well-founded and it sounds like you've thought it through. If, after being in a relationship with him for another year or so, you still feel the same way, maybe he'll put a ring on it. Good luck to you and have fun in the meantime. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

If you're hesitant, it's not without good reason.  I'm in your age bracket myself and have learned a thing or two, I HOPE.  One is it's a sign of good health to do whatever is in YOUR best interest - something so many of us were just too immature to consider in our youth, we'd just jump in with both feet, ASSUMING all would be well.  If it's really only been six months, I really think you know that's too soon to be moving in and possibly have some risk to your financial future.  It's not selfish to think of yourself finally - you start getting older as lots of us here have and you have to be careful.  Don't we all remember some guy we fell for all those immature years ago and he turned out to be a toad?  Not saying this guy is like that at all, only that you are wise to be thinking the way you are.  You don't have to do a darned thing you don't want to do!  There was a time 18 years back when my DH was pursuing some truly awful, totally selfish woman who was the FIRST woman ever to come on to him in his life.  It woke up his ego along with another specific body part.  When talking to our therapist about it, I "confessed" to her that my VERY FIRST thought after finding out this woman existed was MONEY.  The therapist said "well, what's wrong with THAT????"  Amen.  If it doesn't feel right to you, then do what does feel right.  Other than this issue, living together, it sounds like a pretty nice relationship.  So....don't fix it if it ain't broke!