maturity....is even more confusing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
maturity....is even more confusing.
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 11:13pm
Im a young man, 24. I've always been pretty serious about wanting an intimate relationships. I went through a bad break up a while back, and I've had time to get over it...but I have to admit, I've been up and down with all sorts of realizations about human relationships, proper boundries, ways of communicating, etc.....basically, I haven't pined over the girl as much as I've pined over trying to understand what went wrong and was it my fault.

The long and short of it was this: we we're only togethor a short time, but over the span of three months or so, she took off all the time without me (on friday and saturday nights) and there was more than one instance where I felt like she either didnt speak to me (I guess because other people were around) or she spoke to me like she barely knew who I was. After confronting/ asking for an explanation on the issue several times, I finally got angry about it, we had something close to a fight and she broke up with me.

After that, I was really confused and still wanted an explanation over what happened. Her only response was that I 'skewed it all' and wanted way too much from a relationship.

THis was very difficult for me to wrap my head around, because I honestly felt like she had rejected my friendship and that was 'wrong', from my point of view. So I guess I had to start accepting all sorts of things, like what a relationship meant to me wasnt the same thing to her, or maybe my perception of it was distorted and I shouldnt have been upset, or even just 'if there was somethign about me she didnt like to be around, I guess its not my place to insist that she be around me'. I still wanted us to talk about it afterwards, to understand what went on (because that to me would have been like getting friendship/ respect/ validation) but that didnt really happen.

I guess, if your really going to have an objective view in relationships, the problems that arise probobly go down something more like this: usually, the problem isnt intended by either person and the stress over communicating/ fighting over the problem in question can put distance between you, making the person less likely to want to be around you/ communicate about it and aggrivating the problem to begin with. And of course, the truth is, people probobly act more out of instinct that delibirate choice in confusing situations like these (i.e. they're probobly acting more out of fear of filling their needs than trying to treat you poorly). I've seen tw of my best friends break up over money: now, he says hes lost all respect for her because she basically made mistakes with his finances and left him with the bill. She may have had no respect for money: but I dont believe she did this to intentionally hurt him. I think she just panicked and it got worse and worse, until she couldnt handle it. He keeps saying he can never respect her again though.

So...even though this is a more balanced perspective than to be like: "I was ALL RIGHT and the other person was ALL WRONG", it confuses me anyway, I mean....the situation I was in, I felt like I wasnt being treated well,a nd I felt like that showed a lack of respect. I couldnt believe that hte person I respected wouldnt respect me enough jsut to talk to me (if Im going to trust myself enough to not just be like 'you were paranoid aobut it'). But I guess she had issues (Bulimia, for one)...should I not have been upset about this? I udnerstand that if a relationship isnt giving you what you want, its better to back off than to just bang your head against the wall...but should you not be angry about it? Can you really not be angry when someone treats you in a way other than what you wanted? And I dont mean psychotic-hunt them down and hurt them angry, I just mean...can I really not lose respect for/ villify someone for treating me that way?

.......................................is this making....any sense at all.