May I ask about a friendship issue here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
May I ask about a friendship issue here?
1
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 1:44pm
Hello. I do not know if this is the most appropriate board for this post as most of the other posts are about intimate relationships. Nonetheless, a friendship is a relationship. Please offer suggestions about this issue. It is really important to me.

Here is the situation: I have been severly clinacly (spelling) depressed for over six years, and I really think that I am starting to improve dramatically. During this time I met a very nice man. He was kind to me and we became friends. Keep in mind I was depressed, so I wasn't the best person to have as a friend. I have thought back to this time period and I found lots of mistakes I made. I was not being my true self (not deliberatly, just my state of mind then) I was not fun, I complained a whole lot, and I was not too kind to him in the end. We stopped communicating a while ago.

Anyway, I would really like to have another chance at this friendship now that I am feeling better. All I would ask of him is to meet me at a restaurant or something, and ask his forgiveness for the way I was before and ask if he could let me try again, set firmly boundaries, and ask him if he would be willing to try to be friends again.

I think you must wonder why this friendship is so important to me. I am happy with a platonic friendship and am not trying for anything more. It is just he was a friend when I needed one, and you don't come across people like him everyday.

Do you have any suggestions for how I should go about this or if I shouldn't do this. I have his phone number and his work e-mail. I'm just not good at expressing myself and I have no clue how to ask him for what I want.

Thank you and have a nice day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 1:55pm
Well, you've kinda got a 12-step issue going on here.

What you're saying is that when you were down - he didn't "kick you to the curb" like a good number of other people did.

But, he did cease to associate after a period of time because his needs weren't being met in this one-sided friendship.

So, if what you want is to do "step 9" - ask forgiveness - ask him to meet and if he agrees thank him for standing by you in the past, tell him that you want his forgiveness for not reciprocating in kind his friendship at the time, and you realize you can't make it up to him by being his friend now. YOu can see if he wants to start up the platonic liason again - without holding the past against you - and without you bending over backwards doing whatever he wants to keep him in your life so that you "make it up to him". Realizing that neither of you start "starting anything again" - you're starting up an equality based, mutually beneficial, honeslty communcative platonic friendship - something you two have never had and would need to establish.

He easily may say that he understands and forgives...but doesn't at this time wish to consider an alliance. Don't consider yourself any less forgiven if that is his response. Forgiveness does not require reaffiliation to be a reality.

You see...you have very positive emotional association with him in your life - he was good to you when you reviled yourself and your life...and as a result you consider him a "positive force". That emotional association is what is prompting you to rekindle this relationship. However, realize that what you had was you simply being emotionally driven and acting on your emotions at all times - and him being your whipping post. That dynamic will NOT exist in a future friendship...and as a result, you might easily find that you odn't like, admire, respect, or accept him as an individual based on his values and priorities and goals and standards.....it's just that you never cared about that before, he was your whipping post and salvation or at least distraction.

But he has no positive emotional association with you in his life......he apprently stood by you at a time when you were emotionally driven, pessimistic, not goal focused, or success oriented. HE has no positive association with you. HE equates you with a negative force. That is what prompted him to eliminate association.......however, he might easily have issues of his own that he was drawn to your dysfunctional/incapacitated state previously - wanting to save you from yourself - because he has self-esteem issues that have him attracted to people who are less than complete, secure, successful, and self-identitified. It's just that association with you was too pervasively negative, he couldn't save you from you and make you happy - and so he considered himself a failure for being around you and you remaining in that depressed state.

You just won't know...till you ask...and begin to talk honestly about your isssues - listening to what he says, accepting him for who he is...rather than wanting him because of the positive feelings he offers you about yourself in your life - which is why you liked im before, and that's it.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com