this may take awhile

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2003
this may take awhile
3
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 11:32pm
I have been married for 2 years and have been with my husband a total of almost 6. I got pregnant soon after with started dating. I would never say I stayed with him because of our daughter, but I put up with more than I should have.

I must say I do love my husband very much, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this. I know that here, I can be more honest than anywhere else.

My husband is abusive, verbally and at times physically. I think I look at it that I can take a day of abuse 1 day every couple of months or so, just to have all those good days in between. Most of the time, he is very nice and loving, and most of our disagreements are pretty normal. I am pretty shy when it comes to saying things that may cause a confrontation. I don't want to seem like I am making a big deal about anything. Through the years, I have become very passive-aggressive with him. I don't want to be made to feel unequal to him, but I don't want to be without him either. It seems that everyone is usually more important that me. Sometimes, it's little things here and there that make me feel that he doesn't care, things that maybe are insignificant in the long run. But when I add it all up, it becomes so much more than that.

Last summer was the first time I became fed up. He used to tell me all the time how easily I could be replaced. So when someone new started giving me attention, I shifted to a different attitude. My husband had quit his job to go to a new one, which he quit 2 days later. I was work 60-80 hrs a week to make ends meet. The other man was a coworker, whom I ended up seeing a lot because of all the overtime. I had an affair and I felt no guilt until it was over. At the time I told my husband that I didn't want to put up with him anymore, I didn't care, etc. It felt good to stand my ground, but in the end I felt worse. I didn't necessarily choose to end the affair, it just kind of tapered off. My husband had found a new job, so I didn't need the overtime and I didn't see much of the other man. Four months later, I got pregnant. Our relationship was wonderful at that time. We were both so happy about the new baby. But at 2 months, I miscarried and became so lost. I want back to work a week later because I was so miserable at home. I had to beg him to come to the ultrasound with me. I told him that I wouldn't be able to go and find out my baby was gone all by myself. Now, I still cry every time I think about it. But I tried my best to never make him feel like I had a grudge.

Everything was fine for quite awhile, until now. Last week was our 2nd anniversary, we had a great night. But in the morning I woke up to him being upset and it has been that way ever since. We argued nearly everyday up until yesterday. We had a good day. Today, I was off of work. I ran errands, play with our daughter, then had her help me make dinner. He works construction, so his works hours are less than predictable. He didn't come home until 7pm, though he wasn't actually working the last hour and a half. We waited to eat until he got home. He seemed to be in a decent mood. I offered to pick up the dinner mess. He asked me to run to the store and I told him no problem but I would appreciate it if he could do some of the dishes and I would finish them in the morning. He started picking up and all of a sudden he was upset because I "should've" washed some of them while I was cooking, like he does. I said fine, he didn't have to help me. He threw my plate on the floor and told me he hated me. That's why, he says, he fell out of love with me. This is not knew, he's been saying these kind of things to me all week. I let him go upstairs and left him alone. When I took our daughter to bed, I asked him why he had gotten so angry. Of course, it was because I don't treat HIM right, I am not nice to HIM.

I know this is not a healthy relationship and I should probably end this. I wish I had some miracle phrase that would wake him up to what he has, but I don't. How do I move on? I think what hurts most is that I realize now that he may never have really loved me and that I don't think he will ever see what he has done to me. I don't understand why I will never be good enough. I know I am not perfect, I make plenty of mistakes. Is it worth it to try to work on this marraige, or should I let go and focus on myself and my daughter? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 12:51pm
How sad for you. Your husband is a bully, an abuser and doesn't take responsibility for his own emotions and feelings.

::When I took our daughter to bed, I asked him why he had gotten so angry. Of course, it was because I don't treat HIM right, I am not nice to HIM.

Blames you. Typical pattern of abusive relationships.

::I know this is not a healthy relationship and I should probably end this. I wish I had some miracle phrase that would wake him up to what he has, but I don't. How do I move on?

One step at a time.

1) Consider posting your story on the Recognizing and Dealing with Domestic Abuse support board here at ivillage. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting

2) Call 1-800- 977-SAFE they can tell you if you need to go to a shelter and give you a number in your area so you can get together with a good support group.

3) Reading material to consider:

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard M. Halpern

Obsessive Love by Susan Forward

I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality, Jerold Kreisman, MD

Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them, Dr. Susan Forward

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change, by Robin Norwood

::I think what hurts most is that I realize now that he may never have really loved me and that I don't think he will ever see what he has done to me.

That type of personality (his) won't ever get it without extensive therapy. It's not you.

::I don't understand why I will never be good enough.

Hon, it's not that you aren't good enough. You can't love him enough to change him, love him enough to make him be everything that you want, love him enough to save him from himself, you can't love him enough to have him PROOF to you that you are worthy, lovable, wanted, cherished, etc. Because you need to already know you are all those things. It comes from within you. Something in you thinks you deserve to be treated this way, that you've done something to deserve this kind of relationship/marriage, and all the while it's a battle to heal something within you and within him, but it's a losing battle because YOU can't be and aren't responsible for his behavior, actions, choices, insecurities, abuse. Don't allow yourself to be the victim any longer.

::Is it worth it to try to work on this marraige, or should I let go and focus on myself and my daughter?

If your daughter was in your shoes, what would you tell her? It would break your heart to see her be with an abusive man, taking the blame for the sitations, trying to heal him and love him enough to change. You are her role model, you owe it to her to be strong, show her that no woman should ever accept this kind of treatment.

I pray you find the inner strength to heal your own self-esteem issues, know and believe you are worth so much more, let go of trying to 'save him' and get the help you need.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:03pm
This sounds like a horrible situation that you're in. I wanted to cry just reading it and I can't imagine what you're going through. I might not be of the right age to be the one replying to something like this granted I'm not even in my 20's yet. I would say though, that the only thing I would be worrying about if I were you is your daughter. If he is this way with you, what's going to stop him from being that way with her? I know it's hard to let go of something or someone you love so much but if it's for you daughter's sake, then you have to take that risk and make the move so that your daughter as well as yourself will be safe. They have all kinds of programs that would help you and your daughter. He may never change but at least your daughter won't grow up in such negative surroundings if you both get away while you can. You could say that you're running errands and go see a counselor or a divorce lawyer. I know it sounds funny but sometimes you have to do things like this in order to save the life of your only child. You may not want to do something as drastic as divorce regardless of how much you love him, but you have to decide how you want your daughter raised. Its' not so much about you as it is about the both of you. I hope I've helped even a little bit. Let me know how things turn out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:33pm
When reading your post, I had to stop for a minute and check the name to make sure I didn't write this and just forgot I wrote it.

That's all just a long way to say I know what you're going through and I've been there. You go through days remembering when it was great and hoping that the wonderful man you first met will show up again, hoping he'll say he's sorry, he understands he hurt you and he'll never do it again....but realistically, it's probably not going to happen. The first man you fell in love with isn't the one who really exists. That man was the act. Your husband can't go back to the way he was because he never really was like that to begin with. So the question is, now that you know his true self, are you willing to live with it?

People are going to offer advice, self help books, therapy, and tell you to just leave, but it's not that simple. You have to make sure that you are truly past this man and past enabling him to hurt you, because even if you leave you'll eventually go back or let him back in if your heart is still there with him. So you need something practical that you can do now to start regaining your confidence and self-esteem so you can get to the point where you realize you don't deserve this treatment.

The best advice I was ever given was this...instead of taking his remarks personally, look at him as a child throwing a tantrum. You said you have a kid so I'm sure you're familiar with those. When he starts complaining and whining, look at him as a little kid begging for mom's attention. This trick takes the hurt out of his words because if you see him as a 4yr old his opinion and power are diminished significantly. Then let him know, like you would tell a child, that talking to you that way is unacceptable and when he's ready to speak to you in a proper tone with respect, you will consider what he has to say....and then leave it at that. If he sulks or walks out or gets an attitude, do not cave in. If he starts yelling, leave the room. At first, this is gonna be hard (trust me). But once he sees his tirades don't turn you into a "woe is me/whatever can I do to make you like me again?" doormat, he'll have to try a new method...showing you respect. Now, be forewarned...there's a chance that he could decide to leave too, but think about it...if he does, are you really losing anything?

Hope I helped somewhat. Keep me posted on how things go. :o)