Maybe I'm Over-Reacting? Please Help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2007
Maybe I'm Over-Reacting? Please Help...
3
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 7:37pm

I go through these depressed stages everytime my bf is gone for a period of time. He went to go visit family for a wedding for only a week and a half and I feel distant from him...Not distant, as in far away, but things seem different. A few months ago when we were in seperate states he would call me, send me sweet text messages, etc... This trip seems total opposite. I know he's busy spending time with his mother and father, but "being busy" didn't stop him before. I feel disconnected from him like his feelings for me have changed drastically in the last few months. I've tried giving him his "space" on his trip, but I'm tired of being the first one to make a move to say something to him.

For example, he used to message me every morning and tell me how much he loved me. He would send messages throughout the day asking where I was. For the past few weeks, I have gotten all but three word sentences. Maybe a simply I love you or I miss you if I'm lucky. When I mentioned it to him yesterday he said "I hate it when you get like this". It was always "his thing" to message me a good morning, I love you baby, etc...He admitted he was awake two hours before he even sent me anything the other day (and that was when I messaged him first).

Another example that hurt was a decent myspace message I sent to him devoting my love for him when he's gone and how much I truly missed him. Corny, I know, but I was feeling mushy I guess you could say. At the end, I said "please, please message me back or make an effort to call me".... I went outside for maybe one minute and missed his call...He never attempted to phone me back and just said "ya, I tried calling". That was it...

What bothered me even more, was that he couldn't take the time to repond back to my sweet message online I sent him - but later that night he left a comment for a woman on his myspace 10 minutes after she left him a message asking how her weekend was and telling her how he was out of town WHILE him and I were on yahoo messenger together (and he was rarely talking to ME). Nothing abnormal about the message he left her, but it hurt that he could message a complete stranger and not even his own girlfriend...

And even when he does send me messages, he quickly drops our convos and I don't hear from him for another while...

Do I have a right to be paranoid? I know he's not cheating (he is with his parents I know for a fact) but at the same time, I feel this is a reason to be concerned. Where did the sparks go so fast?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 9:01pm

Honestly - YES, you are over-reacting. Frankly, you are coming across as a very needy bottomless pit. No matter what he does, it is never enough for you nor are you satisfied. You always need more regardless of his other priorities and obligations. This type of behavior from a woman is a red-flag and a huge turn-off for most men.

The harsh reality of life is that you are not always going to be his #1 focus at all times. Every single one of us in life has a wide variety of things we need to tend to. That's just a simple fact of life and he is living that basic fact. This has nothing to do with you or his interest in you.

When you say things like - It took him 2 hours after waking up or that he didn't call you repeatedly when you missed his call, sounds very whiny. Also, when he left the myspace message within 10 minutes, it also had nothing to do with you. It just happened to be the time he was online. If he wasn't online for 48 hours, then it would have been a 48 hour delay in posting the message.

When a woman gets like this, there is almost no point in trying to be responsive as it will never be seen as good enough. It really is a huge turn-off.

So my message to you is very simple and direct. Grow up and understand that it's not always all about you. Try to accept what he gives rather than diminishing what he gives by being whiny and needy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 7:47am

Your boyfrind has made that classic mistake of getting overly mushy and intense in the start of the relationship - the honeymoon phase. Problem is, this level of intense romance really isn't sustainable. He's simply now dropped back to a more normal level of communication.

The best thing I can advise is to stop worrying. And stop comparing to those early days in the relationship. Keep reminding yourself that no man will continue to text upon waking and during the day....it's just not realistic.

In the meantime, try taking Spice's advice about not being too needy. And please don't beg him to call you on your love letters ;-) Jenny, I understand that you are sad about him not responding to the 'sweet' message you sent him, however he may have been put off by you begging for contact instead of being romanced by the nice things you wrote.

Good luck.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 3:03pm

Welcome to the board jennyroll007,


It's normal for the relationship to change as it progresses.