Men and ladies...need feedback!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Men and ladies...need feedback!!
2
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 3:43pm
Hello,

I am fairly new to these posts and have posted a question here once with great feedback. I hope I get honest, good feedback to something I am very confused about. Sorry, this is long but I appreciate the time and feedback!!!

I know this may sound naive but I really need opinions!! I am in my early 30's and consider myself intelligent and well rounded but very naive about men in general. I was married to my HS sweetheart at a very early age and he was the one and only serious man in my life. Also I was the "old fashioned nice girl". That has ended and now I am trying very hard to find my place again at a much older age with vertually no experience. That sets my background so you understand where I am coming from.

Here is my senerio:

A year and a half ago I met a guy who I knew instantly would have some kind of meaning to me. We became friends almost instantly and we stayed friends for over a year. He found out from overhearing a conversation that I was getting seperated. After another 5 or 6 months he started flirting and at first I pushed him away, making jokes out of it. Our friendship in the mean time grew and he opened up a lot to me about his past and a pretty hard life he grew up around. I listened and supported him as he did me. He would go out of his way to make sure I was taking care of myself. He made it his personal quest to make me sleep better because I have insomnia due to my split and situation and an ulser. He insisted that I see a "shrink" or he would drag me there himself. He told me I was the nicest person he knew and the I was "too good for this world". We became good friends and I trusted him. Eventually our friendship went farther. He has had trouble attaching to people but had no problem telling me about things he's been through. Niether one of us needed to get into anything serious. It's not good for me at this point, too soon since my split. Anyway I made it clear to him that I didn't want to ruin a friendship. He said he had trouble attaching even though he said he was faithful to his ex and the ex before that. He also states that he wants children someday and says I am a great mom and he adores it when I talk about my kids. He asks me to send all the photos that I send to family and friends of my kids and loves to hear them laugh in the background when I am on the phone with him. I guess, as his friend I want him to open up and fall for someone in his life even if it's not me. It's what he really needs but is afraid of. I also need to mention that he states that he can't be caged...he can't stand that feeling and admits that it comes from his childhood and a girl who broke his heart once. He says he can't get attached and that he is "bad" but when I told him that he wasn't a "bad boy" he was just a nice guy hiding behind a bad boy image he said, "yeah, you're probably right". But he says that he was faithful to his ex and his ex before her...why does he insinuate that he is a player but is faithful and never has one night stands?? It doesn't make sense to me?! Everything he says is a contradiction??

That being said here is what happened:

He sat me down and asked me what expectations I had for us. I told him none at this point and that I couldn't get into anything serious, that it would be dumb to do that at this point. Again I told him that I didn't want to lose a friendship and that he would matter to me no matter what. He said that he never makes promises but he made me promise that we would be friends no matter what and that his friendship would always be there. He also said that he thought I may have been uncomfortable with the situation and told me that I could stop it anytime.

I let what he said sink in and then e-mailed him later that day that I needed to talk. I wanted to tell him that he mattered too much and that I was just not cut out to be able to seperate the two. Well, he called the next night on the 4th of July to tell me that he was home alone watching tv. I was with friends so he quickly got off the phone but I got the feeling he called to talk. After that he never brought up the subject again? He calls and/or e-mails and we are still friendly but it's not the same. He says he has been so busy but he never asks to see me anymore and contacts me less. Why did he pull away like that?? He said he couldn't commit and had trouble with that but pursued me anyway knowing that I was a "nice" girl and had never known anyone but my ex and him. He still asks how I am but I feel like I lost a friend?? Did I scare him?? Why did he act like this?? Help with some insight guys.

Thank you,in advance!!

katlc

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 7:08pm
I think that this man really truly loved you, and even though the both of you are scared to commit, he had that hope that you would someday reconsider.

It is so hard for most men to open up and tell you exactlt how they feel and what has gone on in their past. This man opened up to you and probably told you about a few traumatising experiences in his life.

To him maybe he feels as if you rejected him, and for any man or woman who pores their heart out to someone, rejection hurts.

He is longing to be a part of you, and your children, he is longing for a family and here he finds you to be this amazing woman, who is wonderful, and listens to him without judging him, but you don't want him in the way he wants you, and that hurts.

Give him time to recompose himself, let him know you still adore him and his friendship, and when he gets over the fact that there can't be anything more than friendship, he will come around.

Be Blessed always.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 7:37pm
Thank you for your input! I have been apprehensive because he started out telling me that he couldn't commit and he messes up and he was a "player". So I didn't want any expectations for me or to put any on him. The truth is there could be something there if and when both of us were ready. I just don't feel like I should be ready yet and I am terrified he just wants the "FWB" thing and I can't handle that when I like and care about him too much. I just hope I haven't messed up something that was a beautiful friendship or something that could have been because I want him to open up to someone, someday and not be a "player"....he is better than that! If I am not the one then fine, if it were possible someday between us...even better. :o)

I hope your right and he comes back and opens up again!!

katlc