Men and Women and Cheating
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| Fri, 02-13-2004 - 8:15pm |
Recently, my bf has been spending a lot of time on the internet "chatting" with other women. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is the fact that he actually chatted with a woman that lived in the same area we did and they hooked up and he helped her with some errands. He even brought her by our house with me totally unaware of any of this (at the time). A few days afterwards, I found out that this woman had been in our home and I completely lost it. I honestly believe they did not engage in anything sexual and he apologized because he said he did not see it as cheating. He was being friends with a woman who was new to the area whose husband recently died. I told him I didn't care who died, he lied by not telling me about this woman to begin with.
This is where we totally differ in our thoughts. He feels that the only way he can "cheat" is to have sex with another woman. I feel that cheating can be much more than sex. Him meeting some woman and not telling me about her to me is cheating. How do I know they are not forming an emotional connection? All sex begins somewhere.
It turns out that a few other guys I've talked to have the same beliefs he does; it's not cheating if they aren't having sex.
Are men and women so very different on this subject?
To me, he's cheating. I told him that I wanted all contact with this woman stopped and I recently found out that he had seen her over a month ago and that they had still talked via email up to a few weeks ago. He thinks I'm being jealous and showing a lack of trust and a lack of disrespect because I've dug in to his privacy (email) to find this information. I feel he hasn't shown me proof that he deserves trust.
I'm trying hard not to completely lose it and rage on him about this. What do you all think?

Have you brought up the reciprocal with him? If you were doing what he had done, would he be ok with it?
If you two have not brougt this up - you need to!!!
I broke up a 5 1/2 year relationship 2 months ago due to communication problems. I give advice from my own experience - that's where I'd begin if I was in your shoes. Now we are trying to get back what we had (by fixing what was wrong in the past). EFFECTIVE open communication is key!!!
He tells me he would never cheat on me as he loves me, the life we have, our home, etc. and he'd never take a chance on ruining it. However, he's not open about what he does. I see it as him trying to hide things or keep them a secret and he sees them as not wanting to freak me out.
It boggles my mind that we think so differently on this issue and even further confuses me when I hear other men agree with the way he thinks. It is hard to find a middle ground on this issue.
:::This is where we totally differ in our thoughts. He feels that the only way he can "cheat" is to have sex with another woman. I feel that cheating can be much more than sex. Him meeting some woman and not telling me about her to me is cheating. How do I know they are not forming an emotional connection? All sex begins somewhere.
The two of you have different values and I don't think you will have a meeting of the minds on this one. It an issue that you must see eye-to-eye on from the very beginning, he's not going to change, but continue his behavior because he doesn't think anything is wrong with it, his values justify his actions. Can you live with it? If not, it's time to move on as you two are clearly going in different directions.
Carrie