men & money.......sorry this is a long one!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2011
men & money.......sorry this is a long one!
23
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 11:48am

hello ivillagers....

let me begin by stating that i lean more towards the side of an old fashioned marriage like my parents.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 12:20pm

Ok, there's a lot of info here to take in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 12:58pm

Agreed with the PP, in addition, whether it is selfish or not, these days most women (and people in general) could not afford to just take some time off to get rid of "any pain/anger over losing the last job".

Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 1:29pm

"First of all, what century are you living in that you think that the man should have primary responsibility for earning money? I'm quite a bit older than you (54) and I don't really know anyone my age who thinks that way--I can see if a couple agrees that the mom should take some time off to care for the kids but otherwise, every woman I know has a full time job--and mostly a 'career' type job, not just 'helping out.'"

Ok, I'm only 33, but I don't really want to go into a marriage with the expectation that I will be the primary breadwinner either.

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2011
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 1:30pm

thank you both for the input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 1:43pm

There is a LOT wrong here , mostly on your account, IMPOV.

Yes, you ARE putting too much pressure on your fiance. You seem to be wanting reassurance in everything and that can be very draining.

' Taking time to heal from a lost job ' is a ridiculous reason to not go out and look for a job and on top of it, wanting reassurance from your fiance that he will pay for everything. He earns 5x more than you but doesnt mean ( from what he says, according to you ) that he is wanting you to stay home and spend his and not contribute .

There are men who earn very less but even then want a housewife.Its just the kind of man you are with.If you want a man who would take care of all the finances , irrespective of what you contribute /not contribute, then this is not the man for you .You want a marriage date to tell your future employ ? Doesnt sound like valid reason ! duh. You are not even looking for a job.

The type of reassurance you want from him is possible but from another man who wants the same things as you, he doesnt.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 2:12pm

I'm flabbergasted by the idea that a 38yo woman - who considers herself "independent" and doesn't have any children - thinks a man should provide for her. WHY???

Or that this "independent woman" feels entitled to sit around for several months waiting for her mind to adjust to being let go, even if she has a year's severance (which is incredibly generous in this economy).

Or that she's counting off 50/50 with a fiance, rather than sitting down together and planning a future logically and with level heads.

I strongly recommend you get counseling together to address your communication issues, because clearly you and your fiance are not on the same page as far as...well anything, as far as I can see:

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 4:17pm

Welcome back, dpplgngr!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 4:38pm

I knew I recognized that name--ok so the guy is a jerk, everybody told you he's a jerk (to the orig. poster) yet you still think he's being a jerk--why the surprise there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 4:45pm
lizmvr wrote:

Ok, I'm only 33, but I don't really want to go into a marriage with the expectation that I will be the primary breadwinner either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 5:28pm

>>i started to wonder.......was it selfish of me to take all this time off when i could have taken the opportunity to get us ahead? does this make it seem like i'm putting all the pressure on him to do it? why am i left feeling like i've failed here?? am i being selfish or is he deflecting his failure in this situation by magnifying how i've been in a rut and that he didn't want to make me feel worse by bringing it up?<<

Yes, I believe it was selfish to take the time off.

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