messing up

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
messing up
7
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 5:44pm
I think I messed up when I emailed this guy I have been seeing for 11 weeks now. We have never talked about "us" or our feelings towards one another. I wanted to let him know how much I enjoy my times with him and that he's a great person plus how I always look forward to seeing him and how I am fortunate to have met a guy like him. I also explained to him in the email that I wanted to let him know all of this at the end of our last date but was too nervous to express to him. I know now that e-mailing is a cop-out/impersonal way of expressing how I feel towards him and I may have made a big deal about this by telling letting him know my nervousness. It's just that I'm not real good with relationships and not real good at communicating how I honestly feel (did not tell him this). I get nervous around him because of my insecurities from my past dating experiences(too much baggage?)and I like him alot.

We have been moving very slow. Both of us are new to long term relationships and we are both in our 30's. I haven't been in a long term relationship in ten years and he's never been in one. Both of us haven't dated much either. He's a bit shy and reserved but on our last date he wanted to give me "the kiss" after our date but I didn't let myself get fully into it because I got a little confused by some of his actions that night and pulled away a little. I think I may have confused him by reacting to the kiss.

It's been a sweet relationship. So far, at the end of our dates we kiss each other on the cheeks or a peck on the lips and/or a hug. I have to admit that I have been the one holding back on the physical part. He has made advances at the end of our dates but I get nervous and hold back at times. I would like to move our relationship to the next level(not sex) and see if this is going to be a long term serious relationship. We have been seeing each other twice a week since our first month dating and it has been very nice.

Now I am just waiting here for a response from him. I don't know what he thinks now. Should I call him and talk to him about it or should I just leave it alone and wait for him to call and bring it up? I wrote him yesterday and our last date was the night before. I don't know if I am making a big deal about this. I really like this guy. I like him more as I am get to know him better.

Please advise and thanks in advance for reading and your insights.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 7:52pm

After 11 weeks, I think it was time someone

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 9:17am
faithhopelove86...

Pianoguy likes your name! And the sentiments connected with it are something almost all ivillagers want in a relationship.

How about making a quick trip to your local greeting card store...and picking out a nice snail mail friendship card? Normally...Pianoguy wouldn't suggest a mushy card, but in your situation...he's making an exception! Look for a card that has a woman "puckering her lips together" on the front of the card....and include a short note inside that says:

I'M WAITING FOR THAT KISS FROM YOU!"

If you truly like the man and wish the relationship to go a bit further, take my suggestion. If you're afraid that one kiss might lead to something that'll make you uncomfortable...bake the man a plate of cookies (MEN LOVE IT WHEN A WOMAN GOES TO THE TROUBLE TO BAKE SOMETHING NICE)! Hand deliver the cookies to his home or office, but don't hang out waiting to see him!

If the gentleman realizes that you went "the extra mile"...and his feelings are as strong for you, as yours seem to be for him...HE'LL CALL YOU WITHIN 24 HOURS!

Best of luck and warm thoughts from...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 2:52pm
Thank you both for your words of encouragement and your kind advices. I understand that it is about time we have to talk about feelings. I am afraid to have scared him off with my email since we never have talked about 'us' or feelings. Your responses has helped me put things in better perspective and calm my nerves a bit. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 4:00pm
I haven't heard from him. I was hoping that he would at least respond to the email I sent him last week but he hasn't. It is unsual for us for not have contact with one another for five days now. I want to call him and see how he is and maybe discuss the email. Should I call or should I wait? I don't want to pressure him and yet at the same time I don't want him to think I don't care. There is so much I want to say to him and do for him but I am afraid I may have frustated him and turned him away. I just don't know what is appropriate. Please advise. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 11:27am
You absolutely must ...repeat must communicate with him! Communication is the bckbone of all relationships ...it is the only way we can let each other know what is going on! What are you guys waiting for a bolt of lighening form the sky!!! The problem with most relationships is that we are so afraid of not getting approval that we forget to give it and guess what the other person is afraid of exactly the same thing! If the way you are feeling scares him because he is not ready or at the same place you are...then so be it! At least you will know where you stand. The waiting and the wondering and the second guessing yourself is torture. I suggest you just call him right now and say Hey we need to talk because I have moved to the next level of what ever is going one here I am afraid I may be all alone in this place and could you confirm or deny my thoughts on this. Tell him you feel that there is a huge lack of communication and that after 11 weeks of dating you are entitled to know where you stand. That you are getting in deeper and if he is not then he needs to let you know because you are at risk of getting hurt. That you meant what you said in your e-mail and could he please clarify where he is at. That you are big girl and if he is not ready to move ahead you are happy with what you have and will be patient but would appreciate if he would communicate that to you....that's all
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 4:51pm
Thanks for your advice. So, I tried calling him last night but got his voice mail instead. I think he might be avoiding me and didn't answer the phone. I left a short voice message saying "hi" and to give me a call when he had a chance. Should I try calling again or should I wait for him to call me back tonight and if he doesn't call, should I call him tomorrow? Would that be too much? Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 7:14pm
Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. He just called me but the subject of the email did not come up. He called me at work and I can't discuss this subject here at work where people can hear me. We are getting together this weekend. He asked to get together. Should I bring up the email when we are out this weekend? How do I casually steer the conversation to discussing the email and/or 'us'? Thanks again.