In the middle btwn son and fiance...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In the middle btwn son and fiance...
15
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:28pm
I've posted things on several boards and always received helpful advice. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. My 12-year-old son just got back from spending 3 weeks with my parents. Before he left he told me that he doesn't like my finace (we live with him) and he doesn't want to live here any more. We moved here (to a different state) a little over a year ago to be with my finace. My son was okay with that at the time, although he was sad about leaving his friends and my family. He hasn't seen his real dad in over 3 years (his dad's choice). That has been hard for him and he has adjusted to the many changes extremely well. While he was gone I struggled with what he told me and I decided that when he came back home we would go to see a counselor. I want my son to have somebody to talk to and feel like he's not alone in this situation. I try to talk to him but it's hard for me to handle his complaints about my finace. If I try to talk to my fiance about what is bothering my son, he tells me that he is just trying to come between us because he liked it better when it was just "me and mom". And he said that he doesn't like to be 2nd in my life. I told my fiance that my son is my 1st priority and he will never be 2nd in my life. Well, I think that made my fiance mad, because now that my son has been back, we have fought every single day. He says that I treat him like a live-in babysitter and that he has no say in what my son does. He says that I make all the decisions regarding my son and don't allow him to have any say in the discipline and what my son does, so I might as well pay him because all he is is the babysitter. My finace is self-employed so my son can go to work with him, but on his first day back, he didn't want to go to work with him, so I told him he could stay home alone. Well, that made my fiance mad. So this week I told my son that he couldn't stay home, that he had to go to work with my finace and THAT made my finace mad. I just don't know what to do. He won't talk to me except to yell at me. He said that I'm using my son as a pawn in my little head games. And that when I'm happy with him I let my son go to work with him, and when I'm mad at him I don't let my son go with him. That's not it at all. I am just trying to make my son and my fiance happy and it's not working!!

I have an appt with a counselor tomorrow for just me. I figured I need to go alone first and tell her what is going on (in my view). I don't know if my finace will go with me, but he agreed that me and my son both need counseling. I just feel like my finace is jealous of my relationship with my son and that he is being a big baby. In the meantime I am supposed to be planning our wedding and I just can't bring myself to do that. I'm having too many doubts. My son is such a good kid (everybody tells me so) and I don't want to do anything to make him turn into a resentful, angry teenager.

Any ideas on what to do with my son and my finace? They get along for the most part when they are around each other. (P.S. My finace also has a son who is 13. We have him every other weekend. My finace is very hard on him as far as disclipine and what he lets him do and not do. He thinks that I am far too easy on my son.)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:58pm
Hopefully, your man will go with you to counseling after you've gone a few times. I'd be willing to bet the ideal solution (and the perception) is somewhere in-between your view of things and his view of things. Meaning you are both right based on what you preceive to be the truth, yet, in counseling you both might be able to find a middle ground and work out some of the issues. He might benefit in not being so hard on the kids, admitting and dealing with his anger/jealousy of the situation and you might see that a little more disciple is in order and that your fiance needs to be involved in decisions otherwise you will never truly be a family. A parenting class for both of you (together) could help further a resolution.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:27pm

honey - i have been in your situtation, only i ended up marrying the guy and regretting it - my son suffered terribly (so did I) and i am now in the process of getting divorced.


its a thin line - between letting your child 'manipulate' you and make your decisions for you - and making an adult decision based on YOUR take on a situation. my best advice to you - and i wish that *I* had done this before i got married - is to get professinal help and also you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:44pm
I know exactly what you mean. I don't want to marry him and then regret it. And I know my son is not trying to manipulate me. He wants me to be happy and he is very protective of me. I think he knows that things aren't right and he senses that something is bothering me and it scares him. It took alot of guts on his part to come to me and tell me that he doesn't like my finace and he doesn't like living here. He came to me like a puppy with his tail between his legs when he said it, so I know it was hard for him to tell me that. I just told him that everything would be okay and that I would talk to my finace about the way he treats him, but when I tried to talk to him, he twisted everything around to make it sound like it was my son who was trying to come between us.

I tried to explain to my finace that I have been my son's only parent for 12 years and it is going to take some time for me to let someone else share in that responsibility, but he just doesn't have any patience with me. And I don't like the way he treats his son and there is no way I would let him treat my son that way.

Plus there are several other issues that we fight about....money is the biggest one. I just feel like I'm in a hopeless situation. My friends have told me to cut my losses and move back home, but I don't know how to face my family with another failed relationship. I really thought this was the one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 5:02pm
My son just called me and told me that he got stung or bit by something today while he was out working with my fiance. He said it was on the back of his thigh and it was swelled up bigger than his fist. He didn't know if it was a spider or a bee because there were both at the job site. I asked him where "fiance" was at, he said he was not at home, he just dropped "son" off. I told him to take a benedryl and take a shower and put on clean clothes.

Then I called "finace" to see what he had to say about it. He told me that "son" was crying and told him that something stung him. He told him to drop his drawers and show him if it hurt that bad. Son refused. So he sent him to the truck. He told me that if they had been doing something fun that the sting wouldn't have hurt as much (indicating that he was just complaining to get out of work). I said that he was having a bad allergy day so he probably wasn't feeling that good. Fiance said that Son went thru two rolls of toilet paper blowing his nose and that he told him to do the farmers blow instead of using up all the toilet paper. I said that was gross and he said that's what you have to do when you're out working. I asked him to look at the sting when he gets back home and he said I'm sure he's not dying. Real sympathetic.

I'm so mad!! I don't know why he has started acting this way! Up until about a month ago he was so loving and caring with me and my son. It scares me because he has a terrible temper and if he's in this kind of mood I don't know what he might do or say. I just want to run home and get my son!! Of course I'm at work so I can't do that. But it scares me. The house is in my name but the business is in his name and it is on the same property as the house. I just bought this house a month ago so he could have more room to run his business. I can't afford it on my own (even though he hasn't been helping with the bills). Any ideas?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 5:20pm
'he has a terrible temper '

And he doesn't treat your son very well or take this allergic reaction seriously and he doesn't understand why your son is #1 in your life. Sounds like a greeeeaat guy. Why are you still in this relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 12:18pm

again, i will share my experiences - my son was 11 when we got married, and things were never great, but when he was around 15 or so things got really really bad, my son was very depressed and was having daily panic attacks, not going to school, not going anywhere, etc. we finally got to therapy - it turned out that HE was trying to protect ME - he thought that I was happy in the marriage, and he didn't want to rock the boat. i thought that HE (ds) was happy and *I* didn't want to mess it up for him. luckily we got to therapy before it was too late (my son was so depressed he was talking about suicide).


i will tell you something that someone told me way-back-when - but i didn't really "get it" then

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 12:36pm
You are exactly right. My son is trying to not rock the boat because he thinks I am happy here. He already suffers from anxiety, depression and is on medication from when his real dad decided not to see him anymore. I worry about him so much and I'm afraid another bad situation will be too much for him to handle. I do have a pattern of abusive relationships. My ex husband was verbally abusive, controlling, alcoholic, drug user, etc. And I am a "helper". I always think I can "help" them and "fix" everything. I think I have matured alot in the last year (I'm 32) and this does seem like a "lightbulb" moment for me. I just wish it didn't take moving to another state and giving up everything I had for me to realize that I need help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 10:49pm
Do whats best for your son~he needs you and he does not need to be treated in a way that his self-esteem will be taken down a notch...When I dated my husband my oldest son and him got along great. The minute we got married he did nothing but picked on him and name calling...but to answer your question from the other post...NO I never saw any of this coming and no red flags at all....If there was I would of stopped dead in my tracks. He was a great actor for a year..

But we moved back to our house and we are very happy to be back home...He is very jealous of my relationship with my sons....and has nothing but negative things to say....Trust me..its not worth seeing your kids go through what mine went through..they don't need that.

Good Luck and take care of your precious son~~Victoria

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 9:10am
I had my first counseling session last night. I really liked the counselor and we talked for over an hour and a half. She flat out told me to call a lawyer and kick my finace out of my house as soon as possible. I told her I wasn't ready to do that yet and she told me to start preparing myself for that because it will eventually have to happen. I asked her if she needed to hear his side of things, that maybe I'm just telling her all the bad stuff and there is some good stuff too, and that I probably do alot of things that make him mad too. And she said no. That if everything I told her was true that I need to get me and my son away from him as soon as possible. She even said that if I continued to let my son live in this environment she would have to call Child Protection Services. I was really shocked. I really didn't think things were that bad. Now I'm really freaked out. I really went there to HELP our relationship and to HELP us communicate better and work things out. I had no idea she would tell me to leave him immediately. Do you guys think I should try another counselor or am I just being blind to how bad the situation really is?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 11:35am
Your counselor sounds like the kind of professional you need. She is telling you exactly what you need to hear. I have been following this thread, and I agree with the counselor...if I were your neighbor or confidant, I would call CPS also. I have never understood women who will stand by and allow their children to be abused for the sake of some man. Even the beasts in the field will kill to protect their young, but some human females will offer up their children as sacrifices to appease the men in their lives.

Get a backbone. Remove him from your home. Then consult a lawyer so you can get untangled from this guy financially. Stay in therapy and follow your therapist's advice.

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