In the middle btwn son and fiance...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In the middle btwn son and fiance...
15
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:28pm
I've posted things on several boards and always received helpful advice. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. My 12-year-old son just got back from spending 3 weeks with my parents. Before he left he told me that he doesn't like my finace (we live with him) and he doesn't want to live here any more. We moved here (to a different state) a little over a year ago to be with my finace. My son was okay with that at the time, although he was sad about leaving his friends and my family. He hasn't seen his real dad in over 3 years (his dad's choice). That has been hard for him and he has adjusted to the many changes extremely well. While he was gone I struggled with what he told me and I decided that when he came back home we would go to see a counselor. I want my son to have somebody to talk to and feel like he's not alone in this situation. I try to talk to him but it's hard for me to handle his complaints about my finace. If I try to talk to my fiance about what is bothering my son, he tells me that he is just trying to come between us because he liked it better when it was just "me and mom". And he said that he doesn't like to be 2nd in my life. I told my fiance that my son is my 1st priority and he will never be 2nd in my life. Well, I think that made my fiance mad, because now that my son has been back, we have fought every single day. He says that I treat him like a live-in babysitter and that he has no say in what my son does. He says that I make all the decisions regarding my son and don't allow him to have any say in the discipline and what my son does, so I might as well pay him because all he is is the babysitter. My finace is self-employed so my son can go to work with him, but on his first day back, he didn't want to go to work with him, so I told him he could stay home alone. Well, that made my fiance mad. So this week I told my son that he couldn't stay home, that he had to go to work with my finace and THAT made my finace mad. I just don't know what to do. He won't talk to me except to yell at me. He said that I'm using my son as a pawn in my little head games. And that when I'm happy with him I let my son go to work with him, and when I'm mad at him I don't let my son go with him. That's not it at all. I am just trying to make my son and my fiance happy and it's not working!!

I have an appt with a counselor tomorrow for just me. I figured I need to go alone first and tell her what is going on (in my view). I don't know if my finace will go with me, but he agreed that me and my son both need counseling. I just feel like my finace is jealous of my relationship with my son and that he is being a big baby. In the meantime I am supposed to be planning our wedding and I just can't bring myself to do that. I'm having too many doubts. My son is such a good kid (everybody tells me so) and I don't want to do anything to make him turn into a resentful, angry teenager.

Any ideas on what to do with my son and my finace? They get along for the most part when they are around each other. (P.S. My finace also has a son who is 13. We have him every other weekend. My finace is very hard on him as far as disclipine and what he lets him do and not do. He thinks that I am far too easy on my son.)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 7:53am

most counselors will not tell a client to leave a marriage UNLESS they feel that there is real danger. most counselors will work with you to get you up to that point of understanding the problems and making a decision. IF your therapist told you to leave - then i would tell you to understand that based on what you told her- she feels that you and your son are in REAL DANGER. yes, its possible that a different counselor will do things differently - but i think that you must understand by now that things ARE that bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 9:47am
A counselor will not lightly refer to CPS. What exactly did you tell her about your situation. Imagine a friend telling you the same thing-would you be concerned for her and her son?

Do what is right for your son and get out. Why are you putting up with this? Why do you think you and your son deserve to be treated this way?

'Do you guys think I should try another counselor'

Imagine if I told you to keep looking until you found one that wasn't concerned for your child's safety. Wouldn't that be the strangest advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 12:56pm
I would get another opinion..I don't know a counselor that would say that...maybe there are ones out there. But usually they want to hear both sides...and try to work out the problems if thats possible...not try and split up couples...just my opinion...Look at all the stuff my husband has done to my kids and not one counselor ever told me that he should call the cpa or a lawyer..There are good counselors out there and bad ones...get another opinion...Victoria
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 8:57pm
They will tell you to get out if they see that there is abuse involved, because they know that usually, no amount of counseling will put a stop to it. You said yourself that you didn't know what he would do when he's in a temper and that you wanted to run home from work. That means there is something inside of you telling you to get your child away from him.

Think about how hard it was for your son to tell you he didn't want to live there anymore. He wants you to be happy, but he came to you with this news anyway, knowing it would upset you. That had to be VERY difficult for you.

I vote for no second opinion. I think alarms are already going off inside your head. Listen to them.

Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 9:54am
Thanks for all the great advice. My fiance and I have talked a little. I told him that I would not make compromises where my son is concerned and that he should respect that and not expect anything less. I also told him that he can't possibly love and care about my son as much as I do, so he should not have the right to make decisions regarding his well-being. He said if that's the case, then he is nothing more than a babysitter. I said if that's the way you see things...He said he didn't know if he could live with that. I said that's his decision but I'm not backing down. I see my counselor again on Thursday.

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