MIL Ruining My Marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
MIL Ruining My Marriage
19
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 2:48am
Hello there. I am going through a situation with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. My husband and I just got married in October but we dated for two years previous to that. His mother and sister were nice to me the first couple of times I met them. Then they seemed to get bipolar or something and began blaming me for any fights they had with my hubby. All the time constantly if his mother and him or his sister and him got into a fight or anything it was my fault because "he didn't act that way when I wasn't there". Then his sister started getting mouthy with me over our first summer together. I told her she was selfish and spoiled and she threw a phone at me and threatened to kill me. All this stress led to the miscarriage of our first child. About three months later I became pregnant again. We didn't tell anyone until I was four months along. Then it all started over again. His mother called him one night while he was at my house and said that all that mattered now was his sister, him, and his mom and they had to take care of eachother. She knew I was pregnant at this time. It still further on continued. At dinner one night, his sister and him got into a fight. She left the room. His mom made the comment, " Do you want your baby raised in a dysfunctional home?" When he asked if she was calling me dysfunctional, she said no me, you, and your sister are. But our child was not going to be raised in her home. In April, I had my baby shower and at my baby shower she smacked my hubby because he told her he didn't want to hear about her boyfriend. At this time, we were living on our own. He was 19 and I was 18. Our son was born in June. At the hospital, she made sure she had morepictures taken of her with our son then I did. One night after I got home from the hospital she came over. She sat down in front of our son's bassinet, looked up at me, and said don't mind if I call myself mom to him. Then one night my hubby and Iwere trying to talk and she kept calling. He told her that him and I needed to talk and she asked Waht do you need to talk about? She kept calling and eventually we didn't answer. So she called everyone she possibly could and told them I was an unfit mother who was neglecting and abusing our son. She even went as far as to call someone and see how she could go about getting custody of him. Our son has not seen her since. However I go over to my father-in-law's every Sunday. I call him Dad because I love him. Well my sister-in-law apparently has a problem with this and wrote me several nasty emails. I just had to see her yesterday at his dad's and all I got all day were dirty looks from across the room. As you, I want nothing to do with his sister or mother. My husband however thinks I should forgive and let them see our son. He really hasn't supported me through this. When his mom or sister say something about me he doesn't say anything back. But when I say something about them boy do I hear it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 11:15am

Unfortunatley, it sounds like she is a mother who cant realize that her so nis growing up and has a family of his own. She is extremly jealous that you might suceed at something she didnt, having a "normal"family. Everytime she sees you getting a little closer to those goals, getting closer as a family, she tries to do something to set you back. What bothers me though, is the fact that she has contemplated trying to gain custody of your child, not that i think she would EVER succeed, but to even set someone up to go through horrific ordeal is scary. I would

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 1:32pm

i am so sorry for your troubles! like the CL here - I think you need to document things that SHE is doing to YOU, also make sure there are enuf people who see you as a good mother. unfortunately there are alot of sick people out there who try to make trouble, and the child protection people sometimes act first and then ask questions. (which is fine when the children really need protection, but people abuse those laws).


the problem here is that your husband is the one who needs to break away from his very dysfunctional mother. and right now, he can't. I don't think there is anything you can do differently - she is obviously very sicko. I wish I had more encouraging news for you, but I fear that unless he does break away from her --- you are going to have deal with this for the rest of your married lives.


hugs!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 2:04am
Everytime we try to talk about it or I want to talk about it he gets mad at me. He says I should just ignore it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 4:48am
Wow, my prayers are with! Good advice from everyone, especially the documentation....write, record, photo, get a spy cam if you have to.

The forgiving part is difficult, but you should forgive them for your own sake. Why give them the satisfaction of knowing they are making you miserable?

People like that don't deserve the energy it takes to be angry with them...I know it's easier said than done.

I feel sorry for both of them! Obviously they have nothing better to do with their time then to think of ways to make yours miserable....very sad.

Congratulations on your new baby and good luck! I'm sorry about the previous miscarriage, I had one in the spring working too hard, stressing too much, worrying about others too much, never again.....not worth the loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 4:55am
My MIL told my husband to put his foot down with me about her seeing him. She also told FIL (her ex) that she was going to get DH to come home to her an they were going to take custody of our son. She harrasses my FIL too not just me. She has told her children their entire lives that their father doesn't love them and told DH that it is his fault FIL left her. FIL loves his children very much. I know because we visit him every Sunday.

SIL told FIL that I got pregnant so my DH wouldn't leave me. I wish my DH would just help me get them out of our lives.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 5:07am
again i am so sorry for your troubles. this is not just going to "go away" nor can it just be "ignored". your husband is the one who is going to have to do some major growing up here. I am really sorry to say that this doesn't sound good ---- your MIL is not the one ruining your marriage - it is your husband's inability to stand up to his mom that is the real problem. and I am sorry to say that I know of several marriages that DID end in messy divorces/custody fights because of in=law problems. I wish I had some good news for you!!! you really really need to get your husband to see what is going on. would he agree to go to therapy, even for a "different" reason? is THIS the only problem you and he have?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 6:30am
MIL and SIL was the result of my divorce, he never stuck up for me at all! We had no children and can't imagine what that would've been like if we had. Is there anyway to plant a spy cam? The baby's stuffed animal maybe? I'm serious, this way your husband and others can hear and see just how she really is....not certain if you can use it in court if need be?

Is she up to speed in the internet world? Not sure what your financial situation is, but for I think $50-100 you can track her e-mails...just I thought. Let me know if you need any help in obtaining some of the stuff mentioned above. If she is that determined to get custody you'll need all the help you can get.

Sorry again, watch your back and I personally would be careful what's said to your husband

...I saw somewhere a "Why you don't marry a mamma's boy" topic. You might want to check it out.

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 1:28pm
This happens to be the only problem in our marriage. My DH has agreed to write his mother and tell her this stuff don't fly with him. We have been talking about for a couple of days and he now sees what is going on and how it makes me feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 4:06pm
I talked to my husband again today. He said he understood and he would email his mom. He started out writing about how she disrespects me and all the things she has said about me. He told her it wasn't going to fly with him. Then all of these feelings he had bottled up came out and he started telling her how much he truly couldn't stand her and that she is the reason we have no contact with her. He told her that he was grown up and she was not his boss and to just stay out of ourlives. He told her about all the problems he had with her his entire life. So I think in a way I helped my DH get out those repressed feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 2:11pm
MIL wrote this to my hubby on his yahoo:

bree44004 (11/26/2003 9:36:13 PM): thank you for the pic of Nathan...he is so beautiful...I just cry and cry I want to see him soooo bad and be a part of his life and yours Why are you doing this to me? I am

bree44004 (11/26/2003 9:37:28 PM): sorry, sorry for something I didn't do....you can put your foot down about this Chris. I wake up at night and I miss you very much too Have a nice thanksgiving. Love Mom

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