MIL is tearing us apart as parents

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
MIL is tearing us apart as parents
6
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:43pm
The short version: DH and I have a beautiful 4 m.o. daughter, but dh's mom is lonely and obsessed with dd. She will not give the baby a moment's peace every waking moment -- has repeatedly gone so far as to race me to her room when she wakes, or plucked her from my arms -- and she has presented a few actual safety hazards as well (trying to feed her strawberries, putting dd in her bed with her, etc.).

We've talked to mil about these issues as they arise, and generally get apologies and promises to change. She has improved on some things, but others we still must repeatedly address and ask her to stop.

The strawberries were the last straw, however, and I couldn't hold my tongue any longer. I am in fear dd will get ill or hurt if mil ignores basic infant health & safety guidelines. So I wrote a long, loving, respectful letter saying I want dd to have this precious grandmother relationship and want them to see each other often, but I need to first feel that she's safe and happy when mil cares for her. I asked that she respect the parenting decisions dh & I have made, and think of dd's best interest instead of her own entertainment when caring for her.

MIL blew her stack. She called dh crying, then me, being melodramatic and playing victim and and denying everything. She said I hurt her (I expected that much), that I made her feel inadequate (she's not the brightest lightbulb in the box but truly loves dd), and that "I've done so much for you and this is how you repay me," that sort of thing. Now she has begun filling dh's head with ideas twisted from this letter, like I'm threatening to leave and take the baby with me...that I don't want mil to see dd...that I hate her, etc. Although he's read the letter and thought it was fairly reasonable 24 hours ago, now he's starting to believe her and become just as hysterical. Plus he's questioning these very parenting decisions now, saying "I need to do more research," as if wondering suddenly whether I'm a fit mother after all.

So I'm left in the corner to defend my role as mother to both -- all because I'm trying to keep the family unit together and protect my daughter from harm. Help! I only wanted us together as a happy, SAFE family! But now I'm dealing with not only a lying, obsessed grandmother, but a brainwashed husband as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:16pm
You've got a problem...but it's not what you think.

Your MIL wants that baby as her own...nd if you're living with her, or if your husband is on her side....what you have got to do is leave the marriage, get out on your own - get him visitiation and support court ordered...and get on with your life.

I didn't...and my child has lived to regret it.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 8:58pm

Okay, your husband needs to support your decisions and thoughts. He has grown up, left his mommy's home, and has his own home. He isn't the child anymore, and he has his own thoughts.

 

-amy-    "CL-fiesty"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 10:05pm
Be strong and set/keep your boundaries now with the MIL and your hubbie. If possible I would try to limit the time you spend with the MIL until everything settles down.

A new baby is trying at best on everyone - you are probably suffering a lack of sleep and plain "battle fatigue" from being "on call" round the clock.

Setting boundaries is never easy and she will just have to get over your letter. You did the right thing.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 3:02pm
Now it's worse! This is much larger than MIL trying to take over my DD...Suddenly DH has backpedaled on EVERYTHING we've done as parents!! He has lost his @*&$ mind! Says I've never given him a say in raising DD (I've always encouraged him to be part of decisionmaking and yes, I stayed home with her 3 mos. so did a lot of on-the-spot decisionmaking myself but NEVER shot him down or excluded him).

It goes on! We BOTH decided DD should be in home daycare, not with MIL, when I returned to work, as there are other babies to socialize with and we didn't trust MIL to do a great job. Now he says he wants to pull DD out and stick her with MIL!!! "We're paying a stranger $X to raise our child," he now says, when he was all for this before!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Mean, hateful, spiteful, rude, COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL words are spewing from this man's mouth every minute! He really has gone over the deep end! I can't take this and told him so, it's just floored me. I said we need to go to counseling, posthaste, cuz we're obviously not relating and something is suddenly very, VERY wrong. He is reluctant but I think he'll go.

A serious question: Can men become delusional as part of the "male postpartum depression" I've heard about?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 3:41pm
Hon, you need to get a grip. Because he's not in depression or denial - you are.

You've married a mama's boy. You've probably relied on her assistance and input as a couple - with you thinking it was "optional" to utilize her input, and it was a "loving option" to have her assistance.

And as long as you were going along with getting the benefits, ease, and convenience of her - you were just fine with it.

You didn't figure on situations maybe not having you view her "offers" so positively - but that is precisely what has now transpired.

And your husband is a boy...and he's always relied on and stood by his mother, he believes her assistance, input and validation is a necessity if he's to be "happy"...andos now he's just telling you - what she told him.

If you don't let me raise this child you're doing wrong by the child." And whatever mommy says - he belives, just like he always has. nd whatver mommy wants him to do -he does...and you didn't realize that meant in EVERY situation - not just in the ways that it was beneficial to you at the time.

So, eh's not in depression and denial. He's a yes man and mama's boy. In fact, you're probably alot like her.....you want your way, you're vocal about it, you're confrontational if you don't get agreement...and he backs off.

Well guess what - you and your MIL WANT TWO COMPLETELY OPPOSITE THINGS....and as a result he's having to "choose" who he aligns with and by default of investment in him and him in her - he's choosing her.

So you better get used to this if you're to remain married to him, and it is easier to let her have her way than for her to get it behind your back, at your child's expense.

Because if your child is caught in the middle of the conflict becuase you two as a couple remain togther, while you fight his mother tooth and nail and he interacts with grandma on a regular basis behind your back as well as in front of your face - and in front of you she defies you and hubby backs her up because that is his choice and his option and right -what you're going to have is a child divided and destroyed.

I know....because my child lived that reality and pays the price now, as a very dysfunctional and unrealistic adult.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 4:16pm
As shocked as I feel right now about your response, I know you're right (and that's why I'm shocked - reality, boing). I suspected he was a mama's boy but man, I NEVER would have gotten tangled up if I knew the extent!

And YES, the things he's backpedaling on and pushing now are those MIL would want. Biggest example, pulling her out of daycare to stay with MIL. That was our Big Major Childcare Decision that we agreed wholeheartedly on a couple months ago. Another, he suggested we take DD to MIL's this Saturday night "so we can go out." "Where?" I asked (and wondered "Why?" because we're fighting, it doesn't seem like much fun!). "I dunno, we just need to get out or we'll go nuts." That is SO his mother talking, I always had to drag him out b/c he never WANTED to leave DD with MIL before! And he does things with DD he always hated that his MIL did, like revving her up when it's naptime, etc.

So this is what it boils down to. His mother wants the child, she's convinced him that DD'd be better off that way, and she's using DH to be the cherry picker and pluck DD from my evil grip. Huh. Makes mucho sense. Too bad there's no convincing him of something this obvious (and very, very screwed up - who would want to take an infant from her mom?). Thanks, Erika, I am better armed now to deal with this.