Military keeps taking my men,what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Military keeps taking my men,what to do?
5
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 1:40pm
My first boyfriend was my h.s. sweetheart. After graduation he enlisted in the Marines for 4 yrs. I loved him dearly and kept in touch through letters. I knew the long distance would be hard but I kept believing in it. We did have a rollercoaster ride of breakups and hooking back up again w/in that time but when it was all said and done and he came back home, we realized we had merely been pen pals keeping journals of our lives. We broke it off and months later I graduated from college. I moved to the nearest city and pursued my career. There is where I met the man I am about to ask about. He was 2 yrs younger than I and was still in college. There was instant attraction and he was also new to the city. We ended up dating and became a couple after only a few weeks. Our relationship was wonderful. We understood each other soo well. I felt as if though he was a soulmate. We complimented each other and I had never known such happiness. However after time the magic stopped. He complained that my family was too intrusive and that i needed to be more independent and I didn't trust him of the "girl" friends he had. After a year we decided to part. But he kept coming back and wanting to make things work. So I'd give it another run. More and more the threat of leaving him (bc of his friends) stopped having it's effect. After what I thought was the end, he came back to me last yr. He even spoke to my parents and told them he respected me and he would try everything in his power to make our relationship happy. that lasted 6 mos. He co-signed on a car for me and decided to move to another city to progress professionally. I didn't want to go through the long distance again so I told him we should just remain friends. He agreed and thinking that was truly the end, i saught on-line dating. Being that this was only the 2nd relationship ever in my life. I did end up meeting a wonderful guy who was older than i and we seemed to share alot of the same interests. He's taken me to many events I've never been before, concerts, hockey games, etc. And i liked that. thing is him and i haven't kissed nor held hands and we've been dating since nov. alhthough dec and jan. we didn't see each other at all except e-mail.

My ex kept e-mailing me and even calling me throughout this time but I didn't save his new # so as I would have the desire to contact him. Then on Christmas eve he surprises me and we get together...intimately. It felt right. Then for New Year's I went down and spent New Year's with him.

So here's the scoop. He enlisted in the army reserves and was accepted. He was set to leave on Tuesday 2/24 to South Carolina. His family and I get along great and his sister still lives in the city were I reside. I accompanied her to go see him go and it was a surprise for him to see me this past Monday. When i get there w/ his sister, there's this girl. Huge girl who I knew of bc he had mentioned her to me before. She has a kid she's 5-7 yrs older than he is. She was there bc she was going to take him to the army base for him to be shipped off. She's a military brat and apperantly she did a lot for him. I also know they both did it before...when we had been apart. I felt nauseous. he wanted me to stay but i thought i'd stay at his sister's instead but when i got in the car i couldn't resist. i stayed w/ him in his room while the other girl slept outside on the couch. He held me close. Completely. We kept hugging each other and ended up making love. At 3 am we headed out and he was ready to go. his family met us there and they took photos. His sister asked me to take one w/ him and then he said for them to take one of him and her...which made me hurt. He hugged us all and i gave him a card I had bought a week back about allways being by his side and signing it off, with all my love.

Now I'm back to the place I had been almost ten yrs ago. I don't know what to make out of it. I dont' know if i should keep in touch, if i should write or not, if i should move on since we're not even a couple. he had an address list and her address and mine was on there. Also i had found out that he had come down to my city only 2 days before he had left but he didn't visit me bc he said he had no time and he had wanted to surprise me but didn't remember where i worked. He did visit another of his "girl" friends whom also has a kid and whose bf is in the military.

I just really would like advice. I feel sad and have cried all week bc i was so used to him and now going back to that long distance pain...i don't want to. Plus the guy that i met on-line, well i'm confused. I'm really interested in him but it seems like there's not enough time for us to get together. Please help me see clearly. I don't know what to do at this point in my life. It's as if I'm moving backwards or replaying events from the past.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 2:12pm

You hit the nail on the head with your last statement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 7:10am
nighleah...

Is having a boyfriend the most important thing in the world to you?

If the answer is YES...then get yourself someone who has a disability who will LOVE you and not be threatened by military deployment.

If the answer is NO...be a little more sparing with your time. Get involved socially with others, but don't commit yourself to any man who pays a minimum amount of attention to you.

From what you've written...there's seems to be a mindset of "I GOTTA HAVE A BOYFRIEND" and this could be the reason why many of your choices are "shipped out"---or become stale?

Consider rethinking your relationship plan a little bit, okay?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 11:02am
ouch!

I don't believe that to be the reason. That I NEED a boyfriend. I'm not desperately looking for any man nor even considering marriage at this point. My situation has taken a u-turn to the life i led years back. I am very proud of both men who have joined the service and any other person who does so now. My concerns were bc of the mix in messages my ex gave me before he left. I know I will get emotionally involved if we start corresponding through letters. i know i would fall in love again with that romanticism and even foster false hopes of getting back together. Should I just move on and not be another "backup" girl or layaway girl (one he puts aside while he waits to see if something better comes along?). You being a guy, i'd like to know your thoughts on what my ex's intentions were. Does he want me back or was this his way of closing a chapter in his life and starting a new one? What would i be getting myself into if i waited for him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 2:29pm
nighleah....

Pianoguy probably isn't the first person to tell you that there AREN'T any guarantees in life...especially when it comes to relationships.

So it boils down to whether you want to "gamble on the fidelity" of one man and not get involved with anybody else...OR...dating several men without making any long-lasting commitments to any one of them!

You can always write a lot of letters and be the girl the military man left behind---but your faithfulness and loyalty DOESN'T necessarily mean HE'LL be "hopelessly devoted to you" on his side.

There are a few men out there who use the military, a job transfer, a family member who is ill or some other excuse to END A RELATIONSHIP. Whether that was your guy's intention, only HE knows for sure.

So why not ask yourself if holding onto a promise (and taking yourself out of circulation)is MORE IMPORTANT than becoming a free agent? At least until this guy's military commitment is over?

Best of luck in which choice you decide to make.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 4:25pm
Hello,

I have been in a situation close to yours and I know that the man cares for you, but he is not aware as to what he is doing to you. You should tell him how you feel, and maybe allow him to read the message you posted, because it does paint a clear picture onto how you are feeling. If he does not show consideration for you and your situation after you do express your feelings, then it is time to move on. Remember, love is not ment to be painfull, and if thats what you are feeling most of the time, and aren't comforatable enough with him to share your emotions, then he is not the man for you, you deserve much better.

Best of luck,

-A