A miser? Or just selfish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
A miser? Or just selfish?
52
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 11:46am

Hello,


I have an embarassing problem I can't turn anywhere else for help.


My boyfriend of almost four years appears to have extreme problems with spending any money at all on me.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 2:57pm

I think "we are too different" covers a multitude of sins and would suffice.


However, I don't think you should assume he's doing it because he has no respect for you or whatever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 4:08pm

Sheri,


You say:

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 4:14pm

It's pretty common for people

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 4:21pm

Have you tried asking him directly why he treats you differently?


Yes, this and many other things related to this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 4:23pm

I don't think this is necessarily a lack of respect.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 4:28pm

Ugh, how frustrating!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 5:24pm

Thanks, your words are helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 3:09am

Thought I'd jump in on this one.

You shouldn't worry about how you'll appear to him if this is a deal-breaker for you. I'd go with the always-safe preface of: "I am in no way saying your behavior is wrong by any means. It is perfectly acceptable for you, and rather than repeatedly try and change you, I think this difference is just one that can't be overcome." There is nothing wrong in saying something (anything!) is a deal-breaker for you. It is what it is. Just make sure he knows it isn't a flaw (even though I think it is. Shh...), but it really, really, reeeaaally bothers you. And honestly, if my boyfriend was smart enough to give gifts to his secretary but not to me, and excused himself every time the check came after dinner, I wouldn't think for two seconds that it would be I who appeared as selfish or clueless.

And like was previously suggested, you don't even need to get into specifics. All you have to say is, "It just isn't working out." Part amicably. Gifts are one thing, but never even paying for a meal? That's outrageous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 1:22pm

Whether he should be labelled "cheap" or a "miser" at this point is irrelevant.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 3:32pm

All,


I feel so much better getting feedback on this.