A miser? Or just selfish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
A miser? Or just selfish?
52
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 11:46am

Hello,


I have an embarassing problem I can't turn anywhere else for help.


My boyfriend of almost four years appears to have extreme problems with spending any money at all on me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 3:51pm
Good for you! Let us know how it goes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 4:11pm

i thought i had it bad, but not as bad as this.

My boyfriend is similar: he won't pay for valet parking; he won't go to the movies; when we go out we have to split one meal between us; we can never order wine with dinner, but we always have to bring our own. i do not think he has ever taken me out on a proper date. BUT, he does buy me nice birthday and christmas gifts For instance, he bought me a "kind of" engagement ring last December, but he had to show me how he bought it online and he was so proud that it cost less than $200. I don't have the heart to tell him that one or two of the fake stones are already missing.

We have taken some very expensive trips, though. He does not seem to have a problem spending money on that or his own vanity--he paid $10K for a hair transplant. He gets mad if you buy a drink anywhere you go--because he thinks you should just drink out of the drinking fountain. ONce while i was in his car, i was very parched. He has a water bottle in the door pocket. I asked if i could drink it and he had a fit--said he was "saving" it.

He is cheap, but nearly as bad as your guy. I used to do a lot of things; go to movies, eat out once a week; go to concerts/plays. But i have done none of those things in 4 years--except a couple of times that i have talked him into it.

Another thing: i cook all of his meals during weeknights and all of his meals on weekends. In all this time, he has never once offered to share the financial load of this. BUT, he complains and tries to control my budget--which, by the way, he does not contribute to.

Finally, when i was negotiating my divorce from my husband some time ago, my boyfriend said that we could not marry or be together unless i was awarded spousal support even if i remarried. He is 60 though he looks and acts 45. He says he is getting ready to retire and i must be able to take care of us financially.

Oh brother. Not good, huh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 4:25pm

Clarice,


Since we are long distance, I have had a very limited set of experiences with him, so I can't compare to what you describe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 4:29pm
Clarice, Clarice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 4:37pm

Sorry for asking the obvious: have you asked him why he won't spend money on you and told him how it makes you feel?

my guy has explained to me that it's a matter of control for him . He says his mind works like a calculator and he just keeps seeing things add up and it really upsets him.

i don't know. i need to leave my boyfriend--everyone on this board knows that--but it is hard. If you can't accept him the way he is--and laugh at it with him--then you will probably have to end the relationship at some point, if it bothers you that much.

i am so down now myself, i really don't have anything intelligent to say. But yes, your boyfriend's lack of making you feel special in this way would also bother me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 4:44pm

Geoteo,


LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 4:47pm

Clarice,


Yes, I have asked him why he won't spend money on me.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 6:12pm

I would urge you to be direct and talk to him about it rather than just requesting separate checks without explanation, which I think is a very passive-aggressive thing to do.


If you don't explain to him exactly why you're doing what you're doing, I doubt very much he'll get it.


Speaking your truth in a relationship is very important and if you can't do that with someone you've been with as long as you've been with this guy, what does that say about your relationship?


Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 1:41pm

Sheri,


Thank you for hanging in there with me.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 2:12pm

I was referring specifically to splitting the check--telling him exactly why you're doing it as opposed to simply requesting separate checks without explaining as has been suggested by other posters.


I honestly don't think there's anything you can do to change his attitude and behavior about gifts/paying (or like this current example, the change will be miniscule), so I'm talking about you changing your behavior (and being honest with him about why) so you are not resenting the fact that you are generous with him and he is not with you.