Misserable Marriage (long, sorry)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Misserable Marriage (long, sorry)
3
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 1:25am
My husband and I have been married for 9 years next week and have 2 kids. We are generally happy, or at least going on about our lives but when we fight it is horrible, not to mention the crap that I think I put up with that I never bring up tonight may have done us in. I have thought about divorce many times when we fight but I always just blame it on his problems (could be PTSD or bipolar, they have not officially diagnosed him yet) he has serious anger and anxiety issues and on top of that is an extreme pesimist, while I am the opposite. In addidtion almost 2 years ago his sister, brother-in-law, and nephwe were killed in a car accident and he has 2 neices who survived the accident living with the paternal frandparents, a horribel situation.
He claims that he doesnt but he puts me down frequently telling me I dont do anything, and no I have not had a job for the last 6 years but when we move yearly for his job and child care costs more than I could make, it is impossible to get a job, in addidtion I have been a full time student for 5 years, and am about to graduate. Another thing he puts me down about, I cant pass statistics for the life of me, and he has now forbidden me to finish my degree because I have had enough chances (2). I now work full time with him as he just started a business, so we are togeather 24 hours a day but he still says I do nothing, and asks why the house is filthy. I am also expected to take care of the kids (5&2), because his anxiety usually goes through the roof if they are being bad, or sometimes just when they are around to much. Not that he is a horrible father he loves them and lets them know it all of the time, he just refuses to do any more than he wants or feels he can.
So basically I feel like I am worthless to him, and I am the slave the the house, kids, and now his business. So tonight when the youngest smeared a dirty diaper all over herself I was scrubbing her room, he put her in a bath and I can downstairs to what appeard to me was him angrily scrubbing her (he was shaking which he does when he is trying to controll the anger). I grabbed the cloth and shoved him out of the way, he asked me what I was doing, and I told him what I thought I was seeing, he didnt belive me so I demonstrated, with the washcloth. Later, after he stormed out for nearly 2 hours, he says he was mad because the I put poop in his mouth, and that he was doing nothing of the sort. I had rinsed the cloth off, so I doubt there was poop still on it, and told him that I have seen him shake like that before and know where his anger level is when he is doing that, so he than gets more mad because I think he was hurting or about to hurt the kid. He says were are never recovering and were done, something he almost has never said, usually it's me until I realize it may just be his medication or lack of.
Please not that that there is never any physical abuse, he takes his anger out on randome things around the house but has never harmed any of us.
I just dont know what to do, I love him, I know he loves me, but his angry outbursts are almost daily, we cant go anywhere in public because of his anxiety, and he likes to belittle me when he is in these moods. He is trying to get help, though I dont think they belive his problem are real. And I dont want my moment of anger to be the end of us, I know he wouldnt hurt the kids I just worry about all of us including his when he is like this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 1:52pm

Welcome to the board hunter22375,


You mention no official diagonsis and meds, but what does the doctor say about all this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 12:53pm

Welcome to the board hunter22375,


You mentioned that you don't think the doctor believes your husband's problems are real. Why do you feel this way? Maybe it would be best if you switched doctors to one that would be more understanding of your husband and his problems.


I also think anger management classes would be good for your husband.


I agree with Carrie that the most important thing is to keep your family safe. It can't be good for your children to witness his outbursts. It must scare them.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 2:09pm

If your husband is military (which it sounds like he is, based on your mention of PTSD and the yearly moves for his job?) then I can understand what you mean about the doctors not believing him, military healthcare is notorious for that, not to mention even if it's not supposed to go on his records, that kind of stuff in a military file could very well work against him.

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