Mixed Feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Mixed Feelings
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 2:37pm
i! I posted here last week about my bf of 3 and a half years and I breaking up, because something was missing.

The same happened to us on march 2003, well, it happened to him, because he was the one to broke it off, now it´s more mutual. Back then, after a couple of month, we give it another shoot.

That a though that calms me when I getting upset about our brek up, thinking that maybe things are like last time, and if it is meant to be, with some time we will be back together.

Well, we keep seeing each other because we have a lot of fun together, so he came last sat to have dinner at my new place.

I am doing quite fine, taking it easy, thinking about ME and what I want, thinking what was wrong in our relationship and what are the things I need to change in order to be in a future healthy relationship.

But last friday, he emailed me telling me some stuff about his visa and congrat him and while talking I asked for hisplans this weekend and he told me he was going to the beach w/ his friend. I dont know why buy I felt crushed, I was thinking that he was over me, going to party, etc,etc, sooo sad!! I know if i didnt answer his email, i wouldnt found out about this and wouldnt be sad, but I cant do the no contact right now, Im not initiating conversation, he is, but I follow...

Well, he didnt go finally because it was expensive. That friday I went out with friends and even start talking to a nice guy (I gave him my phnoe), I dont know why I did that, I m not ready to date i think but it was an ego boost. Then, he called on sat, we had dinner and went to the movies, then on sunday he called again and came to my swimming pool for a while. We have a great time, he is also a great friend of mine.

I dont want to force a conversation and also I dont know what i want now, so i just enjoy the moment.

We were planning on going to miami on march, and I still want to go with him, but i dont know what will happen.

When we see each other we talk, have fun, he is really sweet with my puppy... I know that if I call him, he will be there at any time. But I dont want to do that (well, sometimes I do but i know it´s not good).

On one hand i´m doing so well, not missing him that much and doing my thing. But on the other hand, when I´m with him, I also have a great time and enjoy myself. I really dont know how to act!

I know about how tha no contact is so great, but I dont want to. I want him to be a part of my life, to know what going on in his life, etc (but i wpuldn t like to know about other women, though I know there is none). Also I dont wan t o pressure him, that why I never initiate conversation, though sometimes I would like to because i´m wondering what up in his life.

I know I´m sooo anxious, that that´s my mine flaw. I wan to know what will jhappen, what is he thinking, why do I want, will he date another giorl, etc,etc , and I want to know it now. I know some time apart if beneficial too, but this anxiaty kills me.

I´m also hatting the idea he might go this weekend to the beach.

Is this sooo crazy???