Mixed Signals

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2008
Mixed Signals
7
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 11:56pm

So my "ex" and I broke up a few weeks ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
In reply to: kayjay843
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 3:09am

The fact that you put 'ex' in quotations means you are in need of a bit of a reality check. I will tell you what I'm almost certain is happening.

Okay. Your boyfriend broke up with you because he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. But even though that's the case, it still hurts like a bitch to be moved on from (i.e. you getting over him). He isn't necessarily keeping you hanging on because he wants you as a 'back up.' He's doing it because he wants to know you still care. That he's still missed. That way, he doesn't have to worry about you meeting another guy, or having fun without him, etc. etc. So yes, he is having his cake and eating it too.

Just because a person breaks up with another, doesn't mean the romantic feelings disappear. Of course he or she will still be jealous if they immediately see that the other has moved on (usually). It's how a normal relationship, that dissolves because of reasons similar to yours, works. It takes a very mature person to be able to quit being coy and just let the other person go. Your ex-boyfriend obviously hasn't gotten to that stage yet.

Honestly, it boils down to this: your ex cares about you, yes. I'm sure he misses you. But none of these mitigating factors is enough to make him actually be in a relationship with you.

I'm not telling you to cut contact with him, but rather keep your eyes open as to what is going on. Don't be naive. And I'm not telling you this to be harsh or because I think you're doing anything wrong, but because I've experienced this firsthand, on both sides. It's usually pretty much the same time after time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2008
In reply to: kayjay843
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 12:48pm
I would also have to call him a cake eater. If you want him to miss you, he definately cannot have access to you anytime he wishes. I would definitely say "No Contact". It hurts now to not speak, but it will be much better in the future when you are over and past him and he contacts you. Then you will have an open mind to think cleary enugh to decide if he is really worth your time and worth having around. I would send him a text saying basically "thank you for taking the time to think of me. I am going to respect your wishes of moving on, but I believe it would be best without contact so I can move on with my healing process" Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: kayjay843
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 1:04pm

kayjay843, here's your previous post so others can catch up on your situation: Broke up and Very confused


From

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2008
In reply to: kayjay843
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 3:16pm

Thank you for the advice.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kayjay843
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 12:45pm

It is difficult to be broken up with and then have the person contacting you - makes you feel like a yo, yo, and also it stops you from truly letting go of him. He's giving you mixed messages. On the one hand he wants space, on the other he's holding on. Let him know he has to make up his mind whether he wants the relationship or not. If not, you are going to move on and can't keep going back and forth. And you have to clearly decide that if he doesn't want the relationship that you will not participate in these calls and be kept hanging on a string. You deserve better in a relationship. It's important to value and respect yourself.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2008
In reply to: kayjay843
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 12:05am

So I have been doing well and not contacting him and if i do have to talk to him (we have mutual close friend who is moving out to China for school this week and all of us are trying to plan a going-away present for him) I am good at

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: kayjay843
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 4:00pm

He's looking forward to talking to you.