Momma's boy at 27??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Momma's boy at 27??
6
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 11:43pm

Ok, I'm new to this board. I found it looking for a place to talk to people and get some advice. I started dating this new guy and its been about 6 months now. I have to say he is almost perfect and everything has been great..He is somewhat of the nerdy never really dated that many girls growing up type (he's a rocket scientist..seriously). So I'm having some issues with his closeness or should I say overbearing mother issues? He lives on his own, I understand he is close to his family..I'm very close to mine. But there have been several instances where he has changed plans because of his mother...and not because he wanted too. I apologize now for the long post...

A few weeks ago we had a long weekend planned Fri-Tues, turns out Monday he says he has to drive (3hrs south..he lives only 1.5hrs south of where we were) to pick up his sister and bring her to his place so she can do laundry since they are doing some construction to the house and don't have a washer and dryer. He doesn't talk to me about this, just says I have to go my mom needs me to get my sister..rushes our Monday and speeds us home to his place where my car was. The whole time his mother and sister are calling to see where he is..now we had plans for weeks to spend time together until Tuesday. So I was mad, he apologized. I explained how my parents do not run my life and they would never ask me to leave early to get their laundry and that I have an issue with this momma's boy thing. He said he's not, that he just does what they ask too much sometimes. Fine, I got over his mom/sister changes my vacation plans.

Now to this weekend. We talk about doing something Saturday night and him staying with me. He says ok, but doesn't know what his parents have plans for (he lives an hour north of me and his parents so usually when he heads this way he is here for the weekend). Tonight he calls and says his mother has plans the whole weekend and he can't come see me at all Saturday or even stay the night! Now, I dont know if I should be mad..but I'm pretty pissed. I know he wants to come over and stay, I don't understand why he can't do whatever they are doing and then come over late? I ended the conversation with him quickly, but tomorrow he is supposed to stop by my house on his way to his parents and I'm fuming right now. I dont know what to say to him or how to not just tell him off. I'm tired of hearing "I can't do this because of my mom."

Now, we made plans to spend next weekend together just me and him. We made plans a few weeks ago. My parents are going out of town to somewhere I really like and want to go, but I was going to not go to spend the weekend with him. Now I want to just tell him you know what, screw next weekend..have fun by yourself. I'm doing my own thing.

He's 27 and I'm 28. He lives alone. I moved back in with my parents (they have somewhat have a studio type room in the house) last year after I broke-up with my boyfriend of 5 yrs (I ended the relationship). So I understand the family dynamic, but I live at home and my parents never make plans for me..I am asked and I ask them. I've spent time with his family and they have no problems with me at all so it's not that she is doing this because she doesn't like me.

Please, has anyone dealt with a man who can't stand up to his mom and make his own decisions?

HELP! I'm ready to totally blow my lid on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 7:14am

" I explained how my parents do not run my life and they would never ask me to leave early to get their laundry and that I have an issue with this momma's boy thing"

I'm not sure that comparing your parents, and explaining how your mother is better than his in some way, will get you very far. Regardless of intent this is a very insulting approach.

If you have a problem with his mother's intervention then you should leave him. I'm not joking. Momma's boy issues do not go away, 27 year old momma's boys turn into 37 year old momma's boys and so forth.

It's only been six months, you don't have a lot of time invested in this guy and you're still in the stage of a relationship where you're reasonably able to decide whether to stay or go. For what it's worth this would be a serious turnoff for me too. If you want him to change you're going to deal with a hell of a lot of backlash and resentment and in the end he'll still run back to her and not you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 8:19pm

I don't really see this as this guy being a "momma's boy"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 10:13pm
This typeof behavior rarely goes away, unless he gets therapy and exerts himself to cut the apron strings loose.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 9:28am

I briefly dated a momma's boy a while ago. He was 34. His mother called the shots a lot and used him and he seemed to have a very hard time putting his foot down with her. I think it is very hard for guys like this to break the cycle. He may deny it or even admit that he's a bit of a momma's boy but in the end it's sort of a way of living he's totally fine with, otherwise he'd have cut the apron strings himself by moving far away or just asserting himself as an indepedent man. Also, he may even like the whole situation if he's someone who likes to be needed and counted on. He's probably getting something from this situation, like some sort of psychological benefit. There's something in it for him that you don't see.

Unless he acknowledges that the situation is tough and he's tired of dealing with his mother and her demands I wouldn't expect this to change anytime soon. He's been conditioned to behave this way and he hasn't fought it, he's gone along with it so I'd bet this is how it's going to be with him for a long time. It's up to you to decide how long you can play second fiddle to his momma.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2007
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 10:20am

OMG! Are we in a similar situation or what?? First, a brief explanation of my situation. I am 36 he is 22.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 10:31am

The bottom line is that you can't change him. This is who he has been for many years and your short time with him isn't going to turn him into a strong man who says no to his mom when it is appropriate to do so.


Do can you live with it and assume he won't change on his own?